Jackson and Lydia

The power couple (and of course, Alpha couple) will always and infinitely be Sterek,
But somehow if I could relate the others with mine,
It'll be Lydia and Jackson.

She feels connected to Lydia the most.

She could have anyone she wants, if she works on it.

Not saying that she is highly attractive,

But with the right amount of flirting and adequate appropriateness of facial expression,

She could seduce any men she wants.

But Lydia,

The one who has ever loved her and the one she loves back,

Is the one that got away.

Now we all know Jackson is the frickin' king of douchebags,

But he loved her.

They are the ones that "are meant to be".

Not saying that her one failed real relationship is meant to be,

But why can't she use her charms and face to have anyone she wants?

Why do she resort to depression and loneliness?

She doesn't even know.

What she does know is she could never have anyone as good as he was,

And she doesn't generally buy "lottery tickets" anymore.

Because she couldn't take anymore heartbreaks.

Because she doesn't want to forget him.

Because she doesn't want to get over him.

Because he is her Jackson.

A Letter To Aiman Azlan - Rebuttal To The "Curse" Post Into "Test"

I was first introduced to this blogger by Saba,
Who was concerned about me not being able to let Syidi go,
Or rather the memories of us.

Recently I sent him an email,
And this is his reply:-

*****

Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah.

Thank you for your honest confession. 

I think you have identified your problem when you said "negative mindset". Negative things happened to all of us, and each of us face different negative things. We all have our battles. I have mine, you have yours, and others have theirs. Your battle is your beauty. 

But at the same time, your blessing is your beauty as well. Allah gave you a beautiful face and you should be grateful for it. At the same time, you should realize that humans are innately attracted to beautiful things. Just like what Prophet Yusuf faced during his time. 

Prophet Yusuf was a very handsome man and people were attracted to his handsomeness. But he didn't find his beauty a curse, but he did see it as a test from Allah. If he passed, he knows that he will have a better relationship with Allah in the long run. That should be your goal as well, to have a better relationship with Allah, by facing this test and not running away from it. 

I speak for all men when I say that we are attracted to beautiful women, just like women are attracted to beautiful men. But I wouldn't that is our curse - that is our test. We as men shouldn't let our affection for beauty cloud our better judgment. That is why the Prophet advised men to prefer a women with Deen than a woman with only a beautiful face. Because in the long run, the Deen will help you get to Jannah, not the beautiful face. But that is our test.

Your test, as a beautiful woman, is to not let your beauty define you. Yes, people will look at your beauty but don't let their preference for your beauty stops you. You should prove that you have much more to offer than a pretty face, and I believe you do. Don't think too much about your beauty, and definitely I hope that you don't obsess yourself over it. Because beauty will fade, whether we like it or not. Beauty will fade, even if we take very good care of it. It is the nature of beauty. But if we take good care of our Deen, Insha Allah it will not fade. 

I think that should be your main focus. In fact, that should be our main focus. 

Work on your relationship with Allah and work on developing your full potential so that you may realize it in service of your community. Focus on that, and Insha Allah there will be a man out there who will appreciate you for what is outside and inside, and not just for what is outside.

May Allah grant you strength and may Allah surround you with good company who will help you get closer to Him. Ameen.

******

So here it is,

I don't want to be depressed anymore.

I want to be grateful for what I have.

I want to think that this is a test,

Not a curse.

I will do better.

I will love myself before I am capable of loving other human being.

Pretty Please?

Hey, 
I missed you. 
Can we please stop this cold war thingy? 
Although we don't know how to reconcile, 
I still wanna talk to you.
I want my best friend back. 
Can you bring him back to me? 

I have just been the most douchebag in the history of douchebagery towards someone. 

But still there are people who never learn that I am a siren that is unable to love. 

You're the only one who was never captivated by my siren song,

And you loved me the most. 

Please, can I have my best friend back?

I missed you dearly.

How Did It Come To This?

I was so, so, so tempted. 
Stupid. 
Stupid. 
Stupid.

When all these craziness starts corrupting my head, 

There will always one person I want to turn, 

And I never failed to feed my ego to not to.

Apa Kau Rasa Apa Kau Cakap

"Saba, sebelum aku cakap apa-apa bodoh baik kau tampar aku." 
" Apa benda kau merapu ni?" 
"First time aku nampak dia since a long time, 
Hari ni dia nampak smart pulak duduk depan aku." 
"Kau memang macam ni kan? 
Bila dia kau punya, kau lari. 
Bila dia dah takde baru kau nampak betapa hensemnya dia."

Orang. 
Bila ada takmau cherish. 
Dah takde baru sedar. 
Aku lah tu.

Tapi aku tau. 
Aku takkan survive kalau dalam relationship. 
Samada kekal sendiri atau terus berkahwin.
Sebab tu satu-satunya cara aku akan dicorner,
Dan tiada tempat untuk lari.
I have no choice but to love. 

Fikiran yang berubah-ubah. 
Terlalu dalam. 
Tiada tali to tether me to this world.

Kau mahu aku jangan ajak aku membuat dosa. 
Jumpa ibu ayah. 
Halalkan.

Walau aku rasa mentaliti aku membuatkan aku tak layak untuk bercinta, 
Dan dicintai.

A Curse

Somehow,
After everything that happened,
I came to a conclusion,
That this face is a curse.

It's not that I'm not grateful,
To have two pair of working eyes,
A nose,
And a mouth that never ceases to blab things.

It's just,
This frickin' face,
Attract so many unwanted attentions,
That I began to despise it.

Because of this face,
I lost faith in humanly love,
That people only wants the physical looks,
And failed to see what's beneath.

And that is probably my fault too,
Because I hide the truth about who I really am,
Behind Miss Little Perfect,
And the broken little girl was dying behind the faltering smiles.

I don't wish I look differently,
I know it would be ungrateful,
But I don't know how to see things positively.
Everything in this world only has its bad side.

What am I supposed to do?
Please, please, please,
Someone tell me what to do,
Someone help me before I destroy myself and everything,
Until there is nothing left.

I just wants to graduate as soon as possible and run away from reality to create my own world where there is no one and nothing could penetrate it,

So I could be sane for once.

Just. No.

Never,

Never in a million years,

Would I imagine this would happen.

I was kidding when I said I could get anyone I want!

When someone confess to me,

All these always happen.

My hands are shaking,

My feet are cold,

I feel like I want to cry,

And pass out,

And hyperventilates,

And run away to Cuba.

And it always happens when I JUST got out from a relationship.

It's like the universe trying to say,

"Yeah kid, we know you're afraid of people liking you,

So we're gonna make people like you."

I need a pool.

Sea.

Anything with water so I could drown.

Please.