I Look In The Mirror

Sway,
Little birdie,
Fly away,
Be happy.

I let you go,
Because I was weak,
My heart hurts so,
And the tears I prick.

I look at my hands,
I look in the mirror,
The ugliness enhances,
On the dark side of the door.

Be strong,
Stand on your ground,
Sing a song,
Don't let them know.

I told myself that.

When I see in the mirror,
A child was crying,
She looks like horror,
In her eyes I was dying.

I sealed myself away,
I locked it deep in the abyss,
The days that I pray,
For the day I will find bliss.

She is the demon within,
She laughs like a monster,
When an angel she has been,
But the angel does no longer answer.

She shuts the world out,
She plugged in the songs,
Everything else she doubt,
Finding a place where she belongs.

Hey you,
Wouldn't you take this broken girl?
And fix her up?
Because I think she's no longer usable.

And I laugh at myself.

She was the insignificant chapter
The unimportant past
The vermin that needed to be erased
The one that didn't matter at all
What she thinks or what she feels doesn't count.

Thank you for understanding.

Comeuppance.

This is my comeuppance
It was my fault.
Maybe not 100%
But I had my parts in it.
While sprouting harsh words
I acted like an asshole
He was so patient with me
And I threw it all away
So it wasn't fair.
To just blame him for everything.
I accept it
My comeuppance
I accept it all

I'm sorry
Forgive me.

Why.

I've always knew they know.
But I never said it out loud.
So the aggravations were expressed in terms of insults, harsh words, and anger.
Because I wanted to conceal it in.
I wanted to trade the positive feelings into negative ones.

But today,
I guess I jinxed myself by admitting it out loud.
Knowing the things you said really came true,
That the other person IS hurting,
Even though it wasn't because of you,
It hurts you too.
The harsh words, 
The insults,
I knew it was all lies.
They knew.
But I still wanted to convince myself that those lies are true.

So I can escape my feelings.
Because I don't know how to express it in words,
I guess this lyrics speak it for me.

I don't need to see you cry
I don't need to breathe your life
Think it's time I'm moving on
I gotta let go, let go

After all the things you said
All the stories that I read
Think I'll make it on my on
I gotta let go

All I seen were the years passing by
I just hope that you find what your looking for
And you can start living life
cause I'm living mine

Tell me something that I don't know
Tell me something that heals my fall
Sick and tired of the same old words
Sick and tired of the things I've heard

I don't wanna be angry anymore
I don't wanna be bitter anymore, yeah

- Lawson, Let Go

TW Parody: Frozen's "Let It Go"

I took this from Tumblr. And OH MY GOD, IF YOU'VE WATCHED IDINA MENZEL'S SONG "LET IT GO" from the new Disney movie "Frozen", well be prepared to hear the TW parody from my favorite blogger #runwiththewolves. I absolutely love her, and the parody cracked me. The audio, I cannot stop,laughing. And, oh yeah, Idina Menzel was the chick who played Rachel's Mom in Glee.

link: http://runswithwolves.tumblr.com/post/73564459795/this-is-a-social-commentary-about-the-epidemic-of

lyrics:

The show comes on at 10/9c tonight.

Tumblr Savior’s like a dream –

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like… I’m the Queen

Everyone’s liveblogging like Teen Wolf reflects our lives.

(Couldn’t keep it in; heaven knows I tried.)

What’s with this trend on MTV?

Hirsute men aren’t free to be hairy.

Don’t conceal, be real, be natural…

And let it show!

Let it grow, let it grow!

Can’t you see that the fans want more?

Let it grow, let it grow!

Who’s keeping these man-chests shorn?

I don’t care

What their contracts say

Let the Nair be gone…

They don’t pass for teenagers anyway.

It’s funny how a werewolf

Can shift into a fuzzball,

But then when he’s topless,

There’s no hair to be seen at all!

It’s time to see what I can do

To change our culture’s ideals and values

I guess it’s your choice, but let it be

FOR MEEEEEEEE

Let it grow, let it grow!

Let’s see that testosterone!

Let it grow, let it grow!

Over-styling I can’t condone!

Here I stand,

And here I’ll state:

Let’s ditch the salon…

Also Dylan has a bod – let’s strip them layers down.

My soul will be complete if Hoechlin’s pectorals are unbound,

And Tyler Posey’s sideburns will make sense at last!

Let us never go back!

The wax is in the past!

Let it grow, let it grow!

I’ll flail, and fic, and fawn!

Let it grow, let it grow!

Not just because it turns me on— [awk]

I DON’T CARE

WHAT JEFF DAVIS SAYS

Let the wax be gooooooone!

(The hair never bothered me anyways…)

Losing My Mind Alright. *Hepi 22nd Befdey, Jai!*

"Sometimes there are other things you wouldn't think that would be a good combination, that turn out to be like the perfect combination. Like, two people together, that no one ever thought would be together.."

Okay, there was a moment, TIMES when I was pinning over Broadway Winner for the Newcomer SETH FRICKIN' NUMRICH  and his forever will be Juliet, MATT DOYLE since I saw the indie movie "Private Romeo". I was like, " God, please please please let them be a real item not just on-screen couple, please~~~" and seriously, I was a retard. Not saying that I am not now, *cough* although I'm 22 and going to be a teacher in foreseeable future *cough*.

movie Private Romeo *warning* seriously using the SAME script from Shakespeare's play

But THEN, that is NOT the point. The point is, there was a time I was a stupid little shit (and probably still am), hoping and gratefully holding my breath when I knew one of them swings the other way (if you know what I mean *winks*). That is good enough for me. And hell, I am contented with that information. For at least we cannot make up on-screen chemistry, and probably that is why Doyle looks so comfortable with his disposition as Juliet, and Numrich, being awesome as he is. I got over them for a couple of months after reluctantly moving on to STONY.

So... STONY. Well, it started with the 2012 movie "Avengers" of course *snort* and then it spiraled into one new other thing that led with lusts and wants and needs and a bunch of weird family consisting Hawkass, creepy spy-aunt, cool green Uncle, Boom-uncle and PARENTS. And did I mention Spiderman and Deadpool? Yeah, it goes further away from that point. And then I watched "Ironman 2" and "Ironman 3" and fell in love with RDJ all over again. I mean look at the dude! Got me a solid half a year to move on from fawning over Superhusbands to Superfamily to Spideypool. And I think I might still get the jitters every time I remembered them. Good ones, I mean.

It's the eyes, I swear it's the adorable frickin' eyes that sucked me right in! (to mention that O'Brien also has long eyelashes)

And now, my latest one. That drove my sister and friends crazy. And I am not saying that I am grateful for their understanding for my crazy obsession and not looking at me like I just murdered someone (no, seriously). If they didn't want us fangirls to fawn over them, why make a slash-pairing at all? It was very cruel, and mean, and sloppy, and I didn't like it. Just because STEREK won the award last year, they were adamant enough not to let the ship sails. WTF, MAN? And I found myself praying again for the Hobrien shipping, or at least let one of them be gay. And in TW, let the pray of us fangirls be heard. MAKE STEREK HAPPEN IF YOU WANTED US TO SHIP THEM AT THE FIRST PLACE, DAMMIT! This is bad, I mean really bad from my other shippings. I wish it could go away or I'M the one losing my mind *heh, look, a pun!*

I was only including this teaser so someone *hey, Adinda!* would get the pun

And well, actually I'm lusting over Hoechlin for myself. No, not Hoechlin - Hoechlin. More like Derek - Hoechlin. Yes, he's the mate of a spastic ADHD sidekick but there's a side of him (Derek, I mean) that makes me want to snuggle and cuddle him and whisper to him that everything's okay, everything will be alright. I guess he just brings the protective, motherly instinct in me.

Damn It.

I hate shopping.
No, scrap that. I loathe shopping.
Each time I poke out money from my wallet to buy things,
They never go out right.
It's always the excessive amount of nothingness I received in return.
Or the repulsive expressions of the Goddamned I-Will-Punch-You-In-The-Face shopkeepers.
Do they really have the needs to lie and make the dishonest man (or woman) out of them by lying to their customers?
Really?
How THICK can you get, people?
And judging by the amount of nine inches make up on you face,
I don't think EDUCATION has the answer.
God,
I can hardly stand eejits trying to be clever.
And I'm not one easy to mock people.
I prefer to smile and let it be bygones.
But noooo~~
Of COURSE they want to make me vomit my evil words out (excuse the pun),
And be the bad guy (girl?).

That's why the only happiness I only have from giving away my money is on books or dvds.

Why in the holy love of all things sacred on this world you want to bring out the monster in me that I desperately wants to keep in darkness forever? WHY??

A Child

I never liked being regard as a child.
It makes me feel vulnerable.
But considering sometimes (most of the times) I also act like a brat,
I have no say in this.
But being manhandled like I'm some hothouse flower,
Dude,
That is just overstepping the line of "crazy".

A child is innocent.
A child is naive.
A child is pure.

I am not.

I see things differently from other people.
And sometimes the overwhelming feelings get the best of me.
In the end,
All I ever wanted was to sleep.
Sleep and never wake up.

Why I Ship Sterek

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Someone PLEASE help Derek

WHY HAS NOBODY PICKED UP ON DEREK'S EMOTIONAL DISTRESS? HE NEEDS HELP! 

Can we talk about how much I frickin' hate the way Peter is always trying to convince Derek that they are the same? They are not the same. Derek has done some bad things and he's made some terrible mistakes but he usually has the best intentions. Yes, he can't afford to see the world the way Scott does but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to. The worst part is that Derek is starting to believe Peter's words. He's starting to believe that he can't be saved and that the world would be better off without him and someone please help him.

JFC Derek how do you even get into those jeans and more importantly, how do you get out of them?

Something wonderful happens.. Derek actually uses the stairs! He doesn't jump, or slide, or anything else. He just places one foot in front of the other like it's a normal thing he does every day and there you have it fandom, actual canon proof that Derek Hale can in fact use stairs.

Knowing Derek and Ms.Blake's relationship, I really wanted Derek to have nice things but not at the expense of a female character. But if I'd never known that Ms.Blake was a darach, I'd take it back. I can't handle it anymore. I don't even care if Ms.Blake is every kind of awful cliche in the book, I just someone to care about Derek. I want someone to show Derek that his life is worth something more than a sacrifice and if I have to doom a female character to the role of a beauty that saved the beast then so help me I will do it. That's right, I am willing to sacrifice the possibility of a dynamic female character just to give Derek something good. Just someone love him, please!

Meleis.

Bila aku buka twitter aku.
Banyak benda yang aku nampak buat aku gagging.
Aku tengok tweet budak-budak remaja umur belasan tahun.
Dan apa yang aku tulis ialah;-
"God, these kids nowadays. I swear meleis (Malays) need to stop procreate.".

And I truly mean it.
As a teacher.
As a human being.

I Want It All.

I'm not going to lie.
Everyone on this Earth wants something, EVERYTHING, but few can barter with the same amount of hard work for the things they want.
We can learn with those people around us.
We can learn with the condition we're in.
We can learn by not being oblivious to what is happening nowadays.

And the thing I want will never be achieved unless I give up the thing I don't want to let go of; my freedom.

The thing is,
What I dreaded the most is accomplished by Godforsaken married people.
No, don't go that way, oh daughter of Noorliza and Wan Yahya.
Yes, I wanted a child.
But I don't want to get married.
I don't want a husband.
I can't cope living with a stranger.
They say when you got married,
You will be married with your spouse's family too.
I am no people-person.
I do not associate my future with a husband.
Yes, I am 21 nearing 22.
It is perfectly normal to think about marriage.
But I don't want marriage.

I just want a bundle of joy and unicorn and rainbow that comes in a form of a baby boy or a baby girl.
Because a child comes from his or her mother,
I can guarantee that a mother can call her child "hers" and only "hers".

In this world,
I only want two things.
To grant Mom's wish ( her Holland-trip thingy)
And having a child of my own.
But I never considered marriage.
Not now.
And possibly not ever.
So that is why,
The object of my wish (and hope) is something I cannot obtain without giving away my freedom as an unmarried person.

It's driving me insane.

I Am Going Crazy.

hey, everything will be alright, will it? Promise me.

TW Drabble (More Like I Missed Cora So Much I HAD To Make A Drabble)

I swear this is going out of hands. But Charlie Carver (Ethan) said on an interview that Danny and Ethan will have more things on going in their relationship; namely trust. So we all can hold our breaths and hope that other than Dethan, there will be a little bit (or more,much more) Sterek coming to life. I swear I will give up on Hobrien (portmanteau of Hoechlin-O'Brien), just make Sterek happens. We all know Derek has shit luck with girls anyway, given with what happened with Paige (end up dead), Kate (crazy hunter killing all his family members) and Ms.Blake (who knows she was actually a Darach?), plus with him bickering with Stiles 24/7 like an old married couple, I just really REALLY wants to see Sterek happens. Very much so.

And I missed Cora so much since Derek and her went far away from Beacon Hills. But thank GOD season 3b for Derek's return. I just wish Cora would be back too. And I missed Boyd and Erica also.
******

“Where are we going?” Derek asked.

“Doesn't matter, hand me your phone,” Stiles answered, holding one hand out.

“You shouldn't use the phone while driving,” Derek said, handing the phone over anyway.

“I’ll stop when you do,” Stiles retorted, opening Derek’s contacts and locating his sister.

Stiles dialed Cora and held the phone up to his ear. The phone rang twice before Cora answered with an irritated huff.

“What could you possibly want now, Derek?”

“Well, that’s not a nice way to greet your best bro in the whole world.”

She paused before saying, “Stiles?”

“Hey Cora!”

“Why do you have Derek’s phone? What’s going on? Are you okay? Is Sadie alright? Stiles, I swear to God I’m going to punch you if you don’t answer me right now!”

“I’m fine, Sadie’s fine, I’m in Beacon Hills with Derek so I have his phone. I made the executive decision that the pack needs you home so they stop worrying about you and can focus on keeping your niece safe.”

“Why do they have to focus on keeping- I thought you said Sadie is fine!”

“She is fine, but she’s also potentially not fine. So you need to come home, because I miss you, and Sadie misses you, and the pack misses you, and your brother misses you, even though he won’t admit it. We need you, so come home. For me.”

She sighed.

“Fine, but only because you’re pathetic, and your daughter is adorable.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re the best ever, Cora!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll see you in an hour,” she said, hanging up. Stiles passed the phone back to Derek.

“One problem solved,” Stiles said with a grin, reaching to turn on the music. Derek caught his wrist, fingers holding his hand inches from the button.

“My sister knew about Sadie. She knew, and she never told me,” Derek stated.

“Yeah, she kind of hunted me down after I left. She found me in Seattle, right after I found out about Sadie, and she made me tell her why I left. She came around every month or so, just to check on me and Sadie. I thought, I thought you knew she was seeing me.”

“No, Cora and I don’t talk a lot. She’s hardly home anymore. She requests to check in with other packs and make alliances out of town. She reports back every couple of weeks and then she’s gone.”

Stiles couldn't think of anything to say. It was his fault that Cora had stayed away from her family when she had just gotten them back. It was his fault that Derek hadn't seen his sister in weeks, and why when he called she answered like he woke her up from a dead sleep.

“One call from you and she is running home. If I called her, she’d laugh in my face and hang up. But you, you’re the exception,” Derek said. Stiles kept quiet, glancing back at a disgruntled Sadie and reached for the play button on the stereo, turning The Wonder Years back on.

Nightmare.

It was a simple dream. Just a mere conversation, but it seemed so surreal it was scary. It was the reality that I hoped to never see in the future.
****

He stuck his head around the door. His hair was rumpled and his jacket was creased. He always looked as if he had just got out of bed.

"Congratulations on becoming a mother," he came over and enveloped her in a bear hug.

She half smiled. Only Amir would say something like that. She was a mother. She hadn't thought about it like that. She had given birth to a child. She was someone's mother. Ilham's mum.

Amir held her hand. "Your sister said you called her Ilham Dhiyaul Islam."
She nodded.

"It's beautiful, Velvet. Do you have a photo?"
She handed him the two pictures she had of Ilham.

"She's perfect," he said.

"She's dead."

"Yes, she is. Come on, Vet."

"Come-on-Vet what? Buck up? Chin up? Stiff upper lip? There's nothing left. I will never have a child of my own. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. That's never going to happen now. It's over. The waiting, hoping, praying.. it's all over. I will never see a first smile, first tooth, first day of school. I'll never hear the word "Ibu" said to me. I'll never buy a small white gown or a beanie. I'll never dress my daughter in pretty clothes and tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I'll never tuck her at night and tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams. I'll never know the unconditional love that I ache to give her. I'll never be a mother and I don't know if I can handle it."

Amir didn't say anything. He just held her while the tears that had been buried deep beneath her broken, shattered heart finally surfaced.
****

One of the most dreadful nightmares I've experienced. Because I wanted her, or him. I wanted someone whom I can call mine.