Hijrah

Benda yang aku baca kat fesbuk Munee tadi memang buat aku takut.
Takut, takut sangat-sangat.

Aku ajak Saba pergi semayang Maghrib di balai
and she replied "kenapa kau tiba-tiba alim ni?"
I told her "aku insaf sekejap" with a nervous "hehehe"

Yes
Sometimes I read or watch mediums that can makes me scared of what happened at the Mahsyar.
And I became filial.
But it never was a long-term commitment..
And sometimes I regretted it,
asking myself "why is it so hard to become committed to your own religion?"
and I realize that it came from within me.
My own resolution to change.
It is stupid people only makes resolutions only when it is New Year
when we should change whenever we know our current selves are not good enough.

I hope this change will become permanent.
Like my resolution to wear hand-socks.

For starters,
read al-Quran everytime I finished my Maghrib prayers.
Pray in Balai Islam for at least Maghrib and Isyak.
Rein in from making sins (ones that I can control of).

I have done terrible things to numerous people
And some I was brave enough to admit it
But some I am not
Because I was a coward
Up until now
I am scared to admit it
I am THAT much of a coward.

Reading about the scenery of after-life in Mahsyar makes me realize
That eventhough I am brave enough to be left alone ON THIS LIFE
I am scared to be hisab later on,
by myself
because everyone knows
at Mahsyar
mothers leave their kids, husbands leave their wives
everyone are on their own
and that makes me scared shitless.

I am aiming for Jannah (insyaAllah) from now on,
minimizing my sins as much as I can
gather good deeds as much as possible
and one thing that I really really want;
I want to pull my family and friends into Jannah too.
Starting today.

Being in Balai with Saba,
I hope it will be permanent,
and I can conjure my strength to ask Dila, Said and Jai too.
For my family,
the least I can do is to pray for them each time I finished solat.
Hoping Umi and Abah,
Tokwan,
siblings,
my 13 uncles and aunts,
my cousins
to be able to get into Jannah too.

I am not "perasan-baik-sangat-macam-la-ilmu-agama-kau-cukup" kind of dude,
I just realize that the life on this Earth doesn't even compare to the life hereafter.
I was sulking about Syidi.
Now knowing it wasn't worth it,
I want to change for the better.
So I can deserve a man that is far better for me.
And I want my friends to be able to feel the same way I feel right now.
Maybe we won't be as good as Kecik or Ada,
But I want us to be able to smell the fragrance of Jannah later on.
Together.

One thing left,
when I finished reading that scenery in Mahsyar thingy,
the only thing that popped in my head is that
"aku nak umi aku nak umi aku nak umi dan abah"
and I wanted to cry.
It is a scary thing,
Knowing at Mahsyar later on,
Umi and Abah will be separated from me.
I am scared.

Ya Allah.