Of Getting Married Early

Today,
When we drove back to IPG for the last time for this year's Ramadhan,
Jai asked me;
"Kau perasan tak kenapa takde sorang pun dalam geng kita yang cakap 
AKU NAK KAHWIN CEPAT-CEPAT?"

I was taken aback by her question.
And after some thinking,
I answered,
"Maybe sebab kita jenis yang tak pikir sangat pasal benda ni.
Maksud aku,
Even kau, Saba & Zetty yang dah ada calon pun,
Korang tak terhegeh-hegeh nak kahwin awal.
Kau ada hobi lain yang nak dibuat dengan duit selain dari kahwin,
Saba nak kasi duit kat mak ayah dia dulu,
Dan Zetty jenis yang tak kisah mana-mana pun,
Maksudnya dia berserah je kat boyfren dia nak buat apa nanti.
Said is on top of the social status,
So kita tahu dia takde masa nak layan pasal lelaki ni semua,
Aku dan Dila,
Kau tau la gila kitorang macam mana,
Dan frankly aku rasa hati aku dah tertutup since Syidi."

That was my answer.
We talked some more about how our little circle is not like any other girls,
Girls our age (20s).
That Jai voiced her uneasiness of us not being "Perempuan Melayu Terakhir",
Or "Gadis Ayu".
But we aren't even real Malays, literally.

Saba and Dila are Bugis,
Said is Minang,
Jai is Bisaya,
Zetty is, well, Penang,
But you get my idea,
And I'm still blur about my bloodline (LOL).

But her inquiries made me think about it for awhile.
Yes,
We have more important things to do in our youths,
Rather than getting married at early age.

But to counterattack my own words,
There is an Islamic saying that,
"If you want to get rich, 
Marry early."
The problem is,
None of us think like that.

I want to do so much things when I have money,
Rather than spending it on my dowry.

And so do they.

It is just that our minds doesn't only restricted on getting married.
But with different ideas,
Different reasons,
Different causes.

Maybe the reason is our parents,
Maybe the cause is traumatic due to brokenhearted,
Maybe there are many things that can be achieved when you are not in commitment,
Maybe you just feel the other party can do whatever they want,
Or maybe you're just comfortable being on your own.

I can't promise if in the future I will still think like this,

But for the present,

This is my idea on getting married early.

Damn. It. All.

I knew.
I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER OPEN UP MY TWITTER OR TUMBLR!
ALL I SEE IS FALSE HOPE AND SHEER DISAPPOINTMENT!!

FIRST,
THE PREVIOUS SEASON WHERE STILES TOLD LYDIA
"DEATHS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU. DEATH HAPPENS TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU" LECTURE WHEN SHE WAS HAVING A BREAKDOWN,
AND SHE FRICKIN' KISSED HIM.
WHILE BEING IN RELATIONSHIP WITH JACKSON.
AND THEN AIDEN.
OOOKAY....

THEN,
MALIA.
GODDAMNIT I NEVER LIKED THE FEMALE CHARACTERS,
OTHER THAN LOVELY, LOVELY LATE ALLISON ARGENT,
AND KIRA YUKIMURA.
IT'S JUST THAT I LOVED ALLISON MORE,
BECAUSE DUH,
SHE IS THE EPITOME OF DISNEY PRINCESS WITH BOWS AND ARROW.

GODDAMMIT MALIA,
CAN YOU NOT KISS THE VIRGIN?
WAIT,
IS STILES STILL A VIRGIN FOR THE 4TH SEASON?
PLEASE SAY "YES".

JUST GIVE ME STEREK.

Jeff Davies, can you please not torture us like this?

A Crying Embrace - Pray For Gaza

When you come back from school or work,
You feel relieved knowing they are still alive,
Your family.

You look,
Watch over them,
Focusing on the heartbeat that has been the center of your life,
Waiting for it to slow down bit by bit,
When others are crying in the hospital.

Ya Allah save them,

Save our brothers and sisters.

Protect them from the bad things that bombards their lives,

And destroy Islam's nemesis.

He is crazy and I'm losing my mind. 
But if I don't have him I think the depression gets the best of me.
He keeps my sanity intact.
Though I wonder why I love him.
Because two crazy persons should never associate. 

 

God help us.

Book Review: The Old Man And The Sea

It is said that there are 10 top famous literature piece,
And Ernest Hemmingway's "The Old Man And The Sea" was one of them.
I am still searching for the other nine;
Anna Karenina by Tolstoy,
The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne,
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes,
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain,
Jane Eyre by Bronte,
Great Expectations by Dickens,
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee,
The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald,
and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

Well,
I am not ashamed to say I've read "To Kill A Mockingbird" twice,
Once when I was in high school,
And once when we were doing literature in IPG KDRI.
And Jane Eyre once (I really, really despise Mr. Rochester. Seriously, the man was a douchebag.)

And I've watched movie adaptation of "Pride And Prejudice", "The Great Gatsby",
And "Great Expectation".
I develop an affection towards Keira Knightly from "Pride and Prejudice",
And intense hate towards Gwyneth Paltrow from "Great Expectations".
Yes,
I've watched the 1998 version,
Not the 2012.
I mean,
Ew,
Helena Bonham Carter as Miss Havisham?

Well,
Actually Helena Bonham Carter would make ABSOLUTELY AWESOME Miss Havisham rather than Anne Bancroft.

But I am out of topic here.
I want to review about my latest finding,
Ernest Hemmingway's "The Old Man And The Sea".

At first glance,
the book depicts of the old man's struggle with the Marlin and the sea,
A typical story about fishermen.
But then I found out it wasn't about just that at all.
The old man's intense relationship with the boy kept me thinking about the level of friendliness involved.
The boy doesn't just assist him,
He holds something as clear as mentor-worshipping and as a close kin.
But the old man also treats Manolin (the boy) as his equal,
"As fishermen", he said.
Then, 
About his struggle with the Marlin that ensued the pain in his hands.
What remains a mystery is the connection between his faith and DiMaggio..

WHY IS HE FREQUENTLY MONOLOGUING OUT LOUD WHEN HE WAS LOST AT THE SEA?
WAS IT SO THAT HE WOULD KEEP HIS SANITY INTACT?
MAN,
TALKING TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD IS KINDA CRAZY.
"well you're one to talk."
SHUT UP, NO ONE ASKED YOU.
THEN,
SANTIAGO (THE OLD MAN) SAID THERE ARE THREE THINGS THAT ARE BROTHERS.
IT IS THE FISH AND HIS TWO HANDS.
WHY ARE THEY BROTHERS?
YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM,
AND YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
IS THAT IT?

I seriously cracked half of my brain reading this. And I should be saving it for practicum, KKPs, and finals. Yeesh.

Book Review: Midwinterblood

Marcus Sedgwick always portrays the life in many different definitions.
I was wrong when I purchased the book,
Thinking it was a gore, dark-themed piece of literature,
As the cover told me.

It was the story of sacrifice.

I was already lost when the second chapter strikes.

It was always about Eric and Merle.

It is their story.

Love that transcends in many forms.

Father and daughter.

King and queen.

Brother and sister.

It was always about them.

The seven lives they live,

Dance around each other,

And none place other than Blessed Island.

I was searching for the blood bath,

Spine-chilling story lines that makes my skin trembles.

Instead I found love.

And most of all;

Sacrifice.

****

    "I will live seven times, and I will look for you in each one. We will always be together."

Gunnar raises the knife, and the moonlight gleams from its edge.

   

   "I will look for you and love you in each. Will you follow?"

Suddenly Gunnar sweeps the knife across Eirikr's throat, in single long arc of silver.

   

   He makes no sound now. There is no air to make the sound. There are only the lips moving on Eirikr's face, but Melle sees what the words are.

  "Will you follow?"

 ****

Knowing her time was at an end, she lay down on the table. 

    

    People gathered round, but she still saw no one but the face in front of her, the face of Eirikr, her king. 

   She shut her eyes, and as the life sighed gently away from her, she finally answered his question.

  "Yes," she whispered, "I will follow you."

****

And so, their journeys begin.

Ironically

It's funny how gossips spread like a wild fire around this dilapidated place I call campus of IPG KDRI.

And it's not even the latest one.
But God, 
They really knows things fast, didn't they?
Only not the truth.

For example,
When I broke up with the present YangDiPertua a couple of years ago,
People assumed I was the one who called it off.
Sure,
When we were together we incessantly plays this game called "tarik tali".
Sometimes it was him,
And most of the times it was me.
But we pulled it through.
It was only the matter of family's blessing.

But when Munee told me Jak asked;
"It was Ana who break up with him, right?"
I was kinda wanna cry and laugh at the same time.

I always knew that people thought I was the villain in the break-up,
But knowing it with my own ears,
I now know I really am the villain of this book.
Not only in one chapter,
But the whole book.
A static character that never changes.

The same goes with the recent break-up.
Ricchan told me it is the way of life.
Amir said it wasn't anyone's fault.
But I know the truth,
If I never start any of this,
He would still living blissfully happy,
Not feeling down or regret falling in love with the wrong girl.
I was the trigger.
The bad guy.

And now Jowy knows it too.
And he only thought I was seeing someone.
Talk about old, lame, spoiled gossip.
I can lie to everyone else,
Give them what they already heard from others,
But to those who matters,
The truth is important.

It's just I feel that what I do,
Everything I touch,
I break everything that loves me.
They all goes out wrong.
I know I was never made to love someone.

Hate me if that makes you feel better. Please.

Clinginess

When people starts to get close,
I drive them away.
I'm scared of the contact,
I'm scared of being open,
I'm scared that they will get too close,
And eventually break down the walls I've been building.

People who are close to me are not normal,
And they are not clingy,
They can survive on their own,
They have other lives,
And I am comfortable with it.

I realize they are not clingy to me,
Simply because they aren't in love with me.
They do love me,
And I them,
But platonically.
We all know we won't live in each other's lives forever,
So we get comfortable of being like this.

I decide for the level of closeness I want to with them,
I love the girls because they accept me,
I love the boys because they knew me,
And they accept for when I want to be alone,
When I drive them away.

I'm thankful for that.

But other than those people,
Others who wants more,
And trying to climb my walls,
I was so scared because they are armed with clinginess.

I am an introvert.
An anti-social.
I socialize when I want to.
But most of the times I hate everything,
Everyone.

The girls leave me be when they see me avert myself,
The boys know when to hang out together and when to leave me alone,
They know when I want to,
I will be the one coming to them.
No need to push the boundary.

When I start to get close to someone,
I was trying to have a level of closeness,
But they always end up wanting more,
And I get mad.
And all sorts of negativity wells up inside of me.

I do not associate with clinginess.
I draw the line of association whenever I get close to people,
But they always trying to cross the line.
And I end up hurting them.

In the end,
I blame the situation,
I blame them,
I blame for what I am.

I have got these kinds of words attacking me from two people in this world and I end up hurting them, leaving them, because I freaked out when they want to climb over my walls and see me for who I really am when all I ever want was to hide her from everyone. Yes, I am not as emotional as normal girls, not as clingy as a normal girlfriend, too independent for my own good, and drive people away when I am scared. I'm sorry for being me.

I'm Sorry

You are a crazy person,
And craziness seeps within you like a disease.

"Aku dah bagitau awal-awal kan, fikir dalam-dalam dulu sebelum kau buat keputusan."
"Apa sebenarnya yang kau nak dari awal?"
"Kalau kau takde niat nak kawin, kenapa kapel? Kenapa lead someone sampai lukakan dia macam tu sekali?"
"Kalau aku tak kenal kau, persepsi aku terhadap kau ialah PENJAHAT."
"Sebab kau bosan?"
"Kau tak rasa tenang kan? Kau rasa bersalah kan? Tengok tu, tak dengar cakap orang lagi."
"Aku dah tak tau nak cakap apa dah. Bukan sekali benda ni berlaku."
"Kitorang dah agak benda ni akan berlaku. Bukan sehari dua baru kenal kau."
"Susah kalau jenis yang main tarik tali ni. Kau tarik dekat-dekat, bila orang tu rasa secure dengan kau, kau lepas tali tu."
"Jangan buat lagi."

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

I want to say that a thousand times,
But everyone says it is better for you to hate me in order to forget me,
Rather than me making your life miserable.

I am sorry.

When I try not to have mental breakdown, 
Or be depressed, 
Or trying not to cry, 
Because of the mistake I made, 
I like to distract myself,
By playing a game called; 
"Let's Scare The Shit Outta Amir and Ricchan."

How to play: 
I sent them texts giving them hints that I am pregnant and wait for their responses. 

Amir:

 

Well, Amir was pretty busy with the assignments and watching football and humoring me, so his response was boring. 

Ricchan: 

Ricchan threatened to kill me. A good response. Oh good joke. Impractical, but good one. 

But in the end, 

I did break down and opened up everything while sobbed into the phone. 

I need these men, 

And I don't know how to handle all this.

Everything is wrong. 

I can't do it alone.

500 Days Of Summer

It's not about the portrayal of Zooey Deschanel or Joseph Gordon-Levitt,

Though he reminds me so much of the late Heath Ledger (sobs..)

This is about what Summer (Deschanel) views on love.

In the movie 500 Days Of Summer.

"Can he accept that she likes him for now, not for forever?"

That question baffled me all the time I was watching the movie.

Because recently,

That was what I felt.

I mean,

What kind of woman that likes (or has a crush on you) sincerely but not interested in getting married?

The answer would be easy;

Me.

My kind of woman.

I am my own person,

No man can get me.

Summer gets me.

Sometimes I think that love between a man and a woman doesn't exist.

There are only merely compromises, familiarity, and acquaintances between the two genders.

I love my family,

I love my religion,

I love my friends,

I love my pack.

But to experience love between a man and a woman,

I don't have it in me.

Of course,

I could like someone,

Have a crush on someone,

But being hopelessly in love,

And for a long time,

I just cannot.

Save the intense, serious relationships for older days.

And I just couldn't understand why young people are so eager to get married so early,

It's just..

SO SUFFOCATING.

And too domestic.

And routine.

Sometimes I just think that,

Being completely, hopelessly in love,

It's not for me.

Not anymore.

Maybe that's why I lost interest in relationships.

Life happens.

Love just doesn't... exist.

And here I thought I was going crazy, apparently there are some women out there who share the same sentiments.