It Gets Worse

The times will heal the wounds,
But it left scars.
Ugly,
Obnoxious,
Big,
Black scars.

Scars that sometimes will never fade away,
And it worms into your heart,
Like maggots,
Deciding what to do,
Where to occupy,
When will the host will finally succumb,
And claimed by darkness.

I spent so many times,
Being angry and bitter,
Hating those who wounded me,
That over time,
I became tired and exhausted,
That I decided to let go.

It's not "I forgive you" kind of let go,
It's the "I don't care anymore" kind of let go,
I wanted to embrace the former,
But something within me wouldn't let me.
Ego?
Or was it obstinacy?

I don't really know anymore.

Being angry is really tiring.
And I'm tired of lying,
Faking,
Smiling,
Everything.

There's A Special Place In Hell For People Like This.

Yea, I'm not a good person. But I'd make a bad example. Not totally useless, right?

Of Disorders

There are only too much the body and the mind could take.

I'm still thinking about it.
What would happen when my mind and my body gives out.
Would I become violent,
And be put in straitjacket?
Or would I be admitted to where they say a place better for me?

Every thought is a battle. 
Every breath is a war.
And I don't think I'm winning anymore.

I'm still keeping tracks of the muddy steps that I've erased.
I am not my illness.
My illness is a part of me.
Except you cannot outrun insanity,
Anymore than you can outrun your own shadow.

I'm not crazy,
I'm stark raving sane.
I don't want this anymore.
I'm 22 and I'm already exhausted.

It was almost like a reverse nightmare,
Like when you wake up from a nightmare and you felt so relieved,
I woke up into a nightmare.

Incapability Of Doing Something EVERYONE Could.

My biggest mistake,
And my utter weakness,
Is incapable of telling the truth.

I say I love someone when I don't know my own feelings.
I say I am fine when the tests showed I am not.
I refused medical helps because I lied to myself everything is peachy.

I want to be normal.

I want to be like most girls,
They are boring but they are happy,
They can blend in because society thinks its their nature,
Whether gossiping, 
Obsessing about handsome actors,
Falling in love with the same guy even after many years,
Repeating the same routine,
Typical girls.

"You are not the same because you are unique."

I don't want to be unique if it costs me my mental health,
Maybe I don't want those poorly structured traits of girls,
But at least spare me my sanity.

And sometimes,
Most of the times,
I think I am incapable of loving someone.
I think deeply,
Probably because of the damned past,
But then,
I cannot blame the universe,
Because the universe were trying to teach me something.
I blame everything,
Everyone,
When the core of the problem lies within me.

Within my mind.

They say it is not because I am incapable of being in love,
It is just I haven't found the person I could fell utterly,
Hopelessly in love yet.
But somehow,
I feel like I rein my mind in from opening up,
Because apparently trusting people is not a good thing in my mind.

I tell myself day and night,
It doesn't matter,
It will come one day.
One day.
But even if it did,
How many seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years,
Would it stand?
What if my very existence,
Was so that I could hurt people?

I destroy everything within 10 meter radius.

Like Maggots

"The eyes are useless when the mind is blind."

What you allow,
Is what will continue.

Why?
Because some people are just terrible human beings.
And terrible people do terrible things.
Just because.
*****

I went for a mental illness tests.
The results were,
Quite a few.
What I know I already have is introvert personality type.
That doesn't quite bother me.

What does bother me,
Is that I am a sociopath,
Suffering from depression,
Having bipolar disorder,
Antisocial Personality Disorder,
and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

But hey,
At least I'm not a violent murderous psychopath.
Amir would be so proud of me.
Now I know why I understand his way of thinking.
Two sociopaths,
But one of them is in denial.
He is just a high-functional one.

Jeez,
This turns out such a great welcoming greatness in advance.

"You know what you did."
But I didn't remember it.

You wander around in people's mind,
But your own becomes vulnerable as they could come into yours too.

At a time when other people fear their isolation,
Yours has become understandable to you.

"You are alone because you are unique."
I'm as alone as you are.

I know who I am.
I am who I've always been.
The scales have just fallen from my eyes.

You have  no traceable motive,
Which is why you were so hard to see.
You were just curious what I would do.
Someone like me.

Someone who thinks how I think.
Wind her up,
And watch her go.

The Broken Radio Is Playing Suicide

"I seriously don't know how do you manage to keep your GPA normal when all you ever do is write or read fanfictions."

Pshaw,
Please.
I am awesome.

Stupidity aside,
There are many things roaming around in my obnoxiously-running-wild brain.

Masochism and narcissism doesn't go hand in hand.
But being homicidal and both suicidal is a blasphemy?
BUT HOW?