Why is this so hard.
Why am I making this hard for myself.

I don't wanna let go.

New Crush(es)

The slot I was trying to emphasize during our meeting for WAJ,
Turned out to be (one of) the biggest mistake of my life.
Well,
That or the time when I thought it would do me good by impulsively cutting off my hair,
And makes me look like Einstein.
Without the genius part.

How would I know when I suggested the whole "Poisonous box" thing,
It also would make me the leader by default?
Or to put the blame on the guys,
They are just lazy-asses runt of the group.

And I really, really have the Hulk-sized urge to stab Zuly and Solah without abandon.

Works aside,
I have been committing my most weekend,
Actually since Sunday till this day,
Binge-watching "Orange Is The New Black" and "The Big Bang Theory".

And from those series,
I have developed some kind of crush,
Towards Correctional Behavior Officer John Bennett,
And Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

I'd have to admit, this guy is face-worthy only. But if he runs the prison, I'd be a felon right now.

Well this, this is gem.

So to say,

I will be spending my weekend on my chair (or bed, that depends),

Running away from reality.

Who knows who my new target is when I start with Dr. Who.

Har de har har.

Like Crazy Review.

There are reasons why single people should never watch romance movies.
And that is why I am binge-watching the series Gayko (nickname Jowy gave him),
Okay,
I'll stick with "Eko" then,
- gave me.

At first I was engrossed with "Orange Is The New Black".
I might even have had a girl crush towards Alex Vause during the first season.
And correctional officer John Bennett.
I can't help it okay,
He is cute.

But then,
I just popped up "Like Crazy" and watch it (while analyzing it).

At first,
This is just some normal couple who are just starting to know each other,
And is in honeymoon phase.
The main obstacle here,
At first I thought was the long-distance relationship.

But then it spiraled into some more.
Long-distance relationships can be work out,
With strong wills on both sides.
What disappoints me,
Is that the girl who seems like a smart person,
Falls in love naive and stupidly,
While the guy only seems like a temporary summer fling,
Does not have the ability to uproot his life to be with her,
Or even do anything other than the visa thingy,
Which takes up a large amount of time and money.

Then,
When they are not together,
This thing they agreed to be with other people,
Maybe because of loneliness when being apart from each other.
But that doesn't mean they could pick someone else up just to fill the emptiness.
Because there are other hearts involved in the story,
Not just theirs.
But from the audience's view,
I see that Jennifer Lawrence (or Sam) knew about Anna,
And she should be prepared for the worst,
For who will Jacob choose in the end.

This story is a relatable love story,
For many of us normal people experience in life.
But to sacrifice the life you have,
To rotate the feelings you had during the puppy-love stage of relationship,
Is it worth it?
Because in life,
Nothing is sure.

I mean,
What if Simon was The One for Anna?
And Sam was it for Jacob?
Okay this I can relate.
Because for me,
Even if I want him back ( I so want him back),
Will we able to replay all the good memories we had before?
Because let's accept it,
I will NEVER turn back to who I was before,
So little by little,
Even if it sometimes seems impossible,
We have to move on...
He and I will never return to the people we was when we were together.

I knew this but I couldn't accept it.

But this pair of lovebirds,
They know what they want.
They just doesn't know HOW to get it.

There are many possibilities in life,
There are always options,
We just have to choose.

And frankly,
Even though I don't really like the end,
But it is the real life,
And no fairy tale.

How far would you go for someone you love?

And how sure are you that the feelings can remain the same throughout time?

Everything

If I talk about everything that has happened in this week,
I'd go crazy.
Because there are some things that aren't related at all,
But I need to let it out my system anyways.

But here's one thing,
In just one week,
God is showing me how to live without anyone.
Like literally.

I don't remember how,
But from the first day since school weekend,
I got into a nasty cold war with the girls AND Amir.
We never badmouth each other,
Just stops talking altogether.
Well,
The thing with the girls has passed anyway.
And that is thanks for Saba for telling me why do they feel intimidated by me.
Which is fairly weird and hilariously amusing,
Since in the group,
I am the least intimidating,
And the one who seems to be the most least vengeful and fierce.

But Amir,
Well it is weird how I can cope with him,
Since his honest-to-God-I-will-slice-your-heart mouthy brat never fails to make other people hurts,
And I just shrug it off.
Being 18 years dancing around each other do that to you.
But I don't know why the thing he said a few weeks ago,
Pierced my heart.
I don't like it at all.
But I missed the guy.
I missed talking to him.
And when I told Ricchan about it,
He just says it is time for us to be independent from each other.

So now I'm binge-watching English series to run away from reality.
Which makes sense why there are a lot of things going on in my head lately.

And boys problem.
I don't need anymore problem than I already have, please.
I remember distinctly telling Amir about those three guys proposing me last few weeks.
Of which two of them are (were) my acquaintances.
I know it is not easy for guys to step up and asking my hand in marriage,
But for some reason I still have that question in mind,
"WHY ME?"
Just please,
Please forget about me.
I am not emotionally and psychologically available,
Thank you.

And just last night I blurted out to Said to delete her pics of HIM or just tell him to come propose me next two years. I didn't know why I said that. Dammit.

Trailers.

The IPG is doing fogging again and there aren't even no warning,
Or notification of all that.

And I was lost browsing movie trailers.

First it was the normal ones,
The usual horror movies,
But then I came across a trailer that intrigued my heart.
Called "A Royal Affair".
Henceforth,
I watched it half-amused,
And something strikes my heart.

Mads Mikkelsen starred in "A Royal Affair",
And literally,
Had an affair with the queen.
There goes my imaginary boyfriend.

Why, Hanny, why did you break my heart??? (But then, my obsession with a sociopathic, cannibalistic, smart, composed serial killer isn't healthy either.)

And well,

A pop-up ads came straight to my face and I can't help itching to know,

What happens in Hunger Games: The Mockingjay part 1.

It is nothing unusual,

Except for the part where I saw my Disney princess lurking at the corner of the Youtube vids.

So I clicked on the "Crush" offical trailer,

And OH MY GOD,

Baby girl,

ALLISON PLEASE...

Don't be that psychopathic stalker.

You're an ARGENT dammit!

Get a grip!

And hearing upon the name "Scott" in the trailer,

I groan with frustration.

And it literally breaks my heart watching my baby girl alive,

And yeah,

I'm creating a crossover between TW and this pathetic movie Crystal Reed happens to star in.

But oh well,

I've seen Tyler Posey being overly stupid in Scary Movie 5 (not that he was also a potato in TW),

What's the harm,right?

 

Baby girl, please don't. And OH MY GOD, ANOTHER SCOTT??!!

Okay,

Last trailer.

Emily Browning's "Summer In February".

Which basically another version of "Pride and Prejudice",

And hello Dominic Cooper.

Yes I know he's Tony Stark's dad,

Which means he's Steve's father-in-law,

And also Abe Lincoln's vampire bff.

But he's Dominic Cooper!
One of few that caught my eyes!
Mkay bye.

Something Resembling A Review of "Friends and Family".

So yeah,
I've been re-watching the 2003's movie where they still wear big, black cellphone.

Not that I didn't notice this before,
But Stephen and Danny's on-screen chemistry were kinda...
Surreptitiously good and bad at the same time.

There was a time you could see the way they interact,
They are like an old married couple that knows each other's flaws.
That kind of married couple for more than 10 years,
And can initiate silent conversations using only face expressions and body language,
Instead of words.

And some other time,
They only look like a pair of friends that co-habit because it is hard living by yourself.

Except when I squint my eyes and see small gestures they made towards each other,
Like Stephen stealing Danny's food during brunch,
Or them trying to organize the event for Stephen's Dad.

The big gestures are made when Danny called Stephen "honey",
Danny knowing Stephen is an "autumn" and he is "spring" (What does that even mean?),
And the last romantic gesture about what Bruno said.

"In ancient Persia, when an artist creates something,
He would include a flaw on purpose.
Because it is only the Gods are supposed to be perfect.
So he creates something that otherwise would be perfect,
And added some flaws,
As if to say "not to offend the Gods" 
- Bruno

Yeah, 
The part where Stephen traced a small part of frosting on Danny's nose and said,
"As to not offend the Gods",
And Danny reciprocated with ruining Stephen's hair and said the same words.
THAT, WAS THE BIGGEST GESTURE.

Well,
Other than that,
I was baffled whether the movie was trying not to make them look like ordinary run-of-the-mills couple,
By insinuating the mafia theme,
And Stephen being awesomely bulky and manly and oh,
Did I mention about them being ex-Army Rangers and then the head bodyguards of the mafia family?

Yeah,
That kinda cliche.

I understand about this movie trying to run away from the stereotyping part,
But then it was made too un-stereotype and ruined the motives.
Richard and Bruno was the thing that saved this movie.

And I liked the insight where Vito and Frankie,
Despite being the children of a mafia's boss,
Have their own route of being a pastry chef and a tailor,
Much to Don Patrizzi's demise.

Oh yeah,
Don't think I haven't realize the way Frankie looked at Vito at the end of the movie.
It wasn't a way some actor look at their fellow colleague,
It was a way someone who is crushing on someone else,
And have trouble keeping it down.

This radar of mine is nothing but trouble. 

Somehow I'd like to think if Stephen had a child, and his child had a child, it would be Derek.

Reasons Why I, Wan Nur Farhana Would Be A Bad Life Partner/ Lover / Spouse.

Look at this girl, she seems normal, right?

Well, guess again.

1. Can barely even remember to feed myself (out of short-memory loss or just plain laziness), let alone other people.

2. Too weird to function as a normal homo sapien.

3. May be a little bit too independent than normal women.

4. Philophobia, Gametophobia, Hypegiaphobia, Haphephobia, Antropophobia.

5. From number 4, which is easily called as phobia of commitment, falling in love, responsibility, being touched, human.

6. Will drag people into my web of darkness (in other words, COME TO THE DARK SIDE!! <--- In Darth Vader's voice)

7. Irregular habit of sleeping.

8. Pretty nocturnal when it comes to cleaning or any kind of house chores.

9. Very sloppy, shabby, and messy. Even for a teacher.

10. Non-existent fashion sense.

11. Negativity.

12. Isolative? Isolated? Loner.

13. Easily influenced by characters from series or books. (Okay, maybe just Will Graham from Hannibal. I can't help it, he insinuated himself into my head.)

14. Poor impulse control on mouth - to brain filter. 

15. Unhealthy over-dependent relationships with yaoi/ yuri mangas and animes. That crazy fangirl. Yeah.

16. Bipolar. Duh.

17. Depression. Again, duh.

18. Compulsive driver who might be a little impatient on the road.

So, yeah. 

What Movies Taught Me, Subpart 1

When he proposed to me,
I wanted to say,
"You're my friend!"

The same thing I said to Ricchan a couple years ago.
Instead,
I quoted the Mother's words from "How I Met Your Mother".
Well,
Not straightforwardly.
But I paraphrased it.

"I was in love with someone a long time ago,
And because of circumstances,
We had to let go of each other.
And after that,
I can't really say I will experience the same feeling anymore.
I'm sorry,
But we can still be friends if you want to."

There are many catalysts other than what I said,
But I didn't lie.
In fact,
It was the main reason why I am who I am today.

I really hate it when people say,

"Lucky you! Always have some guys wanting you to be their girlfriend!"

Because they doesn't know the ache of not having the only person you want the most.

S04E12 - Smoke and Mirrors

Basically what happened.

I can't help myself. I'm sorry. Not.

Mama And Papa, Combine!!!

I saw these gifset and I couldn't help myself.

Liam pulls out the crescent he found from the burned Hale house,
silently cursing his older brother, Isaac for leaving him behind with their parents.
Derek and Stiles are making eye-communication thingy that parents always do when their son did something bad.
And Liam as hell will not let this down with Isaac.

What do we do? Stiles squints his eyes at Derek.
Why are you asking me? He's YOUR son! Derek glares back at the teen.

Why is he my son when he's making mischief? He is YOUR Beta! Stiles snapped back silently at the Alpha.

Well, you're his favorite. Talk to him! Derek scowled at Stiles unfazed expression.

Stiles sighs internally, and puts his hand on Liam's head. He takes back the script from the pup's hand and smiles briefly so Liam would not feel so down with what happened.

"It's okay, pup. We're not mad."

Binge Listening

I'm binge-listening to depressed music.
Even when someone(s) warned me;
"NO MORE SAD SONGS!"

Pfft...

Well,
Right now I'm addicted to;
Maroon 5's - Sad, Better That We Break, Beautiful Goodbye, Just A Feeling
5S0S' - Amnesia
The Script's - Exit Wound

Especially "Amnesia".

"Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
Cause I'm not fine at all

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away"

I always listen to hard rock music when I am mad,

But when it is about memories,..well.

Distant

"AB blood type of person can be aloof, critical, indecisive and unforgiving."

I don't know about unforgiving,
But aloof and indecisive are definitely one of my traits.
And another critically fatal trait of mine;
Distant.

Some people are being distant because they want to see who is paying attention,
And who stays when others left.

Me,
I just don't like being too attached.
Except when I interact with them face to face on daily basis,
I can be myself around them,
We have something in common,
Or family.

I interact with the girls on daily basis,
I can be crazy with them,
And sometimes we have things in common.

The boys,
They know me since I wear diapers,
Since I have snots in my nose,
And have seen me at my worst.

And I have the most common interests with my sister and Jowy.
We talk about what we like,
Our conversations synchronizes,
And I have no qualms about conversing intellectually,
Or even about random things.

We just...
Bonded.

Other people,
Who hasn't seen any side of me,
More like acquaintances,
Or people who are just starting to get to know me,
I will be distant towards them.

Okay,
First it will all be friendly conversations,
All unicorns and rainbows.

I will be fine as long as they keep their friendliness at an arm's reach.
When they start contacting every frickin' single day,
And sometimes at wrong times,
I started throwing tantrums (silently),
Roll eyes at everything,
And babble by myself.

For example;
"OH MY GOD, IT'S NEARING 1 AM. DON'T YOU NEED TO SLEEP?!"
Or,
"IT'S 10 AM IN THE MORNING. DON'T YOU HAVE A LIFE?!"

But I am too much of a coward to say that to their faces,
So I just grit my teeth and pretend I didn't see it. 

So,
Here it is.
I am easily bored.
By humans who,
1) I cannot converse intellectually
2)Don't have common interest
3)Do not interact face to face on daily basis
4)Cannot be my crazy, manic, sociopathic self.

And no,
I am not one of them girls who liked to be contacted 24/7.
Because at the end of the day,
I would just insult you internally.
Even my own beau.

Why?
Because I have a life,
Goddammit!!

I am not going to say sorry for being me.

The YoDaBest List

Oh my God,
What is that name,
YoDaBest List?
It sounds like Yoda trying to be hipster.

OOYL; Only Once, You Live. - Yoda

Jowy and I need new names for our bucket list.
This one sounds waay better in my head.

I've made the list a few months ago in my last posts,
And frankly,
The things I want and the things I want to do,
Are still there.

I don't have add-ons,
For now.

I'm just so eager to step into working life,
To have things I don't as a student,
Just that I can draw a path that is mine,
And only mine.

I want to have my own house,
So I can decorate it the way I want,
To put furniture at random corners,
And lots of book shelves.

I just read a fic where Stiles and Derek just like,
Made a decision to go for a ride,
Because Stiles can't go to sleep,
And during the trip,
They made an abrupt decision of going to Vegas and getting married.

I love the part where sometimes,
We want to do something,
And just get the hell on with it.
Not thinking about anything else,
Or even the consequences.

Because it is better to be able to say,
"I've done it"
Rather than
"I wish I did it".

But living like this,
At this moment,
It doesn't so bad,
Apart from the assignments and practical.

This is one of my favorite gifs,

Just because I can.

"HER".

After crying silently watching Miracle Cell Number 7,
I was like,
"Shit I need Dad."

And to put a layer of sadness because of the damn sappy movie,
I put another layer of sadness,
By watching "Her".

Yeah,
It is better to watch sad romantic movies rather than watching sad family-related movies.

I am greatfully thankful to Jowy for introducing "Her" to me.
His idea of great movies are not measured by their new releases,
Or how popular it is on cinemas.

Like the movies "Like Crazy",
"The Skin I Live In"..

I don't think of how they are perceived by normal people.
But sometimes the way he sees the movie could enrapture people,
Send them into thinking mode,
I love that.

We don't just watch movies for fun sometimes,
And most of the times,
I caught myself thinking about it.

When watching "Her",
I was vaguely and obsessively making assumptions that Samantha was Emma Stone.
Oh boy,
How wrong was I.
But seriously,
Had I not known Samantha was voiced by Scarlett Johansson,
I would seriously imagine it was Emma Stone behind it. 

How crazy love is,
That it can be fluffy as warm blanket,
And cold like a blizzard as well.
It cannot be perfect,
How many times you want it.
Even when you're dating an AI.

One sentence Theodore that jolted me awake;
"I keep waiting to not care about her."
The thing I thought I have already did,
And I keep coming back for more.

I wonder after watching Theodore says all those things and more,
It makes me feel like I am watching who I am in someone else.

"I think I hid myself from her,
And left her alone in the relationship."

"I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it,.."

Saba used to say that I started learning to be a hypocrite after Him,
Making me feel inferior to other people in general.

I start locking away when they come nearer,
And when they take a step forward,
I take two steps back,
Leaving them confused,
Hurt.

It is easier to find me in friendships,
In light relationships,
But that is as far as I can go.

Because I am still scared.

It's like I'm reading a book, and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I love you so much, but this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book anymore. - Samantha

Two wavering hands as fierce as wolves,
And a heart that refuses to stray.

It thought her foolish,
Thought her weak,
And it feared that soon enough it's fidelity would fail.

The boy with the unflinching heart he trusted most of all, 
And trusting,
Fell in love.

Hearing the words doesn't make the situation easier.