Outta Hands

At three a.m. in the morning I tend to be over-dependent.

Co-dependency

I was not one to be dependent or co-dependent.
Except for one person.
When he was gone,
There were only three of us,
Me, An-chan, and Ricchan.

I wrote what I felt at that time,
While sulking for when he would come back home to us.

• There is no healthy food
• No one to keep me company
• No one to keep me from being bored
• Helps with nightmares and insomnia
• No snarky comments
• No hugs

Then the lists went crazy with An-chan and Ricchan's handwritings.

• Velvet mopes
• Vet is an asshole
• She laughs meanly
• She eats my hamburger
• Has not left the couch for two days
• Does not shower as often (It's a lie! I will call Ricchan out for his filthy, filthy lie!)
• Won't shut the hell up
• Goes shopping with your mother
• Calls Kamarul a beaver
• Watches Hannibal TV series

I wanted him to come back soon and read our crazy lists of "WHY AMIR SHOULD NEVER LEAVE"

Co-Writing

There was the daughter of a certain Wan Yahya.
The girl who had been working on a Teaching Degree co-wrote a romance series with Kamarul instead.

"It's porn. Filthy porn." Amir said flatly.

"I prefer calling it tasteful erotica," Velvet sniffed back.

"Or what we could call them what they are. Romance novels." Kamarul argued.

"You call what you two write romance?" Irfan asked curiously.

"It's a love story with character development sex. What else would it be?" Kamarul asked.
"Porn is porn."

"This fascinating," Irfan said. "No wonder you and Vet get along so well."

Kamarul continued to stare at him blankly; Velvet crowed in victory.

"I think there's people in this room who are dysfunctional and I am not one of them." Velvet informed the room. "For once."

Amir snorted at her expense.

"I might as well join the crazy." Velvet drawled, proof-reading what she and Kamarul wrote.

"Our real names can't be attached to this," Kamarul says in horror five minutes after re-reading their works. "Our parents will die from the shame of knowing their children are kinky shits."

"Us?" Velvet says, her tone matching his. "They'll kill Amir and Ricchan for corrupting our minds! Our dads have guns, An-chan! They know how to use them and use them well!"

The two co-writers groaned in agony as Amir and Irfan's laughs cackled from the room.

All is well in the household.
-24th of May, 2014-

Broken Arrow

This time she's gonna wear an iron suit
This time she's gonna fix her heart and make it bullet proof
She says never ever bite more than you can chew
She says just because you say it's true, it don't mean it is
She says it's harder to smell the roses when the sun don't shine
She says better to have and not need, than to need and not have
No matter what the cause it's better to have loved and lost

Have you ever met a girl who never loved at all?

Every break,
Every burn,
Every toss,
Every turn,
Every sin,
Everything you've learned it's all programmed,
When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow,
It's so hard to keep yourself on the straight and narrow,
You fall off course,
When you hit the ground,
It's hard to get to heaven when you're born hell bound.

Choose

He has seen his entire world fall apart right before his eyes these last few months, 
And now he has seen it turn into ashes,
Slipping through his fingers.

It is nothing like Derek imagined.
He thought it's going to be dramatic,
Not that peaceful.

Stiles not even fighting for a moment,
Just letting go.

But it still rips everything out of him.

Losing a pack member is like losing a limp,
It hurts a lot,
It costs you a lot of blood,
And sometimes you feel like you can still feel it right there,
Because it hurts so much.
But you can cope,
You can adapt to the situation and keep going.

But losing Stiles is completely different.
Losing your mate is like losing your heart
Your soul,
Everything that makes you you.
Without a heart,
He's just going to be an empty vessel.

Derek doesn't wish for another heart,
Because there isn't one.
He only got one.

And now it's gone.

How is someone supposed to live without a heart,
Without a spark of life?
Derek doesn't know.

Because he's gone.

"I love you, you're my mate."

"I know."

Simple Dishes Needed To Be Done During Semester Break!

It's been a week since I craved for cherry tomatoes.
And there is only one paper left; TSL3019.
My mind is hovering for simple dishes needed to be done during holidays.
Books to be read.

1.Caesar garden salad (usually I use 1000 Island Mayonnaise as dressing, but trying olive oils now)

2. Paninis!

Chicken ham panini

Banana Nutella panini

3. Grilled cheese and tomato soup

The baking was hard to be completed since our oven broke like, a 1000 years ago.

So I haven't had many chances to do some cakes.

And books.

So hard searching for "The Fault In Our Stars" and not entirely at wit's end yet.

But probably would take time.

Oh holiday,

Please come soon.

Mates

"To win a war, you have to start one" - The Normal Heart

15th May, 2014.

I was packed with schedule because of Abang Long and Abang Cik's wedding reception.
It was on pure luck on our part that I was able to meet my mates.
This is pure luck.
Usually we can no longer meet in groups because of our different holidays.
Amir was there.
An-chan was there.
Ricchan was there.
I was there.

Meeting them makes me remembered our conversations in group WhatsApp.

An: I am really confused by how Vet and Amir works. We all know she's blunt and Amir's words pierce people's hearts like a knife.

Ricchan: You mean half of what Velvet says is bullshit and Amir doesn't like talking.

Me: In my defense, I was being honest.

Amir: In my defense, I was being realistic.

Ricchan: If Amir really does actually listen what you say, you'd both would be dead by now. Or trying to violently murder each other all the times.

An: Point for Irfan!

Amir: I blame Vet.

Me: Traitor! Mutineer! Fiend! 

-------------------  
I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Please 23rd of May come fast, so this whole pack could be a family again.

Post- Graduation Bucket List

One year left before I have my teaching degree.
One year left and I will have adulthood stuck in my life.
It is easier to pretend I am still that 6-year old kid,
Who is always fascinated by things surrounding her,
Whether in amusement or bemusement. 

So here goes,
Post-Graduation Bucket List!

1. Get a Master and PhD
2. Backpacking around the world
3. Create personal library
4. Collect all kinds of books from every country
5. Skydiving
6. Live in a lighthouse (probably not possible, but worth a try)
7. See Trevi Fountain
8. Learn at least one musical instrument
9. Bungee-jumping
10. ........

One day number 10 will be added.
The rare posts where it's not about depression or angst,
Loss or vulnerability,
Hatred or regrets,
Simply innocence.

Nothing

I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet. 

"And my mates are all there trying to calm me down 
 'Cause I'm shouting your name all over town 
 I'm swearing if I go there now 
 I can change his mind
 Turn it all around 
 And I know I'm drunk but I'll say the words 
 And he'll listen this time even though it's slurred 
 So I dialed his number and confessed to him 
 I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing"  

They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense. 

Lying perfectly still 
How many times have I lost it? 
Another blink and I am nowhere else 
One important existence brought me back to reality 
He said it will be alright 
He said it will go away 
The nightmares are just in my head 
And he will be waiting at the shore 
For me to come back to my senses 

"Come back to me Velvet, for I came back for you." 

I see he extends his hands 
And I see three more pair of hands 
I thought I'd lost them to adulthood 
My mates coming back to where we started. 

I came back home. 
Even when I lost time 
I will still come back home.

I'm broken,
But I will heal myself.
Just don't do anything.
Please.
This is my war.
My battle.
I don't need anyone to assist in this fight.

I can manage it alone.
Just don't do anything.
Don't say anything.
I will seek your help if I need it.
If I don't,
It means whether I don't trust you enough,
Or I'm still unstable.

Just,
Don't do anything.

Glad I Came Home

"You remember that quotes that you love so much,
you keep repeating it days and days until Irfan and I lost our minds?"

Yeah,
You both were mad because even you could remember it.

"Why do you keep repeating stuffs?"

Out of sheer habit,
You know that.

"And that book you love so much?"

So?

"You always do things even people told you not to.
Why change now?"

I don't.
I'm not.

"Why do you think you're going crazy?"

You know why.

"I don't like you repeating the bad memories again.
I thought you are doing okay by now."

I am.
I'm half-way there.
Don't psychoanalyze me.
I didn't come home for you to be my psychologist.
Hold your horses buddy,
You are an engineer.

"I'm also your guardian,
Your confidant,
Your mate,
Your FRIEND.
I'm practically-"

A mother hen.

"Screw you."

Jokes aside,
I'm going crazy,
Aren't I?

"You underestimate yourself for what people gave you credit for."

That still doesn't answer whether I am going insane or not.

"If you have psychological disabilities,
No worries,
I'm the one to tell you."

And you will be the one sending me to asylum.

"We can run away,
Like vigilantes."

Then we will live in a lighthouse,
Like that book.

"Your favorite book."

Yeah,
And a baby will wash ashore,
And we can adopt it.

"No,
I'm not turning into a criminal.
That's downright crazy."

We live in crazy world.

"I guess I'll just send you to a crazy hospital,
Too much hassle of hiding an insane girl."

You spend too much time with those practical juniors,
You're not making any sense.

"I spend time with you,
For 22 years."

Thanks.

"No problem, Vet."
 -13 May, 2014.-

I don't feel crazy when I'm with you.

"You're YOU when you are with me."

I know what I am. 
I just don't know who I am.

What kind of crazy are you?

One Little Girl, Two Different Reflections

When that little girl step out of her room,
Her smiles brighten.
Her speeches widen.
She waltzes like there are no worries.
There are no problems.
There are no miseries.

She laughs.
She talks.
She socialize.

When that little girl step inside her room,
Her mind closes.
Her shoulders slumped.
Her tears formed.

She writes.
She cries.
She sleeps.

Who would have thought,
That happy little girl,
Muffled her screams every single nights,
Nightmares creeping in her sleeps,
She lies profusely,
She runs from labile bonds,
Practically from everything.

She lead people into thinking they know her,
When no one does.

She stare at her own reflection.
There are two little girls with different expression.
One is full of elation.
The other is a shadow of depression.

Smile.
And lie to others.
So they think everything is okay.
Everything is okay.

One day that reflection will be the death of that little girl.

Nightmare

I still have that nightmare.
Why is it always the same nightmare?

If I was about to lose him,
I won't survive.

I know I won't.
Because no one knows me like he does.
And if he leaves,
Then what left of me is just a shell.

The only thing I remember,
Is clutching to that brown teddy bear,
To Kent,
As I convulsed,
Hyperventilated,
Choked on my own sobs,
Until Ricchan comes and order me to breathe.

I won't survive.
I'm happy with all the helps I have here.
But without him,
I don't really know how to face this.
It's like I am drowning,
People around me screaming,
Holding out their hands to grab me,
But even when I am saved,
I still shivers from the shock,
From the trauma,
From the fear.

I want Kent and Velvet.

Both the human and teddy bear versions.

I lied when I say I am fine.

I lied.

I Accept For The Things That Happened

I usually writes in vague description,
What happens everyday becomes something of a blurry lines,
And I focus on other things.

But yesterday was an exception.

And I accept for the things I've done.
The mishap that happened.
The fault that I did.

I never thought a simple act of handing the class attendance to our tutor,
Would lead me to my demise.

It was Dad's car.
And when Daddy called,
He didn't sound mad,
Nor did he gave a speech for my clumsiness.
He only asked for elaborations for what had happened.

And during prayers,
I thought about this test deeply.
It crawled back to what I craved the most.
Yep.
Money.

And I accept.
Because I have people around me.
I have Amir.
Amir took my mind off it for a couple while.
I am still affronted by how he always know how to soothe my worries.
I have Zafik.
Who always remarks sarcasm,
And one day will make me wanted to choke him to death,
But loved to annoy anyway.
I have Saba.
And the people who helps me,
It opens up my eyes,
That I was not alone after all.

And mostly,
Though I am down by this incident,
I am not mad,
Nor too depressed about it.

But as I recalled,
I was just sleeping at 5 a.m.,
After downloading The Script and Daughtry's songs,
And THIS happened.

Some bad things has to happened,
To show what good things you have.
I thank God,
And I am sorry,
For neglecting my position as His slave.

Although I accept for what happens,

It still baffles me how did I become such a positive person in this situation?

Usually I am that depressed, gloomy, brooding person who chase people away *laughs*

Reasons

 "So you have a boyfriend. 
Care to explain why didn't you tell me?" 

........... 

" Irfan knows?" 

Yes. 

"Fadhlan?" 

Yes. 

"Kamarul?" 

Nope. You know he has too many girlfriends to keep tabs on me, anyway.

"Right. And I am last to know because?" 

Because you'd be mad. 

"I am. For various reasons." 

They know because I knew they won't try to do anything about it. 
They won't try to talk me out of this. 
They won't psychoanalyze me. 
You're my best friend, 
Not my psychiatrist. 
I need you to be my ally, 
Not my doctor.
I didn't tell you because what you think counts.
Because I don't want you to hate me for it. 
I know you think I am still unstable because of the past, 
But give me this.
I will try to be better. 

"I am trying to protect you." 

You can't protect me every time, 
You know. 

"This is a tryout. 
Just a tryout." 

Fine.

Don't Let Anyone In

I feel like I've dragged you into my world.

Where everything is broken,

Twisted,

Crazed,

Left is right,

Right is left,

And there is a crying child at the corner.

You spend a lot of time building walls,

It is natural to want to see if someone is clever enough to climb over them.

It's nice when someone sees us.

Or has the ability to see us.

He's nothing like me.

We see the world in different ways,

Yet he can assume my point of view.

I sleepwalk,

I get headaches,

I am hearing things...

I feel unstable.

"She's broken, this one."

They said I was broken.

"Yes, you are. You broke when he left. You loved him and he was stolen from you. When something tragic happens, the people closest are affected. Sometimes, the soul can crack and splinter when it experience loss. You already had cracks from the past. I think you are more than familiar with this idea."

He would hate all of this. But he'd hate me especially, he'd hate that I've cowered to you all these times. And I don't want him to hate me. I can't have him to hate me.

Mask

Appearance can be deceiving.
Words can be lies.

You won't like me when I am "Me".

Return to me what others stole.
You are like a half-tamed creature.
Still shy of the bridle.

"Except you enthrall me,
Never shall be free."

But freedom is an illusion, 
Anyway.

I almost gave my life long ago for a thing,
That has gone to dust now,
Stinging my eyes,
It is strange how often a heart must be broken,
Before the years can make it wise.

an alleviation.