Hina Sangat Ke?

Lumrah orang putus kasih.
Kadang-kadang awkward bila ditinggal sendiri.
Tu aku faham.
Tapi sampai obvious sangat nak lari dari aku kenapa?
Bukannya aku gigit dia pun.
Ke memang nak tunjuk yang kau dah benci sangat aku?
Sampai orang menanya yang kita berperang bak World War II..
Kalau pun dah tak sayang,
Kalau pun hati dah tawar,
Perlu ke act macam aku bawak influenze H1N1??
Sampaikan nak lalu tempat aku berdiri pun tak nak.
Padahal lalu je.
Tak mati pun kalau lalu.
Aku tak tikam kau lah kalaupun kau lalu tepi aku.
Kita masih di team yang sama untuk Action Song ni walaupun di branch yang lain.
Terima kasih sangat-sangat.
Terima kasih.

The First Time We Met

I was 7, playing by myself in Tok Wan's meadow.
A boy came on a bicycle through the forest behind an old abandoned school.
He looked at me like I was some sort of an alien,
and paced slowly at me.

"What are you playing?" he asked.
"I'm making a cuisine."
"With grasses and flowers? Who's going to eat THAT?" he laughed.
"Would you?" I retorted, didn't quite understand the cynical in his voice.
"Well, if I wouldn't pass out after that, maybe I would," and he crossed his legs, trying to entertain me.

I was amused by his laughs,
His endless skeptical remarks,
But I didn't enjoy being left behind every time he plays with his guy friends.
They never let me in their games simply because I'm a girl.
After that he'll come waltzing his way into my world,
With no words of apologize,
Just like he belonged there at the first place.
And I could never get mad at him longer than 10 minutes.

That was 15 years ago,
And I was amazed by how many times passed,
It feels like I've known you my whole entire life,
And how breathtakingly you made my life.
I guess I've been in love with you for a very long time now.

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart,
That's still beating.

" I love. I have loved. I will love".

"It's hard being left behind. It's hard being the one who stays."

"It's dark now and I'm very tired. I love you, always. Time is nothing."

"I wanted someone to love who would stay; stay and be there, always."

He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?”


“I'm living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there's a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense.”


" I try to put my heart into his, for safekeeping, in case I lose it again.”

 “‎I never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand losing. But it's too late for that.” 

“I hate to be where he is not, when he is not. And yet I am always going, and he cannot follow.” 

Heartfelt

Sebenarnya aku faham perasaan tu.
Walaupun situasi berbeza
Tapi I can say we're in the same boat.

Walaupun aku dicop "non-jiwang" by Siti Adilah Mohd Alias dan Sabariah binti Kese
hati perempuan mana tak tersentuh
Bila ayat macam tu tersembul dari mulut dia
Lagi-lagi kalau dia tu orang yang bermakna dalam hidup kau
Tak kira lah kau benci or sayang orang tu
Selagi dia bermakna dalam hidup kau
Apa yang dia cakap mengenai kau
Hati kau akan terusik

Itulah hakikat sebenar hati seorang perempuan
Sedegil-degil dia pun
Setabah-tabah dia pun
Hati dia senang terusik..

Aku sebenarnya letih jadi degil ni.
Susah untuk pretend kau tak peduli bilamana kau seboleh-bolehnya nak dia dalam kawasan mana kau boleh nampak dia.
Aku mungkin akan lagi tenang
Kalau aku boleh berbaik-baik semula
Macam kawan.

Tapi tu tak bermakna aku menyesal
Sebab susah nak maafkan dia
Cuma aku berharap situasi akan jadi lebih baik
Kalau aku dapat cakap berdepan
Yang aku dah tak marah
Yang aku nak lepaskan
Yang aku mahu menjadi kawan semula

Sebab sejujurnya
Aku memang letih sangat-sangat.
Maybe because when the universe wanted to see me bend and break,
I'm already broken.
Inside and out.

PIRATES!

Ana comes onto deck after a furious round of shouting at Dila over the giant spread out maps of where they should be going and how long it should take them, resulting in nothing more than a headache and a pouty, sulking Dila. Ana doesn't consider it all time wasted but it's close enough. 

Jai's standing at the helm, looking out to nowhere in particular, and Ana can hear splashing and shrieking giggles that probably means Saba has found yet another possibly lethal ocean animal and befriended it. 

"I hate the world," Ana says conversationally. "One day, I'll crush all the infidels beneath my foot." 

Jai doesn't even blink. "We should go that way," she says instead, pointing to - from what Ana can tell - a random spot on the horizon. 

"We should throw Dila overboard and feed her to the sharks," Ana snipes in return. 

"Saba likes her too much," Jai says peaceably. "The sharks wouldn't touch her." 

Ana grumbles. "And her eyebrows would spear them anyway, but that doesn't mean I can't try." 

With supreme serenity of one that is blissfully unaware, Jai ignores her. "We should go that way." 

"Oh? What's over there, Jai?" Said asks, peering over Jai's head, having softly padded up behind them. She has a still pouting but considerably calmer Dila tightly by the hand, who makes a soft grumpy noise of inquiry also. 

"Where we need to go," Jai says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. She turns to give them all a content smile. 

"Oh, of course," Ana mutters beneath her breath, but exchanges a wry look with Dila. 

Dila arches an exceptionally pointed eyebrow in return and shrugs her shoulders. She's half curled into Said's shorter form, half trying to lean over the railings to get closer to where ever Jai pointed to. 

"Is it safe?" the sole voice of reason interjects. Said's mouth tilts at the corners; she thinks it's as good a way as any to decide, given there will be less bloodshed - probably. 

Jai only smiles even brighter. "It's going to be good weather," she declares like there's not a chance of anything else. The sea is a glorious shade of green blue, capped in white, and the wind is brisk without being overly strong. "I wonder what we'll have for dinner tonight." 

And right on cue, there's the loud thump of Saba resting her elbows on the deck, having shimmied up the rope ladder from where she was playing with all sorts of strange and unsavory beasties. 

"Hey guys!" Saba hollers cheerfully, ignoring the mounting dread on Ana's face, the way Dila is torn between blanching and ridiculously charmed; the sun highlights the bedraggled wet mess of Saba's hair. "You'll never guess what I just found!" 

Behind her, a lone tentacle - as thick around as a man's waist - waves in the air. 

"A kraken!" Saba exclaims, grinning maniacally. "He followed me home. Can we keep him?" 

Ana, halfway to the galley already, ignores the rising babble and screaming behind her. It was going to be good weather today indeed.

gaaahh~!!! we're all going to die!!!

STOLEN TURKEY SLICE AND SOMETHING ELSE

Sometimes you wonder whether you are simply too nice or too stupid to fulfill their requests, but you continue to do it anyway, “So what does that makes me? An idiot?”. Sabariah Kese asked herself as she tied on the apron strings at the back of her waist.

She opened the fridge and peered in for a while, before her hands started to reach out for the items that she would need in order to make each member her specific breakfast, while at the same time her mind was ticking off their list of orders:

Jai wanted grilled cheese and tomato sandwich.

Ana wanted half-boiled eggs on brown toast.

Said wanted turkey and cheese sandwich.

Dila wanted EVERYTHING, thank you very much.

She checked again the note pasted on the fridge, the one that she asked them to write on after she went to bed early last night.

Saba, do you think you can make me that tasty grilled cheese with tomato sandwich that you made last time? with extra cheese???

Saba, half-boiled eggs and brown toast, please??^^

p/s: I’ll help you with the dishes later, promise!!

Sabaaaa~, how about some turkey and cheese sandwich, like the one we had at that deli last week. …and thanks for making breakfast again, MOM!

p/s: Don’t worry, if Ana breaks her promise, I’ll do it!

Saba, I’ll eat anything you make!!!! As long as it’s food!!!....mouth-watering, taste-bud licking food!!! Ahhh, am getting hungry already, and it’s only 2 in the morning. Wish you would wake up and make breakfast now TT___TT.

p/s : from food-lover Dila to the ultimate chef Saba.^______^

p/s 2 : Oh,Oh, I want EVERYTHING in my sandwich,Thank Youuuu!!!!!

Yup, she got all the orders straight, alright. She sighed once, wondering why couldn’t they just want the same thing for breakfast? Like fried rice for instance? That would certainly make her job easier. But NOO, they simply had to ask for different things. Oh well, its too late to take back her offer to make breakfast anyway, so she might as well get started on it, before the rest of the brood wake up and started nosing around in her sparkly clean kitchen.

She took a saucepan, filled it with water, and started to boil the eggs. Then she moved around the kitchen and busied herself with the others’ preferences, slicing various pieces of bread and rinsing the salad leaves under running water. Thinking that Said might want her fruits salad as well, Saba opened the fridge again, grabbed some dark olives, kiwis, a ripe peach, a green apple, a packet of strawberries and a small tub of fresh yogurt. Then, thinking about the stares that she would be getting from the kids when they realized that only Said’s portion contained the fruits salad, she grabbed more items, enough to feed five persons.

Saba started to chop the salads and tomatoes into small pieces, and again she cut the strawberries into heart-shaped ones, always heart-shaped ones, she does not know why, but they look nice that way.

She was slicing a big chunk of turkey meat for the sandwich, when she felt a figure entering the kitchen and creeping up behind her shoulder. However, she pretended not to notice until a few seconds later, when a naughty hand tried to grab a slice of turkey, just as she predicted. A swift swat scared the wanna-be-thief away.

“Owwww. That hurts.”

“Serves you right.”  Saba replied as Dila wailed the hurt away.

“What’s wrong with just a bite?” the younger pouted her lips.

“A bite? You called a BIG slice of turkey salami A BITE? HAHA. Very funny. You know how I hate for anyone to spoil---”

“OWWW!”

“I SAID, Don’t touch it!”

“But I’m starving, wait, no, I’m famished, up to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. My stomach exchanged itself with Ana’s black hole of a stomach last night and I’d die if I don’t have a slice of that turkey right now----.”

 Dila was shut silent for a moment as she munched on whatever it is that Saba just shoved into her mouth. She was thinking happy thoughts, of big fat juicy turkey slices dancing in the air when her taste buds finally registered the fact that it was no big fat juicy turkey slice.

“ That doesn’t taste like turkey.” The pout made an appearance again.

“No, of course it doesn’t.” Saba refused to rise up to the bait and continued with the task at hand, her eyes never leaving the chopping board.

“Go and do something else, watch the TV or something while I finish preparing this”.

“Awww, Sabaa~. How about just one piece? Just one, huh?”.

Slowly getting annoyed, Saba turned her head slightly to face the persistent younger;

 “Dila, I’ve told you before, you ca----.”, but the protest died on her lips, as a pair of swift hands quickly grabbed a big flesh of turkey salami right under her nose and the thief quickly ran away to Said's room.

Meanwhile, one big fat juicy slice of turkey salami is missing and the naughty thief is nowhere to be found in the kitchen.

i always loved kitchen scene

Hijrah

Benda yang aku baca kat fesbuk Munee tadi memang buat aku takut.
Takut, takut sangat-sangat.

Aku ajak Saba pergi semayang Maghrib di balai
and she replied "kenapa kau tiba-tiba alim ni?"
I told her "aku insaf sekejap" with a nervous "hehehe"

Yes
Sometimes I read or watch mediums that can makes me scared of what happened at the Mahsyar.
And I became filial.
But it never was a long-term commitment..
And sometimes I regretted it,
asking myself "why is it so hard to become committed to your own religion?"
and I realize that it came from within me.
My own resolution to change.
It is stupid people only makes resolutions only when it is New Year
when we should change whenever we know our current selves are not good enough.

I hope this change will become permanent.
Like my resolution to wear hand-socks.

For starters,
read al-Quran everytime I finished my Maghrib prayers.
Pray in Balai Islam for at least Maghrib and Isyak.
Rein in from making sins (ones that I can control of).

I have done terrible things to numerous people
And some I was brave enough to admit it
But some I am not
Because I was a coward
Up until now
I am scared to admit it
I am THAT much of a coward.

Reading about the scenery of after-life in Mahsyar makes me realize
That eventhough I am brave enough to be left alone ON THIS LIFE
I am scared to be hisab later on,
by myself
because everyone knows
at Mahsyar
mothers leave their kids, husbands leave their wives
everyone are on their own
and that makes me scared shitless.

I am aiming for Jannah (insyaAllah) from now on,
minimizing my sins as much as I can
gather good deeds as much as possible
and one thing that I really really want;
I want to pull my family and friends into Jannah too.
Starting today.

Being in Balai with Saba,
I hope it will be permanent,
and I can conjure my strength to ask Dila, Said and Jai too.
For my family,
the least I can do is to pray for them each time I finished solat.
Hoping Umi and Abah,
Tokwan,
siblings,
my 13 uncles and aunts,
my cousins
to be able to get into Jannah too.

I am not "perasan-baik-sangat-macam-la-ilmu-agama-kau-cukup" kind of dude,
I just realize that the life on this Earth doesn't even compare to the life hereafter.
I was sulking about Syidi.
Now knowing it wasn't worth it,
I want to change for the better.
So I can deserve a man that is far better for me.
And I want my friends to be able to feel the same way I feel right now.
Maybe we won't be as good as Kecik or Ada,
But I want us to be able to smell the fragrance of Jannah later on.
Together.

One thing left,
when I finished reading that scenery in Mahsyar thingy,
the only thing that popped in my head is that
"aku nak umi aku nak umi aku nak umi dan abah"
and I wanted to cry.
It is a scary thing,
Knowing at Mahsyar later on,
Umi and Abah will be separated from me.
I am scared.

Ya Allah.

Ilham

a boy
hair as black as raven
skin as fair as September's beach
smiles as lovely as the warm spring
honest at fault
kindness at heart
a miracle

one that i can truly call mine
it doesn't matter if he's non-athletic like me
but he always makes people pleasant of him
a young man with humorous wits

i've been dreaming of you
many many times
sometimes i even day-dream
what it would feel to finally meet you

it would be enough to call you mine
a son in my dreams
a son in my heart

kenapa buat aku macam ni?
kenapa bagi aku harapan?
aku dah start lupa semua benda ni
cuba sedaya-upaya untuk lepas
mula baru
bukak hati untuk orang lain
tapi hanya dengan sikap concern tu
aku sayang balik

mungkin aku perasan lebih
tapi ni lah yang aku rasa
aku taknak jadi macam ni
tolong jangan beat around the bush
walaupun takde niat lain
tapi sekecik-kecik niat tu
satu harapan terbit balik

kalau tak boleh cakap tak boleh
sebab aku dah letih

Kizumomo (and Blahs)

I haven't been online for somewhat feels like an eternity.
But it's only for a few days because stupid stupid IPG wifi was probably struck by lightning and went AWOL on us.
And I lost my patience.
Using roommate's broadband for awhile,
Just to update blog.
And watch a little bit movies.

Anyhoo,
Recently been watching a cheapskate Japanese movie called "Kizumomo".
Kizu=wound
momo=peach

I don't know what wounds have anything to do with peaches.
But the actors?
I do know most of them.
From frickin' TeniMyu!!!!!
We have Toru Baba (Niou of Rikkai),
Furukawa Yuta (Fuji's 4th Generation of Seigaku),
and Kawai Ryunosuke (Hiyoshi of Hyotei).

It's like TeniMyu crossover HAVEN!!!
I was literally screaming my lungs off.
Only if Toru was the protagonist,
the only other part suitable to be played by is supposedly MASA!!
I mean,
Masa and Toru played THE FRICKIN' PLATINUM PAIR in TeniMyu.
They are INSEPARABLE.
Like their characters; Niou and Yagyuu.
But then,
we have Furukawa.
Damn.
I could be the happiest fujoshi ever if it wasn't this mistake.

And blah blah..

Second,
I searched about Luke and weird dark-humored Doctor Reid in soap opera As The World Turns.
I haven't seen that opera since I've graduated from SPM.
Kinda missed it.
But from what I remember,
LUKE SNYDER IS IN RELATIONSHIP WITH NOAH!!
Where is our main couple: NUKE / LOAH???
WHY IS REID SMOOCHING ALL OVER LUKE'S FACE??
WHERE IS NOAH??????
I hate the day I left that soap opera.
I mean, my last memory is when Noah got blind and Luke got all busy and Dr.Reid being overly sarcastic and hates Luke for no reason,
I thought somehow,
they are gonna make it.
I mean, they overcome the Ameera thing, the thing with Luke/Noah's dad, the psychotic maniacal twins who tried to separate them,...
And VOILA!
Damn.
And from the ending of the story,
Reid died.
Poor poor my baby Luke.
I just wants to hug the crap out of him and give him hot milk.

Last babble before I give broadband to roommate;
NEW COUPLE = NEW SOAP OPERA.
It's Mexican.
A very very sweet couple from Mexican soap opera "El Cor De La Ciutat".
Iago and Max.
Iago is a troubled teenager with pickpocketing problem and Max is a sweet sweet (younger version of Jaejoong) smart kid.
Plus Iago OFTEN changes his hairstyle (which makes him more and more dashing by the episodes),
And Max, well, he's cute like a timid kid but as he matures,..well.he matured.
Well,like usual couples,
they have problems,
blah blah blah,..
But still OH MY GOD THIS SWEETNESS WILL ROT MY TEETH!!if I have any.
I need to tell this to my sister.
She will squeal like a frantic fangirl.
I swear.

Tata for now (still praying for wifi).