Nightmare.

It was a simple dream. Just a mere conversation, but it seemed so surreal it was scary. It was the reality that I hoped to never see in the future.
****

He stuck his head around the door. His hair was rumpled and his jacket was creased. He always looked as if he had just got out of bed.

"Congratulations on becoming a mother," he came over and enveloped her in a bear hug.

She half smiled. Only Amir would say something like that. She was a mother. She hadn't thought about it like that. She had given birth to a child. She was someone's mother. Ilham's mum.

Amir held her hand. "Your sister said you called her Ilham Dhiyaul Islam."
She nodded.

"It's beautiful, Velvet. Do you have a photo?"
She handed him the two pictures she had of Ilham.

"She's perfect," he said.

"She's dead."

"Yes, she is. Come on, Vet."

"Come-on-Vet what? Buck up? Chin up? Stiff upper lip? There's nothing left. I will never have a child of my own. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. That's never going to happen now. It's over. The waiting, hoping, praying.. it's all over. I will never see a first smile, first tooth, first day of school. I'll never hear the word "Ibu" said to me. I'll never buy a small white gown or a beanie. I'll never dress my daughter in pretty clothes and tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I'll never tuck her at night and tell her I love her, to have sweet dreams. I'll never know the unconditional love that I ache to give her. I'll never be a mother and I don't know if I can handle it."

Amir didn't say anything. He just held her while the tears that had been buried deep beneath her broken, shattered heart finally surfaced.
****

One of the most dreadful nightmares I've experienced. Because I wanted her, or him. I wanted someone whom I can call mine.