Why Do I Keep Hurting Myself..?

" What are you, a saint?" 
No, being a saint require comforting others. 
Helping others. 
Giving others what is yours. 
Feeling sympathy, worry, empathy towards others. 
Even if you are hurting. 
Alone. 
Cold.
And they leave you be. 
I guess it is better to be ignorant and just piss everyone else. 
By my indifference. 
Since it is easier to be a sinner, 
Rather than a saint.

I cannot.
I cannot reciprocate those three simple words.
Three reassuring words that I do feel it too.
Because I am not yet fully healed.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I truly am sorry...

Different Situation. Different Status.

Two situations.
One.
I go out with Amir and I tell Zafik about it.

Two.
I go out with Ricchan and I tell Zafik about it.

Why did when situation One occur I don't feel guilty?
But when situation Two occur there's a lump in my heart and I wanted to cry?

I asked Mom.
I asked the girls.
And I asked myself.

WHY?

"Because Amir never sees you more than his little sister. His little girl. His best friend."

"Because you knew Ricchan used to want more than just being your best friend."

Yep. That is the answer.

I belong to someone,
Like they said,
Even if the act of mingling with other people,
Much less of my pack that I've known my entire life,
They are not GIRLS.
And they are not HIM.
I understand now.
I love Ricchan.
But not at the expense of losing someone dear to me.
And Amir..
One day I will introduce Zafik to him.
Because I want him to be happy for me.

I belong to someone now.
There is someone I want to take care of.
Someone whose feelings matter to me.

Finale Is Killing Me...

"nous chassons ceux qui nous chassent"

We hunt those who hunt us

"Nous protegeons ceux qui ne peuvent pas se proteger eux memes"

We protect those who cannot protect themselves

the pack is less safe without the Protector.

Killing Allison is like killing Bobby in the Supernatural.

I have so many feels, people.

Allison is dead,

There are rumors flying that the twins are leaving..

And someone is dying at the end of the season.

Nope.

No. 

Just... NO.

I hear you, bro.

Nogitsune!Stiles and Failwolf!Derek

"I won't let you go. Not now, not like this."

They told you not to trust the fox.

It's bad enough we have to deal with Allison's death.

It kinda bummed me out.

Yeah we know Allison won't end up with Potato!Scott or even my baby Isaac,

But I loved our female Xena Princess Warrior.

As much as I loved Lydia being the Banshee she is.

If only she never kissed Stiles before...

Scott will always be a potato to me even if he's the Alpha now.

Moving on to my baby DerBear and his now-a-nogitsune-slash-sparks-supposed-to-be-mate Stiles,

I really really really wanted to punch Jeff Davies in the frickin' face..

WHY???

He made Derek looks so stupid and naive and OHMAIGOD DEREK CAN'T YOU SEE???

THE TWINS ARE BAD BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU!!

BAD, DEREK, BAD!! (excuse the dog jokes)

I mean seriously!

Even though I loved Ethan with Danny,

Him being with Aiden is not a good combination.

They made Derek look stupid.

As if he wasn't stupid enough for not realizing Stiles has been possessed by the Nogitsune.

So here is the conclusion,

Derek is a failwolf and there is a particular reason why he cannot be an Alpha.

Though he has the Alphaness aura.

I love you, Derbear.

But please...

Please save your mate before it's too late.

Yes, Derek.. Skinny, defenseless, pale-faced with upturned nose and beautiful smile Stiles is the nogitsune. SAVE YOUR MATE, DEREK AND STOP BEING A FAILWOLF!!

Baby Steps. Bit by bit.

Amir said the same thing. 
Ricchan said the same thing. 
Saba said the same thing.
Even my freaking sister said the same thing. 

"You are too afraid to fall in love again. 
You are afraid that you will hurt by love again." 

Well whaddya know. 
I belong to someone now.
I want to start believing that I deserve to be loved again. 

And truthfully, 
Though I am still scared..
Still having doubts.. 
At least I am not alone anymore. 
I am happy..
Bit by bit.
A baby step..

You Can't Have It All

I expected of something at par.
But you can't have it all.
Instead I receive a sweet part of life that I lost a long time ago.
I expected cliche remarks.
And as usual,
I was true.
But it still makes me giddy.
Someone could see the broken me and smile.
I expected when I say

"Roses are red
 Violets are blue"

He would reply 

"Sugar is sweet
  And so are you."

The cliche of the poetic words.
But still,
Thank you.

sugarcoat

Someone *cough Amir cough* used to tell me few things;

" people change. Opinions change, that's life.
  We move forward, but not you, no.
  You have to linger in what happened to you.
  So hurt by love that you shut it out,
  Close it down,
  Run away because you're so scared to feel." 

" you're so cold,
  so cut off from everything kind, loving, sweet, honest, 
  that you're just a mess of darkness.
  Your hatred for humanity is like a disease.
  How could anyone show you any kindness when you show none back? 
  How could anyone show you any love when you could never show it back?" 
  
What he said was a hurtful truth.
He knew I could never digest if he sugar coated the words. 
But it was an insight, 
Him being scared that I'd be too withdrawn from the world, 
Too messed up until there's no turning back. 
And I see it. 
The way he says, 
"I am scared for you. I want my happy little girl back." 

Scared

It's freaky enough when the one you've been pining on likes you too.
It's a 1 in a million chance.
But what's weirder than that,
Is that you both fall in love at the same time.
But neither has the guts to say it.

How is this my life?
It's too good to be true,
I'm afraid that all these were just lies.
A lie that was made for me,
Then crashing it like a thunderstorm,
Without any cautions or signs,
And I will be left in my dismay again.

What if it's just a punchline trying to be said?
That "hey, you're having an illusion. Jokes on you!"
And I snap back to reality.

I'm happy that it's too scary.

Again.

You broke my heart, again and again.
Till I think that I don't deserve to be loved anymore.
But he teaches me how to love again
And I try to keep up with half of my heart,
At least with what left of it.

Don't screw this up.
Appreciate everything,
Everyone.
Even the smallest gesture.

Because you deserve to be loved.

A Miracle. As if.

" What is that word when your crush likes you too?" 
" An imagination." 

Now, I'm not so sure.
But I'm also not sure of the future. 
All I can say is that, 
I am content.