I've been doing nothing but to start anew since holiday.
By rounding up.
Literally.
Abah said I look exactly like a golf ball.
And that's okay because it's the holiday and it gives me free passage to eat my feelings out.
And gain pounds.

But still,
It wasn't enough.
For I am still holding the bitterness of my old one.
This crazy sounds in my head keeps telling me every single day,
"He's the reason you won't be able to fall in love again"
And driving me to the edge,
Eating, eating, eating....

So help me for I can never slap myself hard enough to get back on the ground.

At 3 am
woke up to make myself a sandwich
and found something really, really weird

Mom,Dad n Mia sleeps in front of tv
And I was like
"ARE YOU HOMELESS TSUNAMI VICTIMS??
YOU GOT YOUR OWN BEDROOM AND SLEEPS IN FRONT OF TV??"

Mr.Brain: you talks as if you got crazy family. And like normal people wakes up at 3 AM to make sandwiches.

Soldiers in Love

T'was the night when little Ana hath not been in bed
For she scorned and be perversed and say thee nay
"A little game would hath not been wounded by me"

I talked old English a lot lately.
Blame it on the movie "Private Romeo".

For those who does enjoy Broadway musicals,
Shakespearean stories with old English,
The young handsome noblemen of Verona,
Well,..
I present to thee a gallant beautiful touching story of young Romeo and Juliet,
with a little bit of gay twist.

Aha!
Whenever we speak of "gay-themed movie",
the cliches of "bullying" and "teen-suicides" cannot be parted from it.
But in "Private Romeo",
All that matters is LOVE.

My view on love is that,
YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE.
NOT GENDER.
Unless you're a Muslim.

I just wish,
so badly that our young lovers,
Romeo a.k.a cadet Sam Singleton and his lovely lovely Juliet a.k.a cadet Glenn Mangan
are truly lovers.
They had this chemistry,
non-awkwardness onscreen,
where the kisses are just natural,
and the way they bring out the words of Shakespeare (literally,they use OLD ENGLISH),
and how they are comfortable with each other.
They even are ODDLY close with each other OFF-SCREEN!
In the movie,
Instead of Verona,
you get the gym, mess hall, and dorm rooms of a military campus.
Instead of class wars and family feuds,
young plebes worry about demerits and falling in love.
And unlike the real play,
We have Tybalt, Mercutio, and our star-crossed lovers LIVE in the end.

Yes,
I am aware that Matt Doyle (Juliet) is openly gay,
and I HOPEFULLY earnestly from the bottom of my gut and heart wishes that Seth Numrich(Romeo) is gay too.
Because you don't get frisky with your own species.
And they look GOOD,
LIKE FRIGGIN' GOOD TOGETHER TOO~!!!
Like DARREN CRISS and CHRIS COLFER~!!!

As they say,
Darren and Chris are lovers.
Except Darren is straight.
*sigh*

I really REALLY thought they'd make a good couple.

Here's to my love.

from left: Juliet (Glenn), Romeo (Sam)

my favourite part where young banished Romeo from Verona for injuring Tybalt, hurriedly ran to Capel's Monument to find his true love, Juliet, lying breathlessly in the tomb.

downloading movies for the end of year 2012:
Make The Yuletide Gay
eCupid
Private Romeo
Breakfast With Scot
any horror English movies I can lay my hands to
FrankenWeenie (for Mukhlis)
Hotel Transylvania (also for Mukhlis)

and I kinda miss the soap opera Queer as Folks,
but I'm too lazy to download all 5 seasons,
So I'm just gonna buy the dvds,..

ALL HAIL JUSTIN AND BRIAN!
Seriously I love when Micheal's mom call Justin "Sunshine".
He's just so cute.

New movies next year:
STILL SEARCHING.

yep,
this is pretty much my routine for 2 months.
I have no life.
*sigh*

Where?

I don't know where I belong.
So the early conclusion of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where humans need the sense of belongingness:
I don't have it.

Lately,
home doesn't feel like home anymore.
It feels like "a free hotel with people you know and free food".
And hostel feels like,...
HOSTEL.

And I'm standing right between two spots,
My feet can't move,
And I'm standing on the grey spot between black and white.
Between hostel and home.
Between here and there.
But my guts telling me I don't belong to both.

So where do I belong?
I'm lost.

cry, cry little child,

all the places and people you know has died,

they say if wishes were horses beggar would ride,

care to hop in my precious little child?

Attachment

yeay, exam for semester 2 has finally ended.

we'll get to the result next year.

my point of today's babble is;

ATTACHMENT IS BAD.

I mean,

no people on this Earth is not attached to NOTHING.

It's whether you're attached to religion,

family,

friends,

lovers,

yourselves,

animals,

environment,

blah blah blah and the list goes on.

And whenever people are attached to something,

It's harder to let go.

You don't want to change.

You don't want to leave them.

You want the time to stop.

That's the thing I've been thinking the time we sent Dila to bus station tonight.

I've grown attached to them.

To my bestfriends here.

The question is,

I'm already feeling down and sad and lonely and all the negative emotions just welled up,

Because of the feeling that I won't be able to see them for 2 months.

But what happens when we're in our 8th semester,

And we're going to say goodbye for more than just 2 months?

Yes.

That hit the spot.

I've never had much friends.

And when you meet your other halves,

It's harder to let go,

To say goodbyes.

In friendship there are not just rainbows and pot of golds,

There will be floods and hurricanes and times when we just want to punch them right in the face,

But they know your bad side,

Your good side,

Your dirty side,

Literally all of your sides,

The smallest little things,

And accept you for it.

The nearest relationship to a family.

The current moment where we appreciate everything is important,

But to think we're going separate ways after 3 years,

It made me nauseous. 

To think I may never find people like them,

Hell they're irreplaceable.

It would just kill me.

Then again,

If you never move forward,

You won't know what the path might lead you on.

Like if I rejected the IPG thing when I was in KMPh,

I would still be "the forever alone dude in class 5H27" and never met these crazy people who I call "the ones that bring out the crazies in me".

Yeah it's the end of the semester and I kinda get a little bit emo,

And it's not like it's the end of the world.

But without them,

I would never even know the true meaning of having "second family".

You get a lazy-always-on-the-phone one,

the I-am-always-emo-online-but-crazy-when-I-get-outside one,

the laughing-spree-whenever-I-watch-RunningMan one,

the I-always-wear-feminine-stuffs-but-I-am-not-feminine-much one,

and me.

The normal one.

Okay,

Not so normal.pfft.

So that's just it.

Changes in lives bring different meaning to everyone.

Some likes it, 

And some doesn't.

But it's still going to happen.

So appreciate the moment.

After our last separation in 3 more years,

I want to be able to meet them again,

With children in hands,

Husbands beside (or behind our backs),

And we're talking non-endlessly about how our lives in IPG KDRI sucks,

But with each one of us there,

Life was endurable.

I want to be able to tell my children one day,

That I found true friends,

When I came to a place where they make "TEACHERS".

Dila: guys, it's a duck!

Jai: ducks can't fly.

Saba: that's an airplane, morons.

Said: i farted, if anyone noticed.

Me: can we stop looking at the sky and eat?i'm hungry.

Obsession took place.
Sanity doesn't helps anymore.
Desperate counters.
Excitements dwelling.
Hearts thumping.
And boom!!

Examination came.
Damn.

Moonlight

I don’t know how long I’ve been running, nor do I care. I just know I have to get away, escape from the creature and its rancid, hot breath. I can almost hear its heavy paws giving chase, snapping the slender branches on the ground as it covers the distance between us. The hair on the back of my neck rises and I have to force my fear down or else I’ll stop, my legs will give in and I won’t be able to go on.

I must not stop.

I must not turn back.

Suddenly, my foot gets caught in a raised root. I fall hard, scrapping my hands and knees with a few sharp rocks. I scramble back to my feet, cutting my right cheek with a nearby branch. The smell of blood registers first and I cover my nose and mouth with a trembling hand as I resume my desperate escape.

Nausea rises in me, along with another urge. I can feel it running through my veins, slowly poisoning my very soul with each ragged breath. But I’m still in range, I have to get away.

Pain hits me like a truck, demanding my immediate attention to what I know is unavoidable. It has finally reached me. I can’t go any further now. Oh, God, I tried! You know I tried! I close my eyes and let the images engulf me, the memories of the fatal night that changed my life forever. Sharp fangs covered in my blood flash before my terrified gaze before they resume their feast. I hear a gunshot, a painful whine and the voice of my rescurer in my mind, an echo of a time long past.

The creature was destroyed years ago, but I always recall the doomed chase in nights like this. It forces me to run faster, to place enough distance between us for the sake of those around me.

But it always catches up with me in the end.

Bones snap and rearrange themselves, wrapping me in pure agony. Thankfully, the process is quick and soon only my rough panting disrupts the otherwise silent park. Shaking the thick, black coat of fur covering this distorted version of what once was my human body, I feel my rationale slowly give in to the primal instincts that drive my hunger now.

It’s time for another chase, but this time, I’m the hunter.

I’m the creature.

more ramblings

YESSSS~!!!
I FINALLY LAID MY HANDS ON LIA HABEL'S "DEARLY DEPARTED"~!!!
along with two other books that I bought on a whim,
called "Wrecked" and "Wake".
plus the other two are closely related to water.
as I am very fond of water.
yes, I don't like to bathe.
too lazy to do it.
but to swim in an open sea,
it's like breathing.

So,
my mission downs to FOUR more books to go!
Firelight sequels; Vanish and Hidden,
Dearly Departed's sequel; Dearly Beloved,
and the new Watersong trilogy sequel; Lullaby.

I needs to know what happens after the Laz go crazy on all the red-beacon zombies. And Captain Abraham Griswold is one HANDSOME zombie~!!!!

aaand the crazy siren adventures continue.

I WILL FIND YOU, BY HOOK OR BY CROOK, AND I WILL READ YOU UNTIL I BECAME INSANE AND PUT YOU INTO MY PERSONAL LIBRARY~muahahahahahah *evil laugh*

second rambling:
Umi said she wanted to go to family trip to Ranau, Sabah this end of semester holiday.
not that I'm opposed to that trip,
but I feel like I've been away from ocean and sea for too long,
I missed it.
I wanted to go to islands.
As far as I'm concerned of my skin complexion,
I just have to sacrifice to being fair-skinned in order to be underwater again.
And that's something I'm willing to do.
I always rambles on how much of a "fire" person I am,
But waters calms me out.
I just wanted to go swim in open sea.
And not like the BEACH,
but a full-pledged SEA,
that has corals and everything.

third rambling:
if Dila said she wanted my sheer amount of knowledge in literature,
all I ever wanted is her diligence.
it doesn't matter how much of a genius one person is,
those who work harder than a lazy genius is omnipotent.
and that's how I view Dila.
and while rambling about other people,
no effort in reading PN,am I?
dammit I always talk the talk but can never walk the walk.

come back
come back to me
dear conscious
i have been living without you
since i listened to my heart
and apparently
it was the biggest mistake i made
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm deeply sorry
just come back to me

chain

exam is not far away from where I'm standing,
and all I could think of is...
what have I done with my life?
because from what I've faced, what I've done, what I said, what I DIDN'T said,
everything was a LIE.
a lie that I can't undone.
there's a chain that pulling me under,
it stuck on both of my feet,
and there's nothing I could do about it.
I can't help MYSELF,
how am I supposed to help ANYONE?
or even my future students?

the invisible hands are pulling my chains deeper,
I can't do anything but abide by it.

help me break this chain, please.

Little Girl

It just sank in.
The little girl had no life.
She merely reflects the life of others and implement it on her.
She has nothing of her own.
She laughs and cries for the things that wasn't hers.
The little girl thought she had everything.
She can have ANYTHING she wanted if she just struggled, holding on, keep on fighting.
That's the naivete she had in her mind.
For 20 years.
And why is it that 20-year old person is still a little girl?
Because eventhough her body changes,
Her mind doesn't.
It never moves on.
Up until now.
When will she can truly call a thing, a person, a memory, of her own?
The feeling of despair keeps stabbing in,
She didn't realize,
She lost 20 years for a mere memory,
That wasn't even hers to keep.

A time, honey, isn't something you can take back.
It will pass, and you will realize that you can't do it over.

She looks at that person,
That person cries,
And she felt the same throbbing pain,
For she had faced the same thing.

Little girl,
Why don't you cry for that person?

Because even my feelings aren't true.
None of it.

just a little bit of acknowledgement.

bukan untuk dibesar-besarkan.

bukan untuk dibangga-banggakan.

tapi berterima kasih sedikit pun takpe.

dan faham keadaan.

jangan buat aku pikir tindakan tu semata-mata ambik kesempatan atas apa yang aku ada.

aku rasa aku dipergunakan.
salah ke aku pikir macam ni?

I'm sick of it.
You always get hurt because of me.
It's all my fault.
Everything, up until now,
everything is a lie.
A made-up story.
How can I return back to the start?

Courage

Courage, KLAINERS, COURAGEEEEE~~!!!

Drabbling My Heart Out

DEAR BLAINE ANDERSON,

There are many things you’ve done in these years and I am proud to say I’ve sat and seen you through all of it:
I’ve seen you being an oblivious boy who didn’t realise how much Kurt already loved you. I’ve seen you doubt about yourself and who you are. I’ve seen you fall in love with the amazing man that is Kurt Hummel. I’ve seen you hesitate before you kissed him for the fi

rst time. I’ve seen you singing your heart out on stage. I’ve seen you sad for being the shadow of your older brother. I’ve seen you admiting how much it changed you when you got beat up for being who you are. I’ve seen you being braver than no other and asking your boyfriend to dance with you in the middle of his junior prom. I’ve seen you serenade your boyfriend in front the whole school. I’ve seen you being insecure about your relationship and the imminent changes that might come in the future. I’ve seen the light of hope in your eyes when you were told things wouldn’t change and that in just a year things would be the same again.

I’ve seen you being stupid, funny and optimistic. I’ve seen you being negative, sad and angry. I’ve seen you laugh. I’ve seen you cry. I’ve seen you be there for those who need it and I’ve seen how you shine with your own light

Now I’ve seen you fuck up in the worse way possible. I’ve seen you hurt someone you love. I’ve seen you making horrible decisions  I’ve seen you singing an apology out of desperation  I’ve seen you admitting being with someone else. I’ve seen you breaking Kurt’s heart. I’ve seen you hate yourself for it. I’ve seen you regret it.
Do you feel bad, Blaine? Do you regret it? Are you feeling horrible about yourself? Because you should. Imagine how Kurt feels right now when it was you the one who told him to go and follow his dreams. Imagine how much he’s hurting when he was finally shining as he always should’ve and had to hear that you cheated on him. It sucks, doesn’t it? It hurts like shit? Good.

Now I really want you to cry for days until you simply can’t cry anymore and after you’ve done that, I want you to wipe your tears away and stand up. I want you to get out of your house and go to school. I want you to be the best Senior Class President McKinley High has ever had. I want you to give Kurt space to figure himself out. I want you to be the leader New Directions needs. I want you to figure out what do you want to do with your life and your future. I want you to ask for help is that what you need. I want you to realize that you don’t need to stay next to anyone to find yourself.

I want you to apologize to Kurt in every way possible. I want you to give him the moon if he asks you to. I want Kurt to reject you several times and for you to keep trying harder everytime he does. I want you to make him fall in love with you all over again. I want you to prove that you’re the best option Kurt has. I want you to make him happy. I want you to restore the trust you broke.
But above all I want you to learn. I want you to put your head up high. I want you to come stronger out of all this. I want you to grow up and realise the many ways you can do things better. I want you to succeed. I want you to shine. I want you to be happy.

Will you, Blaine? Will you promise me to do all that? Because if you do, I promise to stay with you during every step of the way, no matter what happens. And if you think you don’t deserve it, think again. Because you deserve everything, too. I love you, Blaine Anderson. I always had and I always will.
Live your life, fix the mistakes you made and be as happy as you deserve and in exchange, I promise to never give up on you.

Always yours,
Someone who will always believe in you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's a moment when you say to yourself...
"Oh, there you go, but I'll still ship you forever."
You during 'The Break-up' this week was that moment for me...about you.
You move me, Klaine.
And waiting 5 weeks will just be another excuse to read fanfiction and love you more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another thing I’d like to mention. This is more about Kurt.

If you don’t think Kurt can forgive Blaine after cheating, you don’t know anything about Kurt. 

He forgave:
Finn for calling him a fag and humilating him in his own house.
Puck for all teh slushies and dumpster tosses.
KAROFSKY for..Oh do you live on another planet???

Kurt is an amazing and compassionate person. If he forgave Karofsky,

 he can forgive Blaine.

If Kurt forgives Karofsky and not Blaine then there is someting seriously wrong with the world.

6 haribulan 10,2012.

Hari ni bufdey Jowy.
Sepatutnya benda baik.
Tapi aku dapat 2 berita "kurang baik".

1)Ricchan finally confesses.
"I like you."
Dan aku thoroughly fikir pasal benda ni.
Dah lama dah.
Sebab aku tak boleh.
Tak mungkin.
Aku sayang dia,
Tapi sebagai kawan.
Dan satu lagi shock ialah,
Dia macam tak boleh terima yang aku rejek dia.
Saying "Let's get married" and all.
But I know it's bound to happen.
I don't want to cheat myself.
And I don't want to lead him further.

My answer is "no".
And please don't wait,
Because it'll always be "no".

2)Adinda messaged,
"Rumah naik pencuri.Nothing was stolen except my laptop."
The main thing is not the laptop.
It's THEIR SAFETY.
I'd LITERALLY DIE IF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO ANY OF THEM.
Tapi Alhamdulillah,semua okey.
Semua selamat.
Tu je yang aku perlu tahu.
Semua selamat.

Bila fikir-fikir balik.
Dua benda datang serentak kat aku hari ni.
Ni mungkin salah satu cara ALLAH SWT tunjukkan yang DIA sayang aku.
Aku terima kalau aku kehilangan salah seorang besfren aku hanya sebab aku tolak cinta dia.
Aku terima kalau family aku dapat rugi material.
Dan aku bersyukur sangat-sangat yang takde sapa-sapa cedera.
ALLAH SAYANG AKU.
KALAU TAK DIA TAKKAN UJI AKU DUA BENDA SEKALIGUS.

La Tahzan ya Abbi,
La Tahzan ya Ummi,
La Tahzan ya Ukhti..
La Tahzan ya Akhi..

KLAINE SHIPPING

Combining my passion of literature and my amateur-ish experience in photography.
Can I make a novel out of it?
Or if it's too much,
A thin layered book?

Too much Glee this week.
And it just breaks my heart.
I'm literally mourning for Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.

Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, "Oh,there you are. I've been looking for you forever." Watching you do Blackbird this week, that was a moment for me. About you. - Blaine Anderson, The Original Song.

I'm not falling in love with Blaine,yes, he is cute.
But what I fell in love is THEIR LOVE.

Like I said before,
Falling in love is a long process.
And that's how THEY started.
Not with a "bam!"

I just hope they don't break up.
Because then, there will be no reason to watch Glee anymore.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC~!!

Stress Week (Semester?)

Examination.
Heartbreak.
Klaine breakups.

And latest:
SPEAKERS' CORNER.

I'm starting my own gardening,
I'm planting "JERAWAT",
on my forehead.
I call it "STRESS GARDEN".

I've handed you a fragile heart
Hoping you would take care of it
I should have seen it coming
That you would trample it
And gave it back to me
In a condition where I can no longer repair it.
Thank you, live a happy life.

Jangan rosakkan persahabatan kita.
Tu je aku mintak.

A Secret(not so secret anymore) Interview With 嵐's Leader

Being A Leader

I-Interviewer
O-Ohno

I: How does it feel to be the leader of the idol group Arashi?
O: Leader is just a nickname, I don’t really act as one.
I: What?
O: They call me leader but I’m not doing any leading at all. I don’t do anything. Maybe Sho’s the leader, he leads.

Being an Arashi Member (cause he does not lead)

I: What do you think is the best part of being an Arashi member?
O: I get to meet them, I treasure my friends a lot.
I: But you treasure fishing right?
O: yes I do. Fishing takes out my stress, I can’t last a day without it.
I: hmm… And Ninomiya is addicted to gaming right? and magic too?
O: Uh, yes. But I thought this interview is about me?
I: It is. But if I were to give you a choice–a day with Nino but with no fishing or a day with fishing but no Nino? Which is it?
O: *speechless* W-What?
I: Fine, I’ll make it simple…Nino or fishing?
O: Wha-Why are you asking me?
I: Just please answer me.
O: Why?
I: Is it Nino?
O: No-Yes
I: Or fishing?
O: Yes-No
I: Please answer me. I’m not asking for a title of a song, duh.
O: Of course my–I mean Kazu, no I mean Nino.
I: thank you Ohno-san, I knew you’d choose Nino.
O: Huh?
I: Bye~

Hari Terbuka IPG KDRI and other..

Two words: BOOKS BOOTH!!!!

JPP anjur Hari Terbuka IPG KDRI starting tomorrow.
Dengar ura-ura banyak booth akan dibukak.
But my only aim is the books booth.
Harap-harap buku yang dijual kat booth tu best.
Because other than movies,
That particular typed words on papers is my absolute haven.

And about Phonology quiz.
I actually thought I would do better.
Maybe even enough to not to repeat.
But maybe I was mistaken.
I overlooked that papers,
And I overestimated my strength.

Hopefully dapat better marks if Madam Sar decided to let EVERYONE re-take the test.
Because if even Gijoe didn't make it into half,
Let alone ME.

I feel like I'm losing a friend and gaining a stalker.
I don't like that.
I don't like that at all.
I wasn't the one who messed up this friendship,
but I don't want to be the one to end it too.
I just don't want to feel guilty.

Oh, The Rain

Like snakes slithering, intertwined,
So are the constructs of my mind.
I wonder if ’twas by Divine design,
Or just the passage of Earth’s cruel time.

No matter the case, I must digress,
For I cannot think under such duress,
Nor contemplate mine own egress,
Into this dark pit of emptiness.

With so much stress and so much strain,
Whittling away at my wretched brain,
I wonder, will I be driven insane,
Left as a madman to laugh at the rain.

In my case, I must say I do believe,
That madness, to me, would be reprieve,
I would no longer need to grieve,
Over what i have failed to achieve.

Or mourn the loss of innocence,
In each and every happenstance,
No matter what the circumstance,
I detest this grim and loathsome dance.

If only life were not so dastardly,
In its dizzying attempts at mastery,
Perhaps there would not be such casualties,
Or such deviation from old formalities.

There’s naught I can do about this pain,
Save my writing in this refrain,
To spread worldwide the deep disdain,
Of this old madman, laughing at the rain.

Ya Allah
aku lalai
aku banyak habiskan air mata untuk duniawi
aku banyak berfikir untuk cinta diri dari cinta hakiki
aku tak sedar
aku akan balik jadi tanah jugak nanti
aku cuma boleh berdoa
semua ujian yang Kau beri ni
untuk ajar aku jadi hamba yang taat
anak yang solehah
kakak yang bertanggungjawab

aku tipu aku tipu aku tipu.

aku tak boleh senyum depan kau.

aku tak boleh buat apa-apa pun depan kau.

ego aku yang tinggi menggunung hancur bila berhadapan dengan kau.

aku tak boleh berhenti berharap yang aku akan balik semula dengan kau.

aku bodoh,aku tau.

Look
I'm trying my best here,
Although sometimes I feel like choking him,
Burn him alive,
Stick forks into his chest,
And other malevolent sentience I can think of,
But still,
I am SANE.
Sane enough not to do all of the above.
Well,
Poking him with a knife won't hurt much,
Would it?

But dear situation,
Please be on my side FOR ONCE,
Just this once.
I am not ready to be in a commitment,
Not yet.
I don't know when,
Maybe next month,
Next year,
It all depends on how long it takes for the wound to heal completely,
It's not in my control.

I don't want to be bothered by this petty thing called LOVE.
And absolutely not one of my bestfriends.
Why can't he be JUST MY BESTFRIEND?
Why ruin this friendship?
Stop looking at me like that,
It reminds me of my old self,
Because that's the same way I looked at HIM.

If you can't fulfill my wish.
I can't be your friend anymore.
I'm actually through with this thing.
So stop.
All of it.

I Love You,But.

I know what Ricchan wants.
I know.
But I'm incapable of falling in love for the time being.
It has THAT much of an impact on me.
I don't know when will I heal completely,
But for now,
I can't.
Anyone won't be.
Let alone ONE of my bestfriends.
Amir won't tell me his opinion on this.
And he wanted me to promise not to tell Ricchan that I told him that.
I don't understand his train of thoughts,
But I trust Amir.
Explicitly.

Ricchan,
Don't ruin our friendship.
Please.
Please.
Please.
I don't want to lose you.
Please understand my selfish request.
And I won't ask anything in return.
Just be my bestfriend,
Till the end.
Can you?

The Beginning of The End

It starts to wilt,
The stench smell burns,
The pain and the blood drip,
Until finally it turns.

Like an autumn leaves,
It became so hard to breathe,
Slowly and slowly it writhes,
Like an animal on leash.

Can someone help me,
Can someone set me free,
Can I finally be me,
To walk solemnly among the trees?

That wicked smile,
A pained expression,
Bring forth the cry,
A mournful procession.

When will this end,
To flee from this land,
A cold hurting heart,
Hoping for a new start.

WISHFUL THINKING..

If I don't get my hands on this backward mirror-faced watch, I won't buy meself ONE SINGLE WATCH TILL I DIE. Only, I want a wrist watch. Not a pocket watch. I particularly liked this kind of watch because it makes me feel like time is going backward rather than forward.

Sequel to Firelight. I so wants to know what happens after Tamra finally evolved, and Will being amnesiac and lost his memories of Jacinda.

I don't know if this 3rd series is the last one, but the release date is going to be on November 2012. And the movie will be on air~~!!!

Adinda will be so freaked out, knowing Stephenie Meyer's The Host will come out as a movie. Only we didn't recognize any of those actors. I hope it'll come out as good as the book.

The last book I ever so wanted is... I don't remember it's title. I once saw it in POPULAR in KB Mall, read its synopsis and was a little tempted. But I remember the cover. It was about a girl who was captured by zombies but they didn't harm her. All in all, she fell in love with one of the zombies. I'd like to see how it ends. The mortal and the undead. Not in vampire-cliche-ish way.

OH I REMEMBER, THE NOVEL'S NAME IS...... DEARLY DEPARTED BY LIA HABEL!!!

I always adored star-crossed lovers. I don't know that myself. Of course, I, wanted a normal love. I don't want to face obstacles or the sorts. I'm not THAT adventurous. But reading them, somehow, it makes me feel that, love overcome everything. Even death. No, not in NECROPHILIAC way, but still.. a little bit of imagination won't harm nobody, right?

I HOPE WHEN I GO TO BOOKSTORE IN THE NEAREST FUTURE, THE BOOKS I WANTED WILL BE THERE, WAITING FOR ME TO PURCHASE THEM.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE~~!!

Do not judge me by what I do,
Judge me by what I write.
Because the words came from my heart.
Just because I laugh all the times,
Doesn't mean the laughter is true.
Sometimes you have to feign ignorance,
It's the only way to mask a wounded heart.

within him

Within him lies the darkness,
within him evil looms.
Within him lies your terror,
within him lies your tomb.

Within him lies your sadness,
if ever your are caught.
To spend all time in turmoil,
within his hellish thoughts.

His name contains no meaning,
for his name contains no words.
Within his is the abstract,
within him you will blur.

Within him you are nothing,
but the sum of all your fears.
Within him you’re no longer you,
for within him, you are his.

Telling lies won't hid the truth.

Faking smiles won't hid the tears.

You're as cold as one already dead.

Yesterday,
I was with your father.
He was not further away from me as you are now.
I went to sleep.
When I woke up,
I learned that,
In overnight,
Twelve years has passed.
And instead the only man I've ever loved,
There stood a girl with his eyes.
My heart is not cold.
It's broken.

Selene.

I thought I was capable of falling in love again.
Because that's what homo sapiens do.
They fell in love.
They fell out of love.
The cycle starts again.
Like a clockwork.

For a brief of time,
I was out of love.
And he came back.

And for a moment,
I thought,
"I might fall in love with him again,"
And I wanted to.

But then again,
I realized,
No.

It's not love.
I wasn't falling in love,
I was lonely.
I was sad.
I was desperate.

Because when I think deeper,
It came to me.
My heart is not cold, it's broken.
I don't think I can fix it anymore.
It's beyond repair.

I've done caring.
I've done believing.
I've done loving.

But I can't stop feeling hurt.
My heart,
It feels like someone blows an air balloon inside my lungs,
It compress my heart,
I can't breathe,
My chest feels tight.

Somehow,
I feel like I'm losing a friend.
It's because I was selfish.
It's because I was afraid.

Why can't they understand?
Why can't I be frivolous?
Why?
Why?
Why?

I don't think I can survive this.
Everything seems impossible.
In love,
In exam,
In assignments,
In life.

"It's a test,
It's a test,
It's a test"
I keep reminding myself,
But in the end,
I feel worthless,
Useless,
Incapable of doing anything,
But whine,
Fakes smiles and laughs,
Because like Ricchan said,
"Laugh at your problems,
And you'll find a solution out of it",
But up until now,
I just laugh,
And my heart cries,
Cause that's the best medicine I have,
It's a temporary painkiller,
Before I feel all numb,
Before I realize,
In the end,
It doesn't change a thing.

I still cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to whine anymore,
But sometimes,
It goes out naturally,
Maybe I'm a whiner?
I don't particularly care,
But I don't think I can survive this.

I tried to cooperate.
I'll try harder if they want me to.
I don't want to be a nuisance.

I just hope everything ends.
Please end this.
End all of it.
Please.
Please.
Please.

I don't like it.

I don't like THEM.

Waddaheck dude??!!!!

Oh God Oh Dear God WHY CAN'T THEY JUST DIE DIE DIE??!!!!

Why Did I Fell In Love With Him, Again?

He sighed.

Turning to his right, there were Sho and Aiba browsing the internet,giggled stupidly.
Turning to his left, MatsuJun was humming their latest song, Face Down and struggled with Sho's rap parts.

He sighed. I'm so bored.

Then, he heard a faint music somewhere in the hotel room. His was supposedly to be shared with Aiba, but Nino didn't approved it (Sho also,but he didn't shows it on his face),so he bribed Aiba in giving him his latest video game, which was a successful attempt. But as always, the five of them stays in one room, because it felt awkward, and lonely without any one of them. They were together for 25 years since their junior years, after all.

He searched lazily for that faint sound, and found Nino on veranda, playing his latest PSP.

Woke up from his bed, he walked toward Nino unconditionally. It's always like that. Whenever he can't detect Nino's presence, he would feel....anxious.

Outside at the veranda, he sat quietly beside Nino, who was still immersed in his Mario Cart game.

Nino was always like this.

Selfish.
Childish.
Doesn't pay attention to literally ANYTHING if he's playing games.

A complete opposite of himself.

So why did he fell in love with this bratty prince, Ninomiya Kazunari, again?

He sighed.

Nino stole a glance from the corner of his eyes and see him yawned in boredom.
He puts down his treasured PSP and reached for his Leader's pair of cold hands(because of the air-conditioner) and rubbed them to make them warm, pulling to his cheeks.

"Is something bothering you?" Nino asked him.

"I was just thinking..."

"About what?"

"Why did I fell in love with you?"

Nino laughed softly. Ahh, he's so cute. I can't stop teasing him.

"Well, wasn't it obvious? I am FABULOUS,REMARKABLE and any other great adjectives you can think of."

Hearing Nino's reply, he chuckled.

Nino held his face tenderly, his warm hands just melted his cold cheeks and Nino kissed his forehead before he can even blink.

"Is there a reason to fall in love,Oh-chan?"

No, there is not.

author's note:my obsession is still not over. Mada mada dane!!

He's My Boyfriend

author's note:Been watching OhMiya SK lately.Non-stop.So I can't help myself.

Ninomiya Kazunari is my boyfriend.
"Stop touching my butt in front of others!" Ohno finally bursts out to Nino after they finished their program Arashi ni Shiyagare. Sho who was tailing them since he saw their Riida being more silent than usual, rolls his eyes.

"Why not?It's fun~" Nino singsong, not caring that Ohno is mad. He didn't understand, he touches Ohno's butt since 8 years ago in front of many,many viewers and Ohno never complain or even against it, but why now?

"I don't like it." Ohno mumbles slowly, but it didn't escaped Nino's ears.

"If you don't like it, why tell me now? Why didn't you told me when I first touched it?" This time, Nino bursts out too. Sho, being the smartest of all, ran to Aiba and MatsuJun. He doesn't want to be in the middle of lover's spat.

"It's different now. We used to do it as fan services and passing it as jokes,but...." Ohno's voice trails off. Nino, watching the small guy blushes in pink, had an evil idea in his head. He scooted closer to Ohno, closer,  closer, until Ohno realized he was being cornered by Nino at the end of the room. There was no escape.

"But what,Sa..to..shi?" Nino whispered softly into Ohno's red ear.

"You're my boyfriend now.It's different." Ohno mumbles.

Smirking at the elder's remarks, Nino pulled Ohno's slender waist into a hug and put his head on Ohno's shoulder.

"That's why I'm showing to the world you're MINE. All mine." He said with a relieved sigh.Ohno, who was red with delight and embarrassment replied Nino's hug with his pair of hands on Nino's shoulder.

"Really?"

"Really really."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the other room, the three members were already dozed off because they were too scared to enter the other room because an exhausted Ninomiya is a scary Ninomiya. Plus he already declared that no one can see Ohno naked except for him.

Those Dream Places

Vladimir Town,Russia.
Furano,Hokkaido,Japan.
Italy,Rome.
Makkah.

I want to see the architectures.
I want to see the poppy field.
I want to set foot at Trevi Fountain.
I want to perform hajj.

世界の終わり

Hiding the truth in my moping thoughts,
I think of you who had been snatched away by darkness,
Dozy eyes and closed hearts,
Paint a blue moon that floats above the chaos.

At the place surrounded by flowers in full bloom,
I continue to search for frozen time.

My dear friend,
My friend that I have lost,
This place is the very end of the land of our promises.

Sekai no Owari
~The End of the World~

Hinageshi hatake (poppy field)

A brilliant female is superior than other females on this Earth.
But when she faces a heartbreak,
She's as pathetic as any other females.

Wallowing in self-pity,
Self-disgust,
Sadness,
Darkness,
Tears,
Regrets,
Awkwardness,
Lies,
Evasion...

I need to get up.
Face it.
Forget.
Start anew.
Live.

Up until now,
I still can't.

When the pale flower petals shook

And quietly landed

The little wind that carries the season

Has passed through me

The sunlight that increased in strength

Tells me of a new era

I wanted to stop the time that is definitely flowing

And closed my eyes

I hear it from far away

The sound of laughter that I’ve grown used to

People who ran past with me

Won’t be here from tomorrow on

It seems from my heart that it’s great we’d met

The tender days zip past my chest and disappear

Because I can’t seem to say “congratulations” no matter what

I’ll let it ride on the wind from here and softly murmur it to you

I’ve lived without knowing

That I have this kind of feelings

But the calm and fun times

Changed me little by little

The passionate thoughts toward strength

That started to sprout on that day

Even now, with unchanging intensity

I’m aiming towards the heights

While embracing everything

That you’ve taught me

The beginning will be there soon

I’ll live in our era

It seems from my heart that it’s great we’d met

I burn your kind smile into me so that I won’t forget about it

Because I see your face and I can’t seem to say “thank you”

I murmured it faintly and softly in the court

A Scary Thought

A scary thought,

Like a crumbled fort,

A feeling that was blocked,

Until the heartbeat stopped.

When the pace slows down,

When all I have is frown,

Take everything piece by piece,

Until I can no longer breathe.

See a masked smile,

Watch a pretended laugh,

That was part of the lie,

To bear the days in rough.

That small heart of glass,

Fragile yet untouched,

How can I expect it to last,

When you smashed it harsh?

Kalau macam ni lah tahap tak bersyukur tu, aku pun tak terkata apa-apa dah. aku letih melayan KKP,aku takde masa nak pikir bende lain.kami ni diberi tugasan untuk jadik benteng depan anak-anak,kenapa institusi masih tak puas hati?rasa dengki ke sebab kami dapat elaun?sebab kami tak perlu bayar PTPTN?ingat kami ni belajar saja-saja ke?bukan salah IPG kalau ramai budak pilih untuk jadi cikgu.aku semakin rasa yang dalam nak maju sangat,pemikiran orang kat Malaysia ni dah semakin mundur.banyak sgt rely kat tenet kot,buat eseimen pun copy paste je,bila masa nak berfikir?kalau nak buang kitorang macam budak-budak lepasan kolej tu,kenapa bazirkan masa 5tahun kitorang kat sini?kenapa nak bazirkan duit cukai rakyat kalau tak kasi kitorang berkhidmat?

aku pening.

Habit

Amir,Icchan and Ricchan told me to change my "habits".
"Learn musical instruments"
"Go jogging, you're getting flabby lately"
"Stop being an introvert"
they told me.

Drawing,
Writing,
Composing poems,
Reading,
It's not habits.
It's something I do all the time.
Like breathing.
I don't like it.
No one LIKES to breathe, they HAVE to.
It's not something I can change.
I'm sorry guys.
And even though today is Amir's birthday,
the answer is still "no",
because the reason I do what I do,
is not for mere fun.
it's for my survival,
it's for my sanity.

Sometimes, all I ever wanted is to stand under a school building on a rainy day with a beloved.
We would say nothing,
but the silence is a bliss,
and just enjoy each others' company.

Normal and Boring.

"Reckon no matter how you choose to live, there'll always be things you regret, and there'll always be things you gain from it, but right now, leaving you is not an option" - Kusakabe Hikaru, Doukyuusei.

"You're here, that's all that matters" - Sajou Rihito, Doukyuusei.

Shards of memory with a brilliant radiance,
In a round of seasons,
Two boys' hearts are changing,
They grow mature by accepting all of each other,
Spring has come.

Asumiko Nakamura, Sotsugyousei.

The books made by same author, Asumiko Nakamura-sensei, are Doukyusei, its sequel, Sotsugyousei and the spin-off, Sora to Hara. I've always read things like this, but never encountered such dull and boring storyline, but the author came back to basics where love is innocent and pure in high schools. The plot was slow, and readers can feel the spirit of bittersweet youth that tickles us from inside and leaves our fingers shaking. Thinking, "aaah, I wanted to feel like this also.."

Doukyuusei, first season.

Sotsugyousei, second season.

Sotsugyousei, third season. Graduation.

Sora to Hara, spin-off where it revolves around Hara-sensei aka Seku-Hara and Sorano, a new student.

The drawings aren't too expressive, simple, and not dramatic at all. It's a story of steps in being adults, which everyone experience in life. It's beautiful as it is.

A complex fool and a simplex fool.

How they complete each other.

Pitter Patter

Pitter patter, on the pane,
Pitter patter, once again,
Pitter patter, how I strain,
Pitter patter, but no rain.

What so does tread my halls,
Humming low with crooning calls,
Succubae or hellish thralls,
Why for do they tread my halls?

No creak yet disturbs this floor,
No shadows flit beneath the door,
My breath will hold no second more,
Content they seem for now with her.

So frail and failed the loosened cry,
Harsh and drawn the deadened thud,
And now nil remains but I,
A lowly pawn amidst the blood.

Dull crunches fill my coward’s ears
As all I love is torn asunder,
What use have I for earthly fears
What frightens now in rolling thunder.

Pray I the stairs avoid their gaze,
I pray my whimpers pass them by,
Pray I no lust in recess lays,
For further flesh… pray I.

My ears await the hollow sound,
Of plodding steps upon the stairs,
the keyhole and my eye are bound,
I utter nought but silent prayers.

Creaks clamour along the flight,
Hauling darkness shewn in hell,
Wan and ashen, twisted blights,
Shuffle and scratch before my cell.

Tattered snouts snort the air,
Yellowed nails like daggers scrape,
Bloodied teeth gnash and bare,
in wretched maws wide agape.

One is like a dream I’ve known,
turned nightmarish in the gloom,
Blonde locks, like clumps are sewn,
A mere mockery of her boon.

Is that my love, no, no more.
But a glint betrays her band,
I know each mark, and every score,
For I placed it on her hand.

I think my walls home no more,
Im borne beyond in dogged fear,
A grubby note slips through the door,
“I miss you, do you miss me dear?”