Loud and Clear

You always give off hints.

Lately, I mean.

Is it because you know I won't be able to notice?

You're doing this on purpose,didn't you?

Unfortunately, I did.

I deciphered every meaning behind those words.

It's your way of saying,

"I love you but we can never be together."

It's okay, though.

Just promise me you'd make me your priority before someone else enters your life.

That's my only selfish request.

Impossible.

I can't.
I thought I could.
But I can't.
Sometimes it feels like I'm letting go.
But then I realized I'm still hanging on.

What's the reason?
Is it distance?
The mere memories of you?
Us?
The fact that I can't have you?
Or was it because I'm too stubborn?

Take me back to the start.

It was just a simple mistake.
But the price I have to pay was endless.

A simple mistake.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE CONFRONTING CRAZY PEOPLE???

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.
It's best if you leave me behind.
It's easier to just annoy myself rather than being nuisance to others.
Because then,
I won't have to think about taking care of other's feelings.

I'm not mad.
I'm just frustrated.
Mostly at myself.
Why the HELL did I open up my barrier and let people into my life?
That was the biggest mistake I ever did.
And now I can't undo it.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it all.

I'm building it up again.

wounds

It's not that I am not sensitive or even sometimes hurt by cruel words.
It's just that I don't want to make a fuss about it,
And tried to brush it off.
I know somehow,
One day,
It'll get to me one way or another.
But I am just too tired to argue.
Too sad to reciprocate.
Too depressed to defend myself.

I guess I can never turn back to the person I used to be.

and the wounds in your heart keeps increasing until there's no medicine for it left.

"I don't want to hurt you"

But I'm already broken.

I never thought I have a hyperventilation syndrome.
Until that day.

And I thought it was over.
Until that day.

The feelings have subsided.
But the memories will never be erased.

"It's gonna be fine. I'll go back to the life I used to live before."
That was what I initially thought.
What childish nonsense.

Tell me.
I'm not good in reading minds.

Tell me.
I can't read your expressions.

Tell me.
Because I am tired of making my own thoughts.
And over-think.
Every single time.

Tell me.
It's as simple as that.

The Other Option

What if I took the option A instead of B?

What if..
What if...

There are too many answers and choices we made that led us to the path we are now.
And most of the choices we've made,..
"If only I could turn around the clock, I would choose A instead of B".

But even if I could,
I won't change the fact that we met that one day.
Because of that one day,
I've learned how it felt to really fall in love for the first time,
How it nearly killed me to lose it all.
To gain new feelings that I never thought I had.

But one thing that I cannot change whichever choices I made,
Is that I will always stand at this spot.
The grey spot between black and white.
Between "yes" and "no".
Between "truth" and "lie".
Between "smiles" and "tears".
I'm lost.

When will you just stop being so obstinate and give it up?
I'm trying.

You're not trying hard enough.You still haven't reached the 5th stage of grief yet.And it's more than a year now.
You think it's easy?Then try to feel what I'm feeling!

Look at other people.Look at those around you,they are in despair too.You're not the only one in sorrow.
Stop comparing me with other people.I don't like it when you do that.

I am always here, trying to reason with you.Trying to give you the ups and downs of your actions and thoughts.But you always follow that fellow thumping inside your chest.He's done nothing but giving you tears and despair all these years.I am here, at the crown of your head. The one who always do the thinking, the one who wanted you to be careful in your life.But no,you always give the priority to that stupid bastard.
I know that.I know he always won every arguments when I needed both your opinions.And I've been neglecting your decision for a very long time.I am terribly sorry.

Then what do you want to do now?
I am just tired.Tired of everything.Tired of trying to make it up.Tired of even living.

You want us both to stop functioning?
I wish.

Seriously?Be careful what you wish for.
Why don't you decide it,since you are THE BRAIN?

I am tired of you too.
That makes both of us.

Lifeless Doll

Why is it so hard to be honest?
Why is it so hard to be who you really are?
Is it because you're afraid of what people might judge you?
Is it because you're afraid they will talk behind your back?

Then don't be a part of society.
Society is ugly.

Though it is necessary to be hypocrite in order to survive.
But in front of people who really care,
Do not be hesitate to show who you are inside.
If they are the ones,
They will stay.
If not,
You will learn who are the ones you can call a family, friend.

The little girl learned that the hard way.
Because she was inexperienced,
Naive.
And she never knew how to keep it low.
Whether it's too extreme, or under-extreme.
Or both.
But she knew,
People who care are those who realized her actions and feelings.
Or maybe she was just too easy to read.
But still,
She wanted to believe.

She may be an airhead,
But she is not a total stupid.
She knew she should have given up,
And being obstinate is just a total waste of time, energy, tears.
But at the same time,
It reminds her that those memories kept her strong enough,
From being led to astray.
At times she just wanted to erase everything in her mind,
In her heart,
In her life.

Start over.
A newborn.
But when you have no experience,
You as well be a lifeless doll.
Breathing means nothing.
Living is just as the same as being dead.

Some Genius...

She knew there was no one to blame but herself.
She knew it all.
Oh the resentment.
And of all moments,
It must be in front of him.
ALWAYS.
And of course,
Madam Azlinda too.
Thrice now,
Including this time.

Why little girl,
WHY?
WHY DID YOU ALWAYS END UP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HIM?
Yes,him.
Only him.
She never would've care any less if it's other people.
But then..
Like I said,
There is no one to blame but yourself.
So stop self-pitying and start changing.

how can you still live with yourself for the past 20 years without dying each day of embarrassment?

The Chaser and The Avoider

That moment when you realized you can't be friends,
And you lost them forever.
I am thankful that even though I rejected Ricchan,
He still wants to be my friend.

But this isn't about Ricchan,
It's about a story that I read just awhile ago.

Let me tell you something.
I am not a sympathizer.
I feel easier to sympathize and empathize towards animals rather than humans.
Because humans attract their own problems.
LIKE ME.
I attract problems.
I am the magnet for problems,catastrophes, you name it.
So here it is.

The story revolved around a pair of bestfriends since high schools.
Their friends know that the main character is in love with the other one.
But the other one is oh-so-airheaded!!
So the main character kept silent until they both graduated from high school.
But right before the graduation ceremony,
He confessed to his bestfriend.

The story doesn't end here.
THIS BESTFRIEND,
Who is a stupid,air-headed,dim-witted bastard GOT MARRIED.
And the main character who confessed to his bestfriend,
Went to the wedding.
Sobbing endlessly at the back of the church.
Hoping one day,
Knowing he will never get a chance,
His heart will forget his bestfriend who was with him since,
FOREVER.

Four years passed,
And the main character subsided slowly,
Their friends kept silent,
Telling the one who got married that the main character was oversea.
But they knew better.
If they met,
The one who fell in love will hurt more.
But this married person,
Despite knowing not to be able to reciprocate the main character's feelings,
Always knew..

They are so close yet so far apart.

After four years.
Four years this air-headed person finally realizes,
If the main character able to throw away those feelings in order to be the long-lost bestfriend,
"I've lost him".

"I've loved you too much."
"I never realized up until now that your existence had become more important to me than myself".

Somehow,
this story really makes my heart ache.
Because in stories,
We control the endings.
Of course we wanted the good ones.
But in real life,
If we didn't realize early enough,
We might lose somebody important to us.
And now,
I feel like if I'm not observant enough,
I'm going to lose something important.
Only I don't know what it is.
I am scared.
I don't want to lose anything,
Or anyone ever again.
I am not that strong.
I don't want to chase my own shadow,
And I don't want to avoid something that is important in my life.

When you are busy chasing the unimportant part of your life, the important part is leaving you.

and sometimes when I realized I've lost it,it's too late to gain it back.

That Pair of Eyes

The same eyes that I see every single day.
Dark brown,
With a spark of maturity and calmness inside of it.
The only thing that changed,
Is how those eyes look at me now.

I used to sense the way those eyes perceived me.
How they look at me.
I feel loved.

But now all I see is emptiness,
Like there is no emotion left,
Nothing.

How easy it comes when throwing away something that used to mean the world to you..
And here I am,
Being the biggest idiot.
Thought I could start over,
In the end I'm just fooling myself.
I can't break the chains.
I've lost the keys.

I don't ever want to see that expression again.

My Secret Crush

You have to admit,
The Joker from "Batman:The Dark Knight" is a philosophical genius.
Although he is a suicidal maniac.
Maybe that's why I am attracted to him.
The way he perceived the world in a unique way.
Unlike Bane.

People tend to look at villains with one sided mind.
Never wanting to know why they become what they are now.

And the way the Joker was perceived by late Heath Ledger..
May be one of the most greatest masterpiece ever.
Sadly he also died due to the character.

"We stopped searching for monsters under our beds when we realize it's in ourselves" - The Joker

why so serious?

A One-Side Track Mind

She has a one-sided track mind.
In this context,
It is believed that she cannot distinguish between sarcasm,joke, and seriousness.
Sometimes it's the other way around.
You tell a joke,
She took it seriously.
You being sarcastic,
It's whether she can NEVER comprehend it,
Or she just brush it off,
Not wanting to know much further.

Because she DOES realize that she has a single-tracked mind.
Sometimes she wonder,
being THAT blur is a gift or a curse.
Well it can be both.
Depends on how you use it.
But for her,
Most of the times it can be nothing but a burden.
To her and those around her.

And that is one of the reason she frequently think it is better for her to be alone.
Because sometimes people get exhausted from explaining to her,
And eventually left her wondering.

WHAT A SIMPLETON.

Stupidity

I'm arrogant?

Fine,if that is what you think.

I don't care.

I just think my fault in this thing was reciprocating when I shouldn't.

And to avoid bigger consequences,

I backed away.

I knew better.

But you don't, don't you?

I can tell a 100 things about your fault to your face.

But I kept quiet because she's my friend.

YOUR FAMILY.

If I have Amir as my own personal adviser from the very start,

I know nothing could go wrong.

Only I won't tell this to his face.

He might get my compliment into his head too much.

I guess I just missed him much much more than I thought.

Weakling

That moment when you not only doubted other people,
But also your own existence.
The whole time,
I've been wondering what I did wrong.
Thinking that whatever I did wrong,
It must have been very important.

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I always thought if I could undo what I did,
I could regain what was lost in the first place.
Not noticing what I sacrificed in the process.

How can the same mouth say things like
"I want to kill you" and "I love you"?
I've fallen into a cruel love.
It's stained the color of blood.

Everything that I ever wanted,
I can't hold on to any of it.
Not even my own pain.
The scar that was left is a proof that I am alive,
Only this wound..

that feeling you get when "that moment" happen, a lump in your throat, head spinning, feeling breathless..

I gain it all back every second of every day.

Not Even A Penny

I was content just watching you from afar.
Before I realized it, I was chasing after you.
Catching up where I've left,
In case the evidence you were mine,
Gone.

"Stop selling yourself short".
How can I sell myself short when I have no worth at all?

Those Tiny Hands

Those tiny hands,
Small and fragile,
Stretching out,
Asking for help.

Those tiny hands,
Broken and shivering,
Getting weaker and weaker,
Helpless by the seconds.

Those tiny hands,
Finally succumbed to darkness,
Too tired to seek out,
An understanding and warmth.

Now those tiny hands,
Changed to a witch's hands,
Long sharp fingernails,
Blood drips from the veins.

The witch's hands shuts everyone out,
By hurting them with her long fingernails,
Because the tiny hands has worn out,
From trying to asking for help.

those tiny hands now are not reaching for help,but to push everything out.

They say a picture worth a thousand words. I present to you my frickin' words.

Somehow is it better to be left alone rather than to be in wrong crowds?