His Hand In Marriage

"I think I am going to ask for his hand in marriage after we graduate." 

Was what I told Mum when I came back a couple of days ago.
I don't know it was the flu talking, 
Or me being hormonally irrational, 
I just blurted it out of the blue. 
I was expecting Mum to shrug it off, 
Or laugh at it casually, 
But she patted me on the head and say, 
"I know you achieved such a long road to just recover back,
And I don't know why are you sprouting such things right now, 
But maybe yous should REDHA of what happened, 
Let it go completely,
God stores something much more bigger.
You love him so much you don't see other things in front of you, 
Other people who wants the same opportunity, 
And you play around to fill the emptiness. 
For what, 
If it only takes you back to him each time?
Redha my darling. 
I took you more than a year, 
Now redeem those years and live as you should. 
Happily." 

Mum rarely gives long speech about my love life. 
She always think that I can manage it well.
But when it comes to that person, 
I am never well. 

I distinctly remembers about living my single life to the fullest, 
Backpacking and all,
But sometimes all I ever wanted was him.

Goddammit is this how you treat your friend??! 
By infecting her with your virus??!! 

I mean I totally can understand if it is by chance,  
But you did it on purpose!! 
If you want to eat my corn so bad, 
ASK and I will buy /give it to you!!! 

Now I am sitting in the hospital, 
A needle jabbed in my veins, 
And I still got a kkp left, 
And project to do. 

Do you think this is funny?? 
WHY. DO. YOU. HATE. ME. SO. MUCH???

Oh Hey, I've Been Impaled.

If there is such a demon that sucks people's depression to stay alive,
I would be its first victim.
And there is no chance of winning,
Per se.

I'd be dead.

And the people who would have been my saviors,
Would play the vital part in deciding my fate;
The reason of my death.

"People are strange when you are a stranger."

You're worthless.
Nobody needs you.
No one wants you.

"Keep hurting for me."

I know I wouldn't make out of it unscathed.

You're a nuisance. Why do you even exist?

I Am Zo Habi

FINALLY!!
After a few hours of struggling to kill the dude myself,
He gave up on me.

My problem is settled.
But came this one.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU, PSYDUCK?

 

He says I am the one who is drunk.

But the guy is in denial.

What am I gonna do with you?

Weddings.

On our trip back to Kuala Berang,
Zetty got a call from her high school friends,
Of which two of them are getting engaged.

And kids,
That is how your mother founds out your Aunt Zetty's REAL Penang slang.

She went into hysterics,
Which sent the girls into hysterics also.

And from then on I know,
Girls,
When they found out about marriages,
They will think that;
"Why it isn't me?"
"Why am I not engaged to be married?"
"When will it be my turn?"

Probably because the girls they know,
The girls their age,
Are close to getting married.

When they also have their own choices of husbands.

As of me,
I was molded by 4 men.
Who thinks marriage is a waste of time.
And live your youth to the fullest.

So marriage was not in my book.
After him,
It was completely erased.
Nil, nada.

I just wants to enjoy what I have for now.
Live.
But I will be happy for my friends.
Heck,
I will crash into their wedding plans days before the akad.

Do not worry my darlings,

Do not fret.

Your beautiful day will present,

And your hero will come gallantly,

Making you as his permanently.

Whether it is Afeq for Zetty,

Saba for Alimin,

Jai for Farid,

Munee for Jak,

Or Dila for,,..ehehe... I know who the guy is LOL.

Which left me with Said and our awesome adventures of singleness!

Crazy

I haven't made many stories about crazy friends since a year ago.
I was thinking,
Why did I stop?

I am currently chain-listening to The Vamp's "Can We Dance?",
The lines that caught my ears and eyes were,
"Don't mind my friends,
I know they're all crazy,
But they are the only friends that I have"

The people that can accept my craziness,
And as well as being comfortably crazy around me.

All the things that they don't even show their boyfriends (laughs).

The only boys that sees me during my rebel years,
And laugh at it while pat me on the head.

The girls that makes squinty eyes whenever I make weird face expressions,
And starts a chain-story.

The eldest of us,
That is never sober but yet,
Gives all the advice I needed,
And the most comfortable person I open up to.

The one that always clams up whenever we ask about her relationship with Farid,
But she analyzes the situation I am always in,
And tell the flaws that could eat me inside and out.

The one that is always winning in everything,
Who shows aura of superiority,
But no one but us knows her "dark" side,
Where she crazily like to act as a raper.(Yes, raper. Not rapper.)
With me being the victim,
Primarily.
No, seriously.

The one who is the most similar to me,
But somehow I think the way she deals with things,
By not giving a shit,
And buries herself in work,
Is something that I can never do.

And the one that may seem like a feminine girl,
With her angelic voices,
But not to be fooled by her also craziness,
And addiction to coffee powder.
Yes,
Coffee powder.

Being crazy as well as being happy,

Is when I found them when I was lost and away from my previous craziness.

These Hands Gripped Me

With their help,
Now the thing I was scared of doing,
Just because I don't want to be awkward,
I have done it.

Those hands that gripped my shoulder,
Slapped me into reality,
Showed me the flaws,
Pulled me up the surface.

Not to mention those hands also texted the person I was so scared of to.

Because if I prolong this only a bit while longer,
All that left is a shell of a person.

Because her soul was drenched,
Killed by a parasite.

Everything is fine,
You are fine,
Nothing will break you anymore.
Because a thing that is already broken,
Cannot be crushed again.

I Can See The Path Again

There will always be consequences when you start something.

Can I live with a narcissist, attention-seeker, selfish, and a psychopath?

Hell, no.

If this starting point makes me feels deteriorate,
My soul is crumbling pieces by pieces,
I need to be firm and get out of this hell hole.

I was so envious of my friends.
They found their halves.

What I found are always some testosterone-induced weirdoes,
That only sees me on the outside.
My fault for being a hypocrite.

Because the only man who sees me in my flaws,
When I am being hormonal,
Childish,
Crazy,
Sulky,
The times when I push him away,
Was only him.
My heart was beating 100 miles per second when the jade bracelet he gave me was broken.
I was thinking, 
"Is this a sign that I need to erase him from my everything?"
But he used to be my everything.
The one thing I used to be so certain of.
And here I want someone of mine,
A baby boy having his name.

Cariad. 

The person who loves me at my worst.

I can't be mad at Ricchan for still reminiscing his love memories with Atheera,
Since I do that too.

After him,
I learned to be a hypocrite.
With him,
I was myself.

Now I can see the path again.
I can see my backpacking journey,
I can see myself building a library,
I can see myself do things I want to with my parents,
With my friends.

I can see the way again.

The path that I drew, I can see it again.

Thanks Saba, Jai, Zetty, Dila, Said, Munee, Ricchan, Amir.

Thank you.

Who Are You, My Master?

Wants me to be caring,
Wants me to be perfect in dressing,
Wants me to fulfill every needs.

Then what about me?

What about what I want?
Am I your frickin' slave?
Should I tend to your every need?

When it was about informing,
I can still compromise.

But then I am starting to feel like a maid.
No,
A slave.

I just say "yes" so things would not get awkward as long as I am in this hateful place,
So I would not run away scared each time we meet,
So I can do my work without the feeling of depression.

I have met many kind of men.
But most of them are in my age.
So I can understand.
I can relate.

But a person of 10 years older,
This peculiar way of thinking,
It baffles me.

I am so scared when Saba says,
"Be careful. Older person has many experience,
So they may manipulate things so you would do things their way.
In the end,
You are stuck.
Dead end."

I can do things their ways.
If they can compromise to do things my way.
But up until now,
All I ever feel is,
I am your personal dress-up toy,
Your secretary where I have to greet you each fucking time,
All me.

But for the sake of my peace in this horrible, horrible place they call a cluster school,
I will hide my demon away and be your robot.
Just for another three weeks.
And I am gone.
Plan all you want,
But I am doing it my way after three weeks.

My plans,
My future,
It is still there.
AND YOU ARE NOT IN IT.

Imma tell you what you are.

Imma tell you who you are.

You are a narcissist, a perfectionist who only sees the physical of a person, wants to take but not to give, never wants to know the person you are involved to but wants them to know about you, and I am not your dog. 

 I am only human.

Payau Exotica

Payau - In Sabahan dialect it is an animal which we call a "deer".

The girls started calling me "Payau" or "Yau" just to spite my Bambi-legs condition. I swear one of these days I'm gonna kill 'em.

This is Fida'iy situation all over again.

Maybe I just have to accept that all guys that are attracted to me only sees me on the cover.

They want the "perfect" girl.

The girl that they can change to suit their taste.

I really, really wants to cry on Ricchan or Amir's shoulder right now.

I want to tell Amir,

"Please tell me one of your crazy jokes just to make me distracted".

I want to tell Ricchan,

"Can we fast forward our backpacking to Istanbul, because I'm scared I won't make it to 2016."

Even if there are many guys around the corner that notice my existence,

They notice my appearance.

Do they even want to see the inside?

Hell no.

That is why people who are not attracted to me,

Are the people who loves me the most.

Couple of days ago I was still so immersed in my future single life,
And now my negative thinking gets the best of me.

I want Amir.
I want Ricchan.

Upside Down

It felt surreal.
It seems like in a "snap" and everything changes.

In just a couple days,
My world turns upside down.

I don't even know what is happening anymore.
All I know is that I feel like a...
cheater.

I was scared.
"What ifs" situations occurred relentlessly in my mind.

Until everything is confirmed,
Let it be in the dark.

Sick Joke

How did this happen? 
No, seriously. 
I am still as dumbstruck, 
And baffled on how did all these happened. 

Zetty was the first one to lay her eyes upon him. 
I was only the benchwarmer. 
The commentator. 
Someone who sees from the sidelines. 

But I did not expect to be involved in this. 

WHY ME? 

Of all people, 
Of all women out there, 
Why me? 

Still a child at heart, 
So immature at mind, 
And I am pretty sure I scare people away with my glare.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE BE ATTRACTED TO ME???

Is the universe pulling a prank because I am a bad person?
Is this some kind of joke?
I don't want to play anymore.
I am tired. 
Please stop this. 
I can't take anymore. 

It's not funny.
People do NOT get attracted to ME. 
People avoid me.
As I them. 
And surely not people who are fulfilling the quota. 

I stop having that feelings anymore,
Because I was scared,
Of hurting people,
Of being hurt..

That is just absurdity.
Nope. 
No. 
Just... 
No.

Words

I'm in love with a nut job.

Stop saying that,
Because with just words,
Things could change.

Feelings could change,
Everything would change.

It is more accepting to just bask in denial,
Pure obliviousness,
Lying to oneself to kiss the wound better.

Tired of all the words.
What happens if the universe tries to mess it up?

Then you'd be all alone,
Again.

How is it disconcerting to wanting to know but afraid to, anyway?