In our reflection of our BIG yesterday,
what she said stabbed me in the heart,
Figuratively, not literally.
Coz if it was  true,
I'd be dead,
and she'd be in jail.

Jokes apart,
she said we shouldn't whine in our lives,
because there are people who are far less fortunate than us,
and these parent-less children,
are children who are chosen to go to Jannah.

Not that I whine about going to Rumah Tunas Harapan Darul Hilmi,
it's about something else.
Something that I can't control.
And I don't remember if I always whine,
But secretly I just hope things would be different.
Does that even count as whining?

You tell me.

Disillusioned

I tried to give up.
On being scared what community sees what I am.
But sometimes I tend to care.

Allah SWT was testing me,
that I know.
And Alhamdulillah,
With the help of friends and relatives,
I'm regaining my conscious,
bit by bit.

What about that feeling?
I am trying to let it go,
but world doesn't revolves around me.
I know that.

I just hope,
Wishing one day,
A man come and doesn't  judge me,
by the way I look,
by how I behave,
by what I write,
by my everyday speeches,
by my group of peers,
and accept me the way I am.
Like my family,
like my friends.

They know me more than I know myself,
and didn't reject me.

People who knows me by appearance,
will tend to feel illusion-ed,
and when they know me by heart,
they will back off.

That is why I don't want to be in society.
They will judge.
No escape for any of us humans.

My Last Word to You,Cariad.

Kalau awak masih baca blog saya,
tolong berhenti.
Berhenti terus.
Sebab mulai sekarang saya dah tak nak peduli apa-apa lagi.
Like my sister said,
I'm going back to my oblivious attitude.
Because that attitude keep me survive in this world.

What you do,
what you think,
who you're with,
every little thing that keeps me reminding about you,
I'll toss it away.

It's not easy,
It won't heal in the coming future,
But I'll learn.
I'll learn to let go.
I'll learn to forgive.
Because my heart wasn't able to forgive you right now.
And I won't forget.

Your presence gave an impact THAT much in my life.

I know you're not like other guys.
You will feel guilty if you see me unhappy because of your decision.
My original plan was to be as sad as I can be,
Just because I was mad,frustrated,and sad.
But it wasn't worth it.

I blamed both of us in our breakups.
I blamed myself for wasn't being selfish and told you to hold on.
I blamed you for being uncertain.

"Live in regret" is what I want to tell you.
But if I'd really to open my mouth and tell it forward to you,
the words will be "Be happy."

How stupid can I be,right?

I can't even write about it.
I can just let the memory of THIS DAY be etched into this blog,
So I will remember how it felt,
When you heard that ringing in your ears,
The sound of your heartbeat slows down,
Your head starts spinning,
And all you want is just die.

WHY CAN'T I BE MORE SELFISH AND TELL HIM TO HOLD ON??

Nowhere feels safe, or remotely peaceful anymore.
Here,there, it's all the same.
There is no place for me to go back to..
I really want to start a new life,
Far far away from Malaysia,
Just me,
And hopefully no one will ever find me.

DRUM ROLLS

Since Aten put our pics as her cover photo in Facebook,
lots and lots of her friends added me.
I wonder,
"Does a face really counts?"
I mean, when I didn't use my own pic as DP,
No one gives a damn.

But everyone is like that.
Looks are important nowadays.
I just hope I see someone like Umi see Abah.

My Abah,
is not a handsome man (I admit that),
But he is a man who InsyaAllah can bring his family to Jannah.

Putting that aside,
during SBE..
OH GOOOD~!!!
MOMMMM!!!
She literally "shows me off" during my ONE WEEK in SK SS3~!!
That is so embarrassing...
Hoyoyo...=___________=lll

*I need to roll in my blanket and pretend I'm in a deserted bookstore*

Today

I'm scared.
I'm scared of the outcome.
But I'm too tired to run away anymore.
Let's just settle this once and for all.
Because I'm done with crying myself to sleep,
for a person I know who doesn't care.

"It will be okay,"
"It will be fine,"
are the lies I tell myself,
and I'm a good liar,
So I hope my heart and brain will accept that lies.

It's just too mortifying,
Knowing that maybe,
Just maybe,
my future won't involve him,
and I don't know whether I can take it,
Because I just realized,
He was the first guy I truly loved.

But the fate isn't mine to write.