I Need Help.

Today was exhausting.
Not just because we have BMK, Phonology and Literature's class.
It's also because of Zaki.

Can I just run him down with my car?
Now that I have a vehicle,
the urge to kill someone was greater.

I know he's only being facetious (also tedious) and only tries to tease me.
But his teasing is going overboard.

I think I need to be prepared to call the police.

He. Is. So. Goddamn. Annoying.

Well, thank God Abah has silat skills.
Maybe I just should tell Abah about this and with Abah's sense of fatherly-protection,
He can put some SENSE into Zaki's mind.
I am my father's daughter after all.

Putting Zaki's nonsensical whims aside,
I am being super crazy lately.
Not that I haven't been any crazier.

Part of me desperately needs to be free.
From agonies.
From tears.
From wounds.
From being hurt.

That's why lately I keep on going out with them.
If I stay in my room (or in this Godforsaken rundown IPG),
I might broke out and weep.
I feel pathetic.
I feel weak.
I feel stupid.
I feel................like I shouldn't exist in the first place.

I need help.
Professional help.
Mental support.
I need Allah SWT.
But I still can't help feeling dejected.
It's awful.
It's sad.
It's me.

I want to talk to him.
But I'm tired of our talk.
Because even if it ends okay,
some way or another problems keep butting in.
And the woeful story starts again.

It's tiring.
I can't keep dragging Saba to be our medium.
Saba also have her own problems.
And I'm tired being the one to initiates everything.
Like Dila said, "he's an idiot."
Well thank you.
I feel the same way.
But the thing is,
I'M THE BIGGER IDIOT HERE.