Thursday 16 October 2014

Jackson and Lydia

The power couple (and of course, Alpha couple) will always and infinitely be Sterek,
But somehow if I could relate the others with mine,
It'll be Lydia and Jackson.


She feels connected to Lydia the most.
She could have anyone she wants, if she works on it.
Not saying that she is highly attractive,
But with the right amount of flirting and adequate appropriateness of facial expression,
She could seduce any men she wants.

But Lydia,
The one who has ever loved her and the one she loves back,
Is the one that got away.
Now we all know Jackson is the frickin' king of douchebags,
But he loved her.

They are the ones that "are meant to be".

Not saying that her one failed real relationship is meant to be,
But why can't she use her charms and face to have anyone she wants?
Why do she resort to depression and loneliness?
She doesn't even know.

What she does know is she could never have anyone as good as he was,
And she doesn't generally buy "lottery tickets" anymore.
Because she couldn't take anymore heartbreaks.
Because she doesn't want to forget him.
Because she doesn't want to get over him.
Because he is her Jackson.

A Letter To Aiman Azlan - Rebuttal To The "Curse" Post Into "Test"

I was first introduced to this blogger by Saba,
Who was concerned about me not being able to let Syidi go,
Or rather the memories of us.

Recently I sent him an email,
And this is his reply:-

*****

Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah.

Thank you for your honest confession. 

I think you have identified your problem when you said "negative mindset". Negative things happened to all of us, and each of us face different negative things. We all have our battles. I have mine, you have yours, and others have theirs. Your battle is your beauty. 

But at the same time, your blessing is your beauty as well. Allah gave you a beautiful face and you should be grateful for it. At the same time, you should realize that humans are innately attracted to beautiful things. Just like what Prophet Yusuf faced during his time. 

Prophet Yusuf was a very handsome man and people were attracted to his handsomeness. But he didn't find his beauty a curse, but he did see it as a test from Allah. If he passed, he knows that he will have a better relationship with Allah in the long run. That should be your goal as well, to have a better relationship with Allah, by facing this test and not running away from it. 

I speak for all men when I say that we are attracted to beautiful women, just like women are attracted to beautiful men. But I wouldn't that is our curse - that is our test. We as men shouldn't let our affection for beauty cloud our better judgment. That is why the Prophet advised men to prefer a women with Deen than a woman with only a beautiful face. Because in the long run, the Deen will help you get to Jannah, not the beautiful face. But that is our test.

Your test, as a beautiful woman, is to not let your beauty define you. Yes, people will look at your beauty but don't let their preference for your beauty stops you. You should prove that you have much more to offer than a pretty face, and I believe you do. Don't think too much about your beauty, and definitely I hope that you don't obsess yourself over it. Because beauty will fade, whether we like it or not. Beauty will fade, even if we take very good care of it. It is the nature of beauty. But if we take good care of our Deen, Insha Allah it will not fade. 

I think that should be your main focus. In fact, that should be our main focus. 

Work on your relationship with Allah and work on developing your full potential so that you may realize it in service of your community. Focus on that, and Insha Allah there will be a man out there who will appreciate you for what is outside and inside, and not just for what is outside.

May Allah grant you strength and may Allah surround you with good company who will help you get closer to Him. Ameen.
******

So here it is,
I don't want to be depressed anymore.
I want to be grateful for what I have.
I want to think that this is a test,
Not a curse.

I will do better.
I will love myself before I am capable of loving other human being.

Pretty Please?

Hey, 
I missed you. 
Can we please stop this cold war thingy? 
Although we don't know how to reconcile, 
I still wanna talk to you.
I want my best friend back. 
Can you bring him back to me? 

I have just been the most douchebag in the history of douchebagery towards someone. 
But still there are people who never learn that I am a siren that is unable to love. 
You're the only one who was never captivated by my siren song,
And you loved me the most. 
Please, can I have my best friend back?
I missed you dearly.

Monday 13 October 2014

How Did It Come To This?

I was so, so, so tempted. 
Stupid. 
Stupid. 
Stupid.

When all these craziness starts corrupting my head, 
There will always one person I want to turn, 
And I never failed to feed my ego to not to.

Apa Kau Rasa Apa Kau Cakap

"Saba, sebelum aku cakap apa-apa bodoh baik kau tampar aku." 
" Apa benda kau merapu ni?" 
"First time aku nampak dia since a long time, 
Hari ni dia nampak smart pulak duduk depan aku." 
"Kau memang macam ni kan? 
Bila dia kau punya, kau lari. 
Bila dia dah takde baru kau nampak betapa hensemnya dia."

Orang. 
Bila ada takmau cherish. 
Dah takde baru sedar. 
Aku lah tu.

Tapi aku tau. 
Aku takkan survive kalau dalam relationship. 
Samada kekal sendiri atau terus berkahwin.
Sebab tu satu-satunya cara aku akan dicorner,
Dan tiada tempat untuk lari.
I have no choice but to love. 

Fikiran yang berubah-ubah. 
Terlalu dalam. 
Tiada tali to tether me to this world.

Kau mahu aku jangan ajak aku membuat dosa. 
Jumpa ibu ayah. 
Halalkan.

Walau aku rasa mentaliti aku membuatkan aku tak layak untuk bercinta, 
Dan dicintai.

Saturday 11 October 2014

A Curse

Somehow,
After everything that happened,
I came to a conclusion,
That this face is a curse.

It's not that I'm not grateful,
To have two pair of working eyes,
A nose,
And a mouth that never ceases to blab things.

It's just,
This frickin' face,
Attract so many unwanted attentions,
That I began to despise it.

Because of this face,
I lost faith in humanly love,
That people only wants the physical looks,
And failed to see what's beneath.

And that is probably my fault too,
Because I hide the truth about who I really am,
Behind Miss Little Perfect,
And the broken little girl was dying behind the faltering smiles.

I don't wish I look differently,
I know it would be ungrateful,
But I don't know how to see things positively.
Everything in this world only has its bad side.

What am I supposed to do?
Please, please, please,
Someone tell me what to do,
Someone help me before I destroy myself and everything,
Until there is nothing left.

I just wants to graduate as soon as possible and run away from reality to create my own world where there is no one and nothing could penetrate it,
So I could be sane for once.

Friday 10 October 2014

Just. No.

Never,
Never in a million years,
Would I imagine this would happen.

I was kidding when I said I could get anyone I want!

When someone confess to me,
All these always happen.

My hands are shaking,
My feet are cold,
I feel like I want to cry,
And pass out,
And hyperventilates,
And run away to Cuba.

And it always happens when I JUST got out from a relationship.

It's like the universe trying to say,
"Yeah kid, we know you're afraid of people liking you,
So we're gonna make people like you."

I need a pool.
Sea.
Anything with water so I could drown.
Please.

A Little Thought On Anthropology

Multitude.

Some people has their unique quality that differs them from others.
Some are extroverts,
Some introverts,
Some a little bit of both,
And then there are maniacs.

I take times to observe what I am,
What kind of people I socialize,
What kind of people I avoid,
Humans in general.

I like watching how they bring themselves,
How they interact with others,
Just because I'm simply curious.

Watching them doesn't bring benefits for me,
Because I have nothing that I could manipulate or extract from them.
I'm not a sociopath.

Usually I keep to myself what I see in people,
There is nothing to say,
And nothing to memorize.

As I grow older,
The company I keep,
And the intrapersonal skills that I have,
Baffled me to no end,
Until now.

I learned from experience that sometimes I share too much background information,
So sometimes I filtered it,
Or just omit the facts,
Replace it by something else.

I don't lie,
I just don't tell the truth.

Socializing with a sociopath makes me think,
That sometimes I am a masochist,
For abiding by his words and reluctantly debates with him,
To stand up for my principle.

And some other times I think his sociopathic traits rub off on me.
Like masking my own antisocial self to blend in,
Mimicking people's reactions so I would seem normal.

Mingling with people of my own gender taught me about feminism,
And arguing on how to treat myself and different gender normally.

Someone who is fairly perceptive of my own person told me that I am a peculiarity.
A mix of sociopath, introvert, depression, and something new.
While he psychoanalyzes me,
I think that it is fair for me to ostracizes his thoughts by giving me information,
Helping me to understand me better.

A sociopath never feels guilty of committing an immoral act.
So the depressed can never be a sociopath.
But I have both qualities.

So what am I?

And the mindset of playing with humans,
Emotionally and socially,
Even when I am not aware of it,
Is something new, he says.

Being bored of people after using them is a sociopathic trait.
But as I am easily bored with people,
I don't use them for personal entertainment per se.
I don't enjoy crushing people's hearts and leave them broken.
But I don't feel sympathetic nor empathetic about it.

I don't understand when my friends keep feeling pity about something,
Because I don't feel their sentiments,
I only care about what I feel.

Because it happens every day,
To everyone.

So I nod and agrees to everything,
Because I am lazy to argue anymore.
Unless it excites me so,
Or the topic intrigued me.

I'd like to see if the people I'm socializing with have different views on themselves.
Or what I see is what I intercept.

Wednesday 8 October 2014

To (ex) Mr. Panda

You told me you could be friends.
I gave you a definite answer.
I want to be friends,
But at my own pace.

You doing all this,
It's suffocating me.
I don't like it one bit.

I'm sorry but if you continue behaving like this,
I'm afraid we can't even be friends even for exes.

I'm just so tired,
So please stop doing all this.
Live your life.
There's more to this rather than just a couple weeks of fling.

You're 22,
Not 100.
Don't be like me.

You don't love me,
You're only infatuated with me.
They all do.
Physical attraction, 
And that's just about it.
There is no such thing as love.
In my book,
It doesn't exist anymore.

People fall in love,
People fall out of love,
It is a common thing,
It's just a matter of perception whether you can be strong about it,
Or chasing the thing that has been gone for awhile now.

There will be someone better for you,
But if you keep on doing this,
I might start hating you.

Frickin' MQA

Why is this happening to me? 
Yes I said yes for the substitution for MQA Interview. 
I did it for the sake of our class. 
I did it because I am so Goddamned tired of people shoving it off to others' faces (read: Syafiq). 

It was just for substitution. 
Until it became permanent. 
What am I supposed to do? 
Our class didn't even do the stupid folder,
So we're flying blind here. 

I'm not good with verbal.
I will screw this up. 
This is supposed to be my month.

I sure well need goddamn sugar after this.

Tuesday 7 October 2014

Behind The Mask

She,
Who could have anyone she wants,
Chose to be alone instead.

She,
Who could have all the happiness in the world,
Chose to feel hurt instead.

She,
Who generally have no problems in the world,
Chose to feel burdened instead.

She,
Who could be the heroine of the story,
Chose to be the villain instead.

She,
Who could attract the warmth of companions,
Chose to hide behind the mask instead.

She,
Who could have a bright future,
Chose to wallow in past instead.


One of my classmates,
Who has quirks for observing people,
Says he cannot read me.

He starts calling me "Batman" because of the mysterious aura,
But the truth is,
I've had enough with nicknames.

Vet and Ana are enough,
Because those names stick with me since forever.

I was actually intrigued by his remarks,
Because usually people says I'm just a bubbly, child-like, people-person.
Though them girls,boys, and my sister knows that is actually bullshit.

But with his observation saying I'm unreadable,
Makes me feel inferior more than ever.
I'm scared he will starts trying to reach out and grabs my mask,
To see the little girl I've been hiding all these times.

I don't want that.
I want to keep her as long as I live.
Away from other people who cannot climb my wall.
Stop trying to cross the lines.
Stop coming any closer.

I'm scared.
Yet perplexed at the same time.
Curious.

Teenage Years

There is this weird dreams I had recently after meeting with little Amni of 3 weeks old.
Yeah,
I'm a little bit squirmy around newborns.
Which makes it easier to just makes it "poof" when they reach teenage years.
So here,
A little gift for my Widget.

I dunno why but every time I picture Widget in his teen years, the image I had was always Isaac.

There’s a monster, because there’s always a monster, isn’t there, and Velvet doesn’t even watch it hit the ground, down and out, before she’s moving for Widget.

By the time she reaches him he already babbling apologies, and Velvet brushes them off and instead grabs his face in her hands. She twists it left and right, searching for bruises or cuts or burns or whatever he could have gotten, and his jaw moves under her hands. 

“Ibu. Ibu, quit it, I’m totally fine-”
He tries to bat her away, but Velvet just pulls him closer, circling both arms around him and burying her head in his curly hair, squeezing her eyes shut and letting herself have this, this one stolen second before shit hits the fan. She feels him and how he doesn’t even hesitate, just hugs her back even harder.
“I’m fine,” he says into her shoulder, muffled, and it’s then that Velvet realizes she’s been talking all this time.
She draws back. “You’re not fine, you-” she presses a kiss to his hairline, talking all the while, “made a sentient killer robot-”
“By accident-”
“An accidental killer robot is still a killer robot,” Velvet says, louder than necessary, her heart practically beating the samba, Jeez, she had nearly had a heart attack when the call had come in. Yes, sorry, gentlemen, I have to exit this meeting due to my son fighting a giant killer robot with a secret version of the suit that I was not aware he had.
He squirms, his face still framed by her hands. “Yeah, but-”
“But nothing,” Velvet says over him, nearly shouting now. She tilts his face so he is forced to look at her. 

“But nothing, Cariad Dhiyaul Islam, but absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. I told you not to mess with that technology, I told you it was dangerous, you are strictly forbidden to mess with magic-laced technology, you know that. And I told you, along with the law, that you are not allowed to do mechanical suits until you are at least twenty three! At least twenty three, you are sixteen-”
“I’m old enough-”
“You are by no means old enough, what the hell were you thinking, you could have gotten seriously hurt, you could have gotten killed-”

“But I didn’t, I’m fine! Ibu,” he says, shaken and desperate and alive, “I’m totally one hundred percent okay, I’m not even bruised or anything, I was awesome, you worry too much-”

“I worry just enough, I watched my son almost get swatted out of the sky by a robot the size of a skyscraper, I’d say that warrants me to worry a little bit more than the average mother,” Velvet says, and her voice keeps rising, her fingers keep stroking lines into his cheeks like if she stops he’ll suddenly be lying on the ground with his limbs at odd angles after all. Her eyes rake over him again, sees everything in its place, and she suddenly forgets to be mad. She swears into his hair, pulls him close and just breathes, breathes the wonderful soot and the underbite of his shampoo that he always makes them get, even though it makes his hair oily if he uses too much. But he doesn’t mind, because the smell makes up for it, he says, he has said so many times before, and Velvet always catches a whiff of it when she kisses his cheek before he leaves for school, and she nearly lost that in one downcut of a metal hand coming down.
It had been so close, less than an inch away from him as he narrowly escaped out from under it, suit glinting glossy red and gold in the afternoon sun. Velvet’s breath had gotten stuck in her throat watching his curls through the tops of the buildings, whooping and curving in fast circles.
She barely even blinks, soaking in the sight of her son, with his bright blue eyes. 
“You,” she says. Stops, has to swallow. “Are grounded.”
He actually has the audacity to groan. “Fuuuuuuck. Fine. For how long?”
“Until you grow old and die.”
“Ibu.”
“Until you grow old and die,” she repeats, sternly, in her best I’m-Your-Mother-Hence-I-Know-Better tone. 
“Odes will be written about you. People will come for miles around to see the grounded son, grounded for the rest of his natural born life, we could start a tourist attraction-”
“Ibu,” he says, and this time he’s almost laughing, giggly with it. Colour is high in his cheeks, he’s still panting slightly. He’s flushed and gorgeous and streaked with grit, and Velvet has never been more relieved in her life. 
“So grounded.” She peppers his hair with kisses until he’s full-out laughing, shaking with it. 
“So, so grounded. Grounded times infinity. God, I am so mad at you.”
“I’m sorry,” he says into her neck. “Didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“Yeah, nice job.”

Wednesday 1 October 2014

Hearts

You know the worst part of getting your heart broken?
The inability to fall in love again.
You thought time will help you being on track again,
How wrong are you,
When you realize nothing will ever be the same.

You're not the person you used to be.

Your feelings are numb,
Your head is a mess,
And your heart is empty,
Because you gave everything away,
Until there is nothing left for you.

You lost hope in waiting,
You lost hope in practically everything,
And you just wants it all to end,
Because nothing matters anyway.

Sometimes you lie to yourself,
Just to be reminded by your subconscious,
That you are pathetically being an idiot,
And have no qualms whatsoever showing it to your dearest ones.

Even if he apologizes,
He could not return you to who you really were,
And you don't know whether to be grateful or to loathe him all your might,
Because he showed you the true harsh reality of life,
Or the part where he took away the little innocence you had,
And crushed it beneath his feet,
Like an insignificant vermin.

You speak with brilliant words on keyboard,
But when with your lips,
All you can do is grunt and growl,
Like an injured puppy,
You know you're wounded,
But you refused help.

There are people who tries to replace him in your heart,
But you sealed it away,
You became wary of their presence,
You want to block everything out,
Because you're afraid of what could have repeated,
Of their expectations,
Of opening yourself up to another people,
Of being with someone again,
When you've been alone for so long.

He and I are not friends nor enemies. We are just strangers with memories.

Tuesday 30 September 2014

Why is this so hard.
Why am I making this hard for myself.



I don't wanna let go.

New Crush(es)

The slot I was trying to emphasize during our meeting for WAJ,
Turned out to be (one of) the biggest mistake of my life.
Well,
That or the time when I thought it would do me good by impulsively cutting off my hair,
And makes me look like Einstein.
Without the genius part.

How would I know when I suggested the whole "Poisonous box" thing,
It also would make me the leader by default?
Or to put the blame on the guys,
They are just lazy-asses runt of the group.

And I really, really have the Hulk-sized urge to stab Zuly and Solah without abandon.

Works aside,
I have been committing my most weekend,
Actually since Sunday till this day,
Binge-watching "Orange Is The New Black" and "The Big Bang Theory".

And from those series,
I have developed some kind of crush,
Towards Correctional Behavior Officer John Bennett,
And Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

I'd have to admit, this guy is face-worthy only. But if he runs the prison, I'd be a felon right now.


Well this, this is gem.

So to say,
I will be spending my weekend on my chair (or bed, that depends),
Running away from reality.
Who knows who my new target is when I start with Dr. Who.
Har de har har.

Saturday 27 September 2014

Like Crazy Review.

There are reasons why single people should never watch romance movies.
And that is why I am binge-watching the series Gayko (nickname Jowy gave him),
Okay,
I'll stick with "Eko" then,
- gave me.

At first I was engrossed with "Orange Is The New Black".
I might even have had a girl crush towards Alex Vause during the first season.
And correctional officer John Bennett.
I can't help it okay,
He is cute.

But then,
I just popped up "Like Crazy" and watch it (while analyzing it).

At first,
This is just some normal couple who are just starting to know each other,
And is in honeymoon phase.
The main obstacle here,
At first I thought was the long-distance relationship.

But then it spiraled into some more.
Long-distance relationships can be work out,
With strong wills on both sides.
What disappoints me,
Is that the girl who seems like a smart person,
Falls in love naive and stupidly,
While the guy only seems like a temporary summer fling,
Does not have the ability to uproot his life to be with her,
Or even do anything other than the visa thingy,
Which takes up a large amount of time and money.

Then,
When they are not together,
This thing they agreed to be with other people,
Maybe because of loneliness when being apart from each other.
But that doesn't mean they could pick someone else up just to fill the emptiness.
Because there are other hearts involved in the story,
Not just theirs.
But from the audience's view,
I see that Jennifer Lawrence (or Sam) knew about Anna,
And she should be prepared for the worst,
For who will Jacob choose in the end.

This story is a relatable love story,
For many of us normal people experience in life.
But to sacrifice the life you have,
To rotate the feelings you had during the puppy-love stage of relationship,
Is it worth it?
Because in life,
Nothing is sure.

I mean,
What if Simon was The One for Anna?
And Sam was it for Jacob?
Okay this I can relate.
Because for me,
Even if I want him back ( I so want him back),
Will we able to replay all the good memories we had before?
Because let's accept it,
I will NEVER turn back to who I was before,
So little by little,
Even if it sometimes seems impossible,
We have to move on...
He and I will never return to the people we was when we were together.

I knew this but I couldn't accept it.

But this pair of lovebirds,
They know what they want.
They just doesn't know HOW to get it.

There are many possibilities in life,
There are always options,
We just have to choose.

And frankly,
Even though I don't really like the end,
But it is the real life,
And no fairy tale.


How far would you go for someone you love?
And how sure are you that the feelings can remain the same throughout time?

Friday 26 September 2014

Everything

If I talk about everything that has happened in this week,
I'd go crazy.
Because there are some things that aren't related at all,
But I need to let it out my system anyways.

But here's one thing,
In just one week,
God is showing me how to live without anyone.
Like literally.

I don't remember how,
But from the first day since school weekend,
I got into a nasty cold war with the girls AND Amir.
We never badmouth each other,
Just stops talking altogether.
Well,
The thing with the girls has passed anyway.
And that is thanks for Saba for telling me why do they feel intimidated by me.
Which is fairly weird and hilariously amusing,
Since in the group,
I am the least intimidating,
And the one who seems to be the most least vengeful and fierce.

But Amir,
Well it is weird how I can cope with him,
Since his honest-to-God-I-will-slice-your-heart mouthy brat never fails to make other people hurts,
And I just shrug it off.
Being 18 years dancing around each other do that to you.
But I don't know why the thing he said a few weeks ago,
Pierced my heart.
I don't like it at all.
But I missed the guy.
I missed talking to him.
And when I told Ricchan about it,
He just says it is time for us to be independent from each other.

So now I'm binge-watching English series to run away from reality.
Which makes sense why there are a lot of things going on in my head lately.

And boys problem.
I don't need anymore problem than I already have, please.
I remember distinctly telling Amir about those three guys proposing me last few weeks.
Of which two of them are (were) my acquaintances.
I know it is not easy for guys to step up and asking my hand in marriage,
But for some reason I still have that question in mind,
"WHY ME?"
Just please,
Please forget about me.
I am not emotionally and psychologically available,
Thank you.




And just last night I blurted out to Said to delete her pics of HIM or just tell him to come propose me next two years. I didn't know why I said that. Dammit.

Wednesday 24 September 2014

Trailers.

The IPG is doing fogging again and there aren't even no warning,
Or notification of all that.

And I was lost browsing movie trailers.

First it was the normal ones,
The usual horror movies,
But then I came across a trailer that intrigued my heart.
Called "A Royal Affair".
Henceforth,
I watched it half-amused,
And something strikes my heart.

Mads Mikkelsen starred in "A Royal Affair",
And literally,
Had an affair with the queen.
There goes my imaginary boyfriend.

Why, Hanny, why did you break my heart??? (But then, my obsession with a sociopathic, cannibalistic, smart, composed serial killer isn't healthy either.)

And well,
A pop-up ads came straight to my face and I can't help itching to know,
What happens in Hunger Games: The Mockingjay part 1.
It is nothing unusual,
Except for the part where I saw my Disney princess lurking at the corner of the Youtube vids.

So I clicked on the "Crush" offical trailer,
And OH MY GOD,
Baby girl,
ALLISON PLEASE...
Don't be that psychopathic stalker.
You're an ARGENT dammit!
Get a grip!
And hearing upon the name "Scott" in the trailer,
I groan with frustration.
And it literally breaks my heart watching my baby girl alive,
And yeah,
I'm creating a crossover between TW and this pathetic movie Crystal Reed happens to star in.
But oh well,
I've seen Tyler Posey being overly stupid in Scary Movie 5 (not that he was also a potato in TW),
What's the harm,right?

 
Baby girl, please don't. And OH MY GOD, ANOTHER SCOTT??!!

Okay,
Last trailer.
Emily Browning's "Summer In February".
Which basically another version of "Pride and Prejudice",
And hello Dominic Cooper.
Yes I know he's Tony Stark's dad,
Which means he's Steve's father-in-law,
And also Abe Lincoln's vampire bff.
But he's Dominic Cooper!
One of few that caught my eyes!
Mkay bye.

Monday 22 September 2014

Something Resembling A Review of "Friends and Family".

So yeah,
I've been re-watching the 2003's movie where they still wear big, black cellphone.

Not that I didn't notice this before,
But Stephen and Danny's on-screen chemistry were kinda...
Surreptitiously good and bad at the same time.

There was a time you could see the way they interact,
They are like an old married couple that knows each other's flaws.
That kind of married couple for more than 10 years,
And can initiate silent conversations using only face expressions and body language,
Instead of words.

And some other time,
They only look like a pair of friends that co-habit because it is hard living by yourself.

Except when I squint my eyes and see small gestures they made towards each other,
Like Stephen stealing Danny's food during brunch,
Or them trying to organize the event for Stephen's Dad.

The big gestures are made when Danny called Stephen "honey",
Danny knowing Stephen is an "autumn" and he is "spring" (What does that even mean?),
And the last romantic gesture about what Bruno said.

"In ancient Persia, when an artist creates something,
He would include a flaw on purpose.
Because it is only the Gods are supposed to be perfect.
So he creates something that otherwise would be perfect,
And added some flaws,
As if to say "not to offend the Gods" 
- Bruno

Yeah, 
The part where Stephen traced a small part of frosting on Danny's nose and said,
"As to not offend the Gods",
And Danny reciprocated with ruining Stephen's hair and said the same words.
THAT, WAS THE BIGGEST GESTURE.

Well,
Other than that,
I was baffled whether the movie was trying not to make them look like ordinary run-of-the-mills couple,
By insinuating the mafia theme,
And Stephen being awesomely bulky and manly and oh,
Did I mention about them being ex-Army Rangers and then the head bodyguards of the mafia family?

Yeah,
That kinda cliche.

I understand about this movie trying to run away from the stereotyping part,
But then it was made too un-stereotype and ruined the motives.
Richard and Bruno was the thing that saved this movie.

And I liked the insight where Vito and Frankie,
Despite being the children of a mafia's boss,
Have their own route of being a pastry chef and a tailor,
Much to Don Patrizzi's demise.

Oh yeah,
Don't think I haven't realize the way Frankie looked at Vito at the end of the movie.
It wasn't a way some actor look at their fellow colleague,
It was a way someone who is crushing on someone else,
And have trouble keeping it down.

This radar of mine is nothing but trouble. 

Somehow I'd like to think if Stephen had a child, and his child had a child, it would be Derek.

Friday 19 September 2014

Reasons Why I, Wan Nur Farhana Would Be A Bad Life Partner/ Lover / Spouse.

Look at this girl, she seems normal, right?
Well, guess again.

1. Can barely even remember to feed myself (out of short-memory loss or just plain laziness), let alone other people.

2. Too weird to function as a normal homo sapien.

3. May be a little bit too independent than normal women.

4. Philophobia, Gametophobia, Hypegiaphobia, Haphephobia, Antropophobia.

5. From number 4, which is easily called as phobia of commitment, falling in love, responsibility, being touched, human.

6. Will drag people into my web of darkness (in other words, COME TO THE DARK SIDE!! <--- In Darth Vader's voice)

7. Irregular habit of sleeping.

8. Pretty nocturnal when it comes to cleaning or any kind of house chores.

9. Very sloppy, shabby, and messy. Even for a teacher.

10. Non-existent fashion sense.

11. Negativity.

12. Isolative? Isolated? Loner.

13. Easily influenced by characters from series or books. (Okay, maybe just Will Graham from Hannibal. I can't help it, he insinuated himself into my head.)

14. Poor impulse control on mouth - to brain filter. 

15. Unhealthy over-dependent relationships with yaoi/ yuri mangas and animes. That crazy fangirl. Yeah.

16. Bipolar. Duh.

17. Depression. Again, duh.

18. Compulsive driver who might be a little impatient on the road.

So, yeah. 

Thursday 11 September 2014

What Movies Taught Me, Subpart 1

When he proposed to me,
I wanted to say,
"You're my friend!"

The same thing I said to Ricchan a couple years ago.
Instead,
I quoted the Mother's words from "How I Met Your Mother".
Well,
Not straightforwardly.
But I paraphrased it.

"I was in love with someone a long time ago,
And because of circumstances,
We had to let go of each other.
And after that,
I can't really say I will experience the same feeling anymore.
I'm sorry,
But we can still be friends if you want to."

There are many catalysts other than what I said,
But I didn't lie.
In fact,
It was the main reason why I am who I am today.

I really hate it when people say,
"Lucky you! Always have some guys wanting you to be their girlfriend!"
Because they doesn't know the ache of not having the only person you want the most.

S04E12 - Smoke and Mirrors

Basically what happened.








I can't help myself. I'm sorry. Not.

Wednesday 10 September 2014

Mama And Papa, Combine!!!

I saw these gifset and I couldn't help myself.

Liam pulls out the crescent he found from the burned Hale house,
silently cursing his older brother, Isaac for leaving him behind with their parents.
Derek and Stiles are making eye-communication thingy that parents always do when their son did something bad.
And Liam as hell will not let this down with Isaac.




What do we do? Stiles squints his eyes at Derek.
Why are you asking me? He's YOUR son! Derek glares back at the teen.



Why is he my son when he's making mischief? He is YOUR Beta! Stiles snapped back silently at the Alpha.


Well, you're his favorite. Talk to him! Derek scowled at Stiles unfazed expression.

Stiles sighs internally, and puts his hand on Liam's head. He takes back the script from the pup's hand and smiles briefly so Liam would not feel so down with what happened.

"It's okay, pup. We're not mad."



Monday 8 September 2014

Binge Listening

I'm binge-listening to depressed music.
Even when someone(s) warned me;
"NO MORE SAD SONGS!"

Pfft...

Well,
Right now I'm addicted to;
Maroon 5's - Sad, Better That We Break, Beautiful Goodbye, Just A Feeling
5S0S' - Amnesia
The Script's - Exit Wound

Especially "Amnesia".

"Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
Cause I'm not fine at all

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away"

I always listen to hard rock music when I am mad,
But when it is about memories,..well.

Sunday 7 September 2014

Distant

"AB blood type of person can be aloof, critical, indecisive and unforgiving."

I don't know about unforgiving,
But aloof and indecisive are definitely one of my traits.
And another critically fatal trait of mine;
Distant.

Some people are being distant because they want to see who is paying attention,
And who stays when others left.

Me,
I just don't like being too attached.
Except when I interact with them face to face on daily basis,
I can be myself around them,
We have something in common,
Or family.

I interact with the girls on daily basis,
I can be crazy with them,
And sometimes we have things in common.

The boys,
They know me since I wear diapers,
Since I have snots in my nose,
And have seen me at my worst.

And I have the most common interests with my sister and Jowy.
We talk about what we like,
Our conversations synchronizes,
And I have no qualms about conversing intellectually,
Or even about random things.

We just...
Bonded.

Other people,
Who hasn't seen any side of me,
More like acquaintances,
Or people who are just starting to get to know me,
I will be distant towards them.

Okay,
First it will all be friendly conversations,
All unicorns and rainbows.

I will be fine as long as they keep their friendliness at an arm's reach.
When they start contacting every frickin' single day,
And sometimes at wrong times,
I started throwing tantrums (silently),
Roll eyes at everything,
And babble by myself.

For example;
"OH MY GOD, IT'S NEARING 1 AM. DON'T YOU NEED TO SLEEP?!"
Or,
"IT'S 10 AM IN THE MORNING. DON'T YOU HAVE A LIFE?!"

But I am too much of a coward to say that to their faces,
So I just grit my teeth and pretend I didn't see it. 

So,
Here it is.
I am easily bored.
By humans who,
1) I cannot converse intellectually
2)Don't have common interest
3)Do not interact face to face on daily basis
4)Cannot be my crazy, manic, sociopathic self.

And no,
I am not one of them girls who liked to be contacted 24/7.
Because at the end of the day,
I would just insult you internally.
Even my own beau.

Why?
Because I have a life,
Goddammit!!

I am not going to say sorry for being me.

Friday 5 September 2014

The YoDaBest List

Oh my God,
What is that name,
YoDaBest List?
It sounds like Yoda trying to be hipster.

OOYL; Only Once, You Live. - Yoda

Jowy and I need new names for our bucket list.
This one sounds waay better in my head.

I've made the list a few months ago in my last posts,
And frankly,
The things I want and the things I want to do,
Are still there.

I don't have add-ons,
For now.

I'm just so eager to step into working life,
To have things I don't as a student,
Just that I can draw a path that is mine,
And only mine.

I want to have my own house,
So I can decorate it the way I want,
To put furniture at random corners,
And lots of book shelves.

I just read a fic where Stiles and Derek just like,
Made a decision to go for a ride,
Because Stiles can't go to sleep,
And during the trip,
They made an abrupt decision of going to Vegas and getting married.

I love the part where sometimes,
We want to do something,
And just get the hell on with it.
Not thinking about anything else,
Or even the consequences.

Because it is better to be able to say,
"I've done it"
Rather than
"I wish I did it".

But living like this,
At this moment,
It doesn't so bad,
Apart from the assignments and practical.

This is one of my favorite gifs,
Just because I can.

"HER".

After crying silently watching Miracle Cell Number 7,
I was like,
"Shit I need Dad."

And to put a layer of sadness because of the damn sappy movie,
I put another layer of sadness,
By watching "Her".

Yeah,
It is better to watch sad romantic movies rather than watching sad family-related movies.

I am greatfully thankful to Jowy for introducing "Her" to me.
His idea of great movies are not measured by their new releases,
Or how popular it is on cinemas.

Like the movies "Like Crazy",
"The Skin I Live In"..

I don't think of how they are perceived by normal people.
But sometimes the way he sees the movie could enrapture people,
Send them into thinking mode,
I love that.

We don't just watch movies for fun sometimes,
And most of the times,
I caught myself thinking about it.

When watching "Her",
I was vaguely and obsessively making assumptions that Samantha was Emma Stone.
Oh boy,
How wrong was I.
But seriously,
Had I not known Samantha was voiced by Scarlett Johansson,
I would seriously imagine it was Emma Stone behind it. 

How crazy love is,
That it can be fluffy as warm blanket,
And cold like a blizzard as well.
It cannot be perfect,
How many times you want it.
Even when you're dating an AI.

One sentence Theodore that jolted me awake;
"I keep waiting to not care about her."
The thing I thought I have already did,
And I keep coming back for more.

I wonder after watching Theodore says all those things and more,
It makes me feel like I am watching who I am in someone else.

"I think I hid myself from her,
And left her alone in the relationship."

"I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it,.."

Saba used to say that I started learning to be a hypocrite after Him,
Making me feel inferior to other people in general.

I start locking away when they come nearer,
And when they take a step forward,
I take two steps back,
Leaving them confused,
Hurt.

It is easier to find me in friendships,
In light relationships,
But that is as far as I can go.

Because I am still scared.


It's like I'm reading a book, and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I love you so much, but this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book anymore. - Samantha

Thursday 4 September 2014

Two wavering hands as fierce as wolves,
And a heart that refuses to stray.

It thought her foolish,
Thought her weak,
And it feared that soon enough it's fidelity would fail.

The boy with the unflinching heart he trusted most of all, 
And trusting,
Fell in love.

Hearing the words doesn't make the situation easier.

Sunday 31 August 2014

His Hand In Marriage

"I think I am going to ask for his hand in marriage after we graduate." 

Was what I told Mum when I came back a couple of days ago.
I don't know it was the flu talking, 
Or me being hormonally irrational, 
I just blurted it out of the blue. 
I was expecting Mum to shrug it off, 
Or laugh at it casually, 
But she patted me on the head and say, 
"I know you achieved such a long road to just recover back,
And I don't know why are you sprouting such things right now, 
But maybe yous should REDHA of what happened, 
Let it go completely,
God stores something much more bigger.
You love him so much you don't see other things in front of you, 
Other people who wants the same opportunity, 
And you play around to fill the emptiness. 
For what, 
If it only takes you back to him each time?
Redha my darling. 
I took you more than a year, 
Now redeem those years and live as you should. 
Happily." 

Mum rarely gives long speech about my love life. 
She always think that I can manage it well.
But when it comes to that person, 
I am never well. 

I distinctly remembers about living my single life to the fullest, 
Backpacking and all,
But sometimes all I ever wanted was him.