Paranoia

My sister used to ask me, 
"Why are you so paranoid of Amir getting married?" 

I was stunned by her question. 
But I had thought of it many, many times. 

Amir was the only thing that is constant in my life. 
The only thing that I am sure of in this changing world. 
He is my reassurance. 
The one person I have full confident that will make my existence is real. 
Because he is what I can call half of me. 
One that I am afraid of losing. 

I am scared. 
Shitless. 
Of losing him. 
But I can never approve of what may come.

What Comes Next?

If you love me for my beauty,
One day I will be old and wrinkly.

If you love me for my physical,
One day I will be fat and blubbery. 

If you love me for my intelligence,
One day I will be senile and dumb.

If you love me for my attitudes,
People change with time.

Then what point later if it will all gone?
You want me to change for you,
But have you change for me?
I don't abide by human's rules.

Why do people change just to satisfy others?
But inside there is something wrong with how you feel.
Isn't it fake?
Why is somebody else's happiness of being with YOU 
Is much more important than your own happiness
Of being YOU?

I have always been an obstinate little girl.
But I know,
I am nobody's puppet.

I will abide by your rules if you abide by mine. Compromise, no?

Giving Away

Amir and I rarely talks about love.
We purposely avoid the topic.
It never felt right talking about it with him.
But sometimes we do.

One day he surprised me.
"What if I get a girlfriend?"
And I was stunned.
"Wow. So this is how a mother feels when giving away her son in marriage."

He laughed and smacked me on the head with a book.

We never discussed about that ever again.

That one day where we will part, I don't want to see it in the near future.

Madness

"I can't decide whether you're a lunatic or a genius."
"Doesn't they always go hand in hand?"

There was a fine line between insanity and genius, I have erased the line.

Ones that have a peculiar way of thinking.

Ones that is doing the same thing,

Over and over again,

But expecting different results.

That is insanity.

Have I been this crazy these whole time?

I always hear Amir telling me I'm "introvert", "anti-social", and "abnormal",

But the word "insanity" laughs in my head.

Every frickin' time.

And he was joking, per se.

There are reasons.

For people behave they way they do.

And sometimes I think mine works in a different kind of path.

Like a reverse clock.

Or a broken stopwatch.

I measure the time I will finally succumb to what I am, or what I will be.

Brooding Little Shit

Someone please help Will Graham and Derek Hale.

my poor Will

They say two minds alike always creates a friction when they meet.

Meaning here,

Two people with same characteristics tend to argue with each other.

Sometimes because they see themselves in the others' eyes.

Sometimes other people see them like two sides of the same coin.

Basically,

They cannot stand themselves portrayed in other people.

But I am always,

ALWAYS,

Attracted to depressed, dark, brooding, problematic figures.

Not romantically though.

Maybe because it was the darker side that insinuated myself into their minds.

Someone who needs help.

I don't know the reason.

Probably because I also needed help.

There is a raging war inside my mind and my soul,

And it never stops.

There were times when they declared cease-fire,

But it was for awhile.

It'll always go on.

I find solace for awhile,
Sometimes I was happy,
Most of the times all I can see is black.
Bloody pitch black.
Like a raven's feather.
Or the spot hiding in my heart.

In the end,
I'll always try to convince myself,
That I was better off alone.
ALWAYS.

Insanity

This is happening.
It really is happening.
Stop being a BAMF, Vet.
Get yourself together, man.
You are not a jackass.
A douchebag, maybe.
But not below.

Dream of 21st April, 2014.

I was walking on a pavement.
My hands entangled with two small soft grips.
Two bouncing curly hairs on my both sides,
As we walked towards a building.

Two miniature people kissed my cheeks and waved goodbyes,
Enticing a promise from me to take them at 2 pm.
I smiled and waved back.
They were mine.

I paced slowly to a deserted room.
It was like a psychiatrist office.
But it doesn't seem professional.
It smelled familiar.
Like a friend's home.

Amir's head poked out from a corner.
He smiled while I flopped on his comfortable chair.

"You are 38, not 20, Velvet."
"I can't come to my best friend's office?"
"I don't appreciate it when you pester me."
"You don't even have a client."

He threw books at me.
Forced me to read them.

"The guys are coming back next week."

That earned my focus towards his slouching figure,
Writing God knows what.

"Why?"
He scrunched up his nose,
Makes that huff sound whenever he is annoyed,
And a soft crease existed between his forehead.

"It's your birthday."
I replied with a shrug.
He stopped writing,
Close the book,
And walked towards me.

"You stopped expecting us to be here."
It wasn't a question.
I smiled ruefully.

"You told me to start being independent."
I said.

He nodded slowly.
"But you are independent. You raised your twins on your own."
He has that confused tone whenever people doesn't give him the answer he wanted.

"They are mine. It's different."
I sighed.
I look him in the eyes,
The same eyes I've been looking for the past 38 years.
"I am scared.
You know I can't open up to other people except for you guys.
One day it'll all gone,
And I am scared I won't be able to take it."

His frown increased.
"We'll be there. We always will be there."
It was a reassurance.
A comfort.
And I smiled back at him.
The smile I've always given him since we were children.

We all were broken from various people.
In the end,
We came back for those who stayed,
And embraced our darker side like a long lost friend. 

Their Vows - Lips As Sweet As Raspberry Wine

"From the day I met you, you infuriated me. I've heard from numerous sources in my life that you only get really pissed at the people you love the most. From day one, I have been lost to you. Everything you are, is everything I am, everything I want and everything I hope to be. From the first time I saw you, I forgot what it was like to live without you. From the first time you kissed me, I never wanted to know again. From this day on, I am yours, body and soul. I will love you, protect you, fight with you and for you. I will die for you if it comes to that. I vow from this day forward I will not know what it is like to live without you. If your last day should come before mine, I will make it mine as well." - Stiles Stilinski

"Lips as sweet as raspberry wine, I'm drunk on your whiskey eyes when they look into mine. Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do. I never knew love, until I knew you. You are the beginning and you are the end. I never want to live without you ever again. To love and to protect, to keep and to respect. You are forever and I will follow you wherever. Because there's nothing I want more than to stay drunk in your eyes and never say goodbye." - Derek Hale

A Sterek wedding!! It's a fangirl dream came true.

The Dark Side of The Moon?

It is hard to find people who accept who you are.
And it is harder to accept other people's inability to accept who you are.
Two words:
One,
You both change for the best of both worlds.
Two,
Just accept.
Why does it seems like no one other than my sister and Amir can accept THE REAL ME?
Maybe because I reject other people too.
So they reciprocate.

I still can't find one who can.

Maybe no one can.

Feels like wailing my heart out.
Stupidity gets the best of me, though.

everything is wrong.

Nothing is right.

It'll Always Be Him

This seemed like a Déjà vu.
It'll always come back to him.
Always.
Maybe because I was too comfortable.
The comfort of him.
Giving his opinion.
Being unsubtle.
Tried to make me laugh.
But know enough to let me solve my own problems.
It's not like other people didn't know.
But Amir.
Amir knows the most.
And sometimes I even think he knows more.

Because in the end,
Even if it is problem,
Or happiness,
Sadness,
Guilt,
Depression,
Anger,
Or sometimes uncontrollable wrath and rage,
I will find myself searching for him,
My other half,
My best friend,
Amir bin Ibrahim. 

And sometimes it scared me,
That I will have to be independent,
Away from him,
I'd lost the comfort,
It is not the same,
Other people.
Even my own beau.
I am sorry,
But I don't think I can open up to other people,
As much as I opened up myself to him.
And up until now,
I don't know how or why,
He has the different kind of affection towards me,
Probably because of his words,
Never sugarcoats anything.
Relaxed,
Soothing words,
Without even meaning to console me.

What if one day I will lose this comfort?

I will lose you to someone else?

It is scary, more than any problems in this world combined.

I don't want to face that day when it comes.

Friends? Or Foe?

Ego.
Everyone has ego.
Even the smallest, tiniest bit of it.

But there is one type of ego,
That is just abominable to the people surrounding it.

Why do people hurts everyone around them?
And me?
Am I bound to be everybody's scapegoat?
Forever?

I asked to help.
To make your work easier.
Nope.
Your ego forbade it.
Then, 
The next thing I know,
You dragged me down to the pit of hell.
I swear to God I will never forgive you if I have to re-do the assignment.

And her.
Why is it she always have the need to be the small little devil into people's relationship?
She really does like seeing other people's friendship fallen apart,
Does she?
I am mad enough at her.
Do not provoke me.
I am not that stupid to be your puppet.
Thank God for my introvert behavior.

I am not anyone's puppet.
I have had enough.
Having whims on all of your fucking behalves.
All of you.
I want to go back,
Where it was just me,
Me alone,
Me in my own world.

Because when I open up the door to my world,
They came with various purposes.
To hurt,
To abandon,
To stab you in the back and leave your body lifeless. 

thanks for the memories

thanks for teaching me how evil humans can be

The Fault In Our Stars

" Getting hurt in this world is inevitable, but we do get to choose who we allow to hurt us." - Augustus Waters

I chose to stop pining.
I chose to stop hurting myself.
I chose to stop being alone.
I chose to step out of these webs of darkness.
But I also chose to close my eyes,
See nothing,
Hear nothing,
Say nothing.

Two Broken Pieces

He is insecure 
While she is broken. 

He has self-esteem problem 
While she is depressed. 

He comforts her 
While she tries to lift his spirit up. 

They are not perfect. 
Their flaws complete each other. 
He tries to be understanding. 
She tries to keep up. 
He tries to mend her broken heart. 
She tries to be the best for him. 

Incompletion. 
But they try. 
At least they try.